At the San Dimas Mall, we see
the empty Slurpee cups sitting on the table. Joan of Arc finds herself in
the audience for a Nautilus machine and fitness demonstration. A woman on
a stage is leading a group of women in aerobic exercises. Joan of Arc is
intrigued as she watches the woman leading the others. Elsewhere in the
mall, Beethoven has found a piano and organ store and is looking at a
state-of-the-art electronic organ. "You a musician?" the
salesman asks, "Well, here . . . try this." The salesman flips a
switch which starts an electronic rhythm. Beethoven studies the organ then
laughs in amusement. In the food court, Billy the Kid and Socrates are
eyeing two girls sitting at a table. "What is this?" one girl
asks. "Oh my God," the other giggles. They wave at the two
playfully, commenting on Socrates sandals and laughing. Billy and Socrates
take the opportunity to approach. "Hi, I?m Billy. This here
is So-crates." "Socrates," Socrates corrects.
"We?re from history," Billy explains, unrolling one of his wanted
posters to show them. The girls nod but look concerned.
Sigmund Freud then approaches
carrying a corn dog. "Hello, I?m Dr. Freud but you may call my
Siggy." "Oh my God," the one girl exclaims and they both
start giggling. "You both seem to be suffering from a mild form of
hysteria," Freud notes, his corndog lowering suggestively. "You
are such a geek!" the one girl exclaims and they two get up and leave the
table. "Way to go, egghead," Billy complains, walking
away. "Geek!" Socrates laughs and follows Billy.
"What is a geek?" Freud asks. Genghis Khan has entered Oshman?s
Sporting Goods store and sets his club down to pick up an aluminum baseball
bat. He swings it around, getting a feel for it as a weapon. He is
startled by a mannequin behind him and turns around, swinging the bat and
knocking the mannequin?s head off, which lands in a basketball net. A
startled security guard calls on his walkie talkie as Genghis Khan keeps beating
the mannequin with the bat, saying, "I need some help. I got a live
one here." Elsewhere, a flashbulb goes off in Lincoln?s face.
He is in one of those photo stores where people dress in old fashioned clothing
and have their picture taken. "Okay, um . . . I need the Lincoln hat
and the stupid beard back," the kid taking the picture says.
"You don?t understand. I?m Abraham Lincoln," Lincoln
introduces himself. "Yeah, right, ha ha ha," the kid says, then
tries grabbing the hat off Lincoln, who fights back and then runs from the
There is now a montage of the
different historical figures running amok in the mall. Beethoven is fully
involved playing the organ, now with two other organs pulled close so he can
play two at the same time. The aerobics instructor is suddenly knocked
aside by Joan of Arc, who takes over the instruction. Beethoven is drawing
quite a crowd with his music but the salesman doesn?t look too happy.
Genghis Khan has donned a football helmet and shoulder pads and grabs a
skateboard, riding it to escape from the security guards. One guard tries
to cut him off but Genghis rams the skateboard into the man?s knee then knocks
him into a display of basketballs. Genghis heads for the exit on the
skateboard, using a trampoline to do a flying spin over the head of another
guard, then landing on the skateboard again and riding into the mall. At
that moment Billy the Kid runs by, shouting "Yee haw!" as he fires his
gun into the air. Socrates follows close behind, shooting off a water
pistol and crying, "Ah ha!" Beethoven plays the numerous
surrounding him as the crowd grows and the salesman grows more impatient.
Abraham Lincoln and Sigmund
Freud are running through the mall and get onto an escalator to go to the floor
above. Only at the top of the escalator are a couple of security guards
waiting. They give themselves up, Freud saying, "I demand einen
lawyer." "Don?t get smart with me, buddy," one guard
says, "Let?s go." Beethoven continues to play the
organs. Joan of Arc is still leading the aerobics, but the girl she pushed
off the stage and the announcer have alerted security guards, who climb on the
stage and drag Joan away, protesting. Beethoven continues to play.
Security guards on the second floor spot Billy, Genghis and Socrates running
onto the ice skating rink below. They lose their footing and slip.
Socrates is pushed by someone and slides across the ice, where security guards
gather him up. "All right, come on grandpa," one says.
Billy and Genghis manage to get to their feet to find themselves surrounding by
guards closing in on all sides. "Bogus!" they both say, then
they slip and fall and the security guards dive on them in a heap. Two
security guards then also grab Beethoven, saying, "That?s
enough." Beethoven puts up his hands in surrender.
Missy-Mom drives the Preston
family station wagon down the street with Bill, Ted and Napoleon seated
inside. Napoleon now has zinc oxide on his nose. "Mom, can?t
you go any faster?" Bill asks. They pass the San Dimas Police
Station, not realizing the historical figures they are speeding to pick up from
the mall are actually inside the station. Socrates is having a mug shot
taken, looking startled by the flash. An officer herds a handcuffed Joan
of Arc to the back. Genghis Khan is trying to tell his story to an officer
at a desk. At another desk, Sigmund Freud is looking around. The man
interviewing him asks, "I want to know why you claim to be Sigmund
Freud." "Why do you claim I?m not Sigmund Freud?" Freud
asks him in return. "Why do you keep asking me these questions?"
the man asks with frustration. Freud leans closer and says, "Tell me
about your mother." The man gives up and leaves his desk. Freud
asks if he?d like a couch to lie on and the man insists he doesn?t.
The man passes Beethoven, who is handcuffed and fighting against the officer
handling him. Inside a private office, we see Captain Logan booking
Abraham Lincoln. "All right, what?s your name?" Captain Logan
asks. "Abraham Lincoln," Lincoln replies, "That?s
L-I-N-C-O-L-N." "I know how to spell Lincoln!" Captain
Logan assures him, then asks, "What?s your birthday, Mr.
Lincoln?" "February 12th, 1809," Lincoln
responds. Captain Logan gives him a strange look.
Back in the San Dimas High
School Auditorium, one of the jocks named Ox is giving his report, struggling to
think of what to say. "Everything is different, but the same.
Things are more moderner than before. Bigger . . . and yet smaller.
There?s computers." Not knowing what else to say, Ox shouts,
"San Dimas High School football rules!" The audience bursts into
cheers and applause. The teachers look less impressed. The clock now
reads 2:00. Meanwhile, the station wagon returns to the police station and
parks out front. "I can?t believe my dad arrested them all,"
Ted sighs, "What are we gonna do?" "Okay, Ted, you go in
and talk to your Dad," Bill suggests, "I?m gonna scope the place
out. Missy . . . I mean Mom . . . please keep an eye on
Napoleon." Bill and Ted get out of the car and Napoleon starts to
follow but Bill orders him to "Stay!" as if he were a dog. Ted
enters the station just as Lincoln is being taken from Captain Logan?s
office. Logan tells the officer to lock Lincoln up with the rest of the
wackos. "I am a lawyer, you know," Lincoln points out as he?s
being taken away.
"Dad!" Ted exclaims,
running to him. "You pack your bags, Ted," Captain Logan
replies. "What?" Ted asks. "You?re going to
military school," Captain Logan insists. "But Dad!"
"No, I don?t wanna hear it, Ted!" "But . . .
!" "Ted! You go home and you pack your bags now!"
Captain Logan orders, pushing Ted toward the door. Seeing he?s getting
nowhere, Ted leaves. Ted meets Bill outside, who asks, "How?d it
go?" "Bad," Ted replies, "Our historical figures are
all locked up and my dad won?t let ?em out." "Can we get
your dad?s keys?" Bill asks. "We could steal them, but he lost
them two days ago," Ted says. "If only we could go back in time
to when he had them and steal them then," Bill sighs. Ted thinks
about this, then asks, "Well, why can?t we?" "?Cause we
don?t got time," Bill points out. "We could do it after the
report," Ted suggests. "Ted, good thinking, dude!" Bill
smiles, "After the report, we?ll time travel back to two days ago, steal
your dad?s keys and leave them here." "Where?" Ted
asks. "I don?t know," Bill says, then says, "How ?bout
behind that sign? That way, when we get here now they?ll be waiting for
us." Bill reaches down behind the Los Angeles Sheriff Station sign
and picks up a set of keys. "See?" "Whoa! Yah!" Ted exclaims, "So after the report, we can?t forget to do
this, otherwise it won?t happen. But it did happen! Hey, it
was me who stole my dad?s keys!" "Exactly, Ted!"
Bill confirms, "Come on."
Inside the station wagon,
Napoleon has moved to the front seat and is just about to put the moves on
Missy, then stops when Bill and Ted approach. "Mom?" Bill
calls. "Yes?" Missy asks. "Can you please bring the
car around back?" Bill asks. "Sure," Missy agrees.
"Come on, Ted," Bill states, "We?ve got some historical figures
to rescue." Bill and Ted sneak into the police station and duck down
behind a low wall. They peek over where they can see Ted?s dad in his
office with the door open. They duck down again. "How are we
gonna get past my dad?" Ted asks. "You got a tape recorder at
home?" Bill asks. "Yah," Ted confirms. "Okay,
remember to get the tape recorder." "Yah." "Set
a timer on it for, uh . . . " T ed shows Bill his watch.
"2:13," Bill finishes, "Got it?" "Got it,"
Ted agrees, then asks, "What am I gonna say on it?" They hear
Ted?s voice across the room calling, "Dad! Hey, Dad!"
Bill and Ted smile at each other, Bill saying, "It?s you,
dude!" Captain Logan gets up from his desk and walks out of his
office, looking around. "Ted?" he calls. "I?m over
here!" Ted?s voice calls. Captain Logan heads for the source of the
voice, giving Bill and Ted the chance to sneak into the back.
They make their way into the
offices and sneak behind a desk. A typewriter with a piece of paper is in
the machine and Ted notices there is a note typed on the paper with the Wyld
Stallyns logo drawn on it. "Dear Bill and Ted," Bill reads,
"Good luck on the report. Sincerely, Bill S. Preston, Esq. and Ted
?Theodore? Logan." "Oh, that was nice of us," Ted
smiles. Bill then notices a post script and reads, "P.S. -
DUCK!" They duck behind the desk as a man leaves his desk across the
way and walks by them. Bill and Ted are able to get back to the jail cells
and Bill uses the key to open the door. The historical figures are excited
to see them and Bill has to shush them. Joan of Arc is praying but when
she sees Bill and Ted she says, "Merci!" and crosses herself.
Bill opens the cell doors and tells everyone that time is of the essence and
they should all work together to get down to the car. Bill inadvertently
also releases some other prisoners, such as a couple of prostitutes. Bill
has everyone line up toward the window.
In the outer office, Captain
Logan is still trying to find Ted. He follows the voice, which says,
"Over here, Dad! Down here!" Captain Logan kneels down and
finds the planted tape recorder. "Way to go, dude. You stalled
him," Bill voice says on the recorder. "What else do I
say?" Ted asks. Captain Logan puts the tape recorder down and hurries
to the back as Ted announces on the recorder, "And now opening for Iron
Maiden . . . " "Wyld Stallyns!" both Bill and Ted
shout. By the time Captain Logan reaches the jail cells, everyone has been
hoisted out the window except Billy the Kid. "Ted!" Captain
Logan shouts, "What in the hell do you think you?re doing?"
Ted closes his eyes and concentrates, saying, "Trash can! Remember a
trash can!" "Trash can? What are you talking about?"
Captain Logan asks, when suddenly a trash can falls from above with "Wyld
Stallyns" written across it and lands on his head. "Ted!
Get this thing off me, Ted!" Captain Logan cries as he struggles inside the
can. "Sorry, Dad," Ted offers, "but we gotta go pass our
history report. Oh, by the way . . . I found your keys." Ted
sets the keys on the bars of a cell and returns to help Bill get Billy out the
window as Captain Logan continues to struggle, crying, "Ted, where are
you? Get this thing off me!"
part seven . . .