At San Dimas High School, the
station wagon turns a sharp corner, knocking over a garbage can, then comes to a
stop in front of the auditorium. Inside the auditorium, a jock named
Randolf is just finishing his report. "In conclusion, I think Abraham
Lincoln would be most impressed with the world of San Dimas. I know I
am." The audience applauds and the teachers are pleased. Mr.
Ryan writes an ?F? next to both Bill and Ted?s names. Outside we see
Bill directing the historical figures into the auditorium and urging them to be
quiet. Inside, Mr. Ryan stands up to address the audience. "And
I?m sure I speak for Mr. Ward and Mrs. Roe when I say that your reports were
very entertaining and very informative for all of us. So it seems we may
be one report short today . . . so we?ll leave just a bit early."
The students applaud and cheer. "But once again I want to thank you
all for your very hard work." The lights suddenly go out.
Spotlights start swinging across the audience and stage and Bill?s voice comes
over the sound system, announcing, "Hello, San Dimas. Please welcome,
for the final report of the afternoon, from all throughout history, some of the
greatest people who have ever lived in their 1988 world tour!"
Music starts to play and we
see the historical figures silhouetted on steps on the stage. One figure
steps forward and a spotlight hits him. "How?s it going? I?m
Billy the Kid." The audience laughs at this, not buying it.
Billy is incensed and pulls out his gun, shooting out one of the lights
above. This brings the audience to attention quickly. "I?d
like you all to put your hands together," Billy says. The audience
begins to clap a rhythm. "And now, my good friends . . . Bill S.
Preston, Esquire and Ted ?Theodore? Logan! Yee haw!!!" Bill
and Ted walk onto the stage from opposite sides and meet in the middle where
they high-five. "Hello, San Dimas High!" they greet the
audience. "Mr. Ryan," Bill continues, "Fellow distinguished
classmates, teachers, babes." Missy sneaks into the auditorium and
sits next to Mr. Ryan, smiling, "Hi! Long time no see!"
"Our first speaker was born in 470 B.C.," Ted explains, "A time
when much of the world looked like the cover of the Led Zeppelin album ?Houses
of the Holy.?" "We were there," Bill explains,
"There were many steps and columns. It was most tranquil."
"He is sometimes known as the father of modern thought," Ted explains,
"He was the teacher of Plato, who was in turn the teacher of
Aristotle. And like Ozzy Osbourne, was repeatedly accused of corruption of
the young." "And since he doesn?t speak English, my friend Ted
here is gonna interpret for him," Bill explains, "So please welcome to
tell us what he thinks of San Dimas, the most bodacious philosophizer in ancient
Greece . . . " "Socrates!" Bill and Ted introduce.
Socrates looks surprised.
Outside the auditorium, Mr.
Preston and Captain Logan have arrived. Captain Logan is complaining,
" . . . totally out of control. And I think I?ve got a pretty good
idea where he gets it from. I mean if you and that . . . that ?wife?
of yours would show a little discipline, maybe your son wouldn?t be such a bad
influence!" "Oh, is discipline your key to success with
Ted?" Mr. Preston shoots back. "Yes it is!" Captain Logan
shouts, "He?s going to an Alaskan military school!" They enter
the auditorium and see Ted standing with Socrates, interpreting his hand
gestures for the audience. " . . . loves you best in all the
world." "What are they going up there?" Captain Logan
asks. Mr. Preston motions for him to be quiet. Socrates motions some
more and Ted interprets it as, "He also loves . . . baseball!"
Next, Sigmund Freud is analyzing Ted, who is lying on a type of gurney.
"Therefore, Ted?s father?s own fear of failure has caused him to make
his son the embodiment of all of his own deepest anxieties about himself.
And hence, his aggression transference onto Ted." Ted sits up in
amazement, gasping, "Whoa!" "Okay, Ted?" Freud asks,
helping him to lie own again. "Yes," Ted answers, "Thank
you very much, Sigmund Freud." Freud motions for Bill to take the
couch but Bill says, "Naw . . . just got a minor Oedipal complex."
Next Bill addresses the
audience. "It is indeed a pleasure to introduce to you a gentleman we
picked up in medieval Mongolia in the year 1269." Ted takes over,
saying, "Please welcome the very excellent barbarian . . . "
"Mr. Genghis Khan!" they announced together. Genghis Khan throws
off his coat and steps forward, showing off his skills by twirling a long spear
as Ted explains, "This is a dude who, 700 years ago, totally ravaged
China. And who, we are told, two hours ago, totally ravaged Oshman?s
Sporting Goods." We next see Joan of Arc sword fighting with Bill
using practice swords, as Ted explains, "A most bodacious soldier and
general, Miss of Arc totally rousted the English from France. And then she
turned this dude Dauphin into a king. And all this by the time she was
seventeen." Next, Napoleon is showing battle plans using the game of
Risk as a display. He turns to a map behind him and points to Russia,
explaining his plans in French. " . . . avec mes . . .
waterslides." Ted next introduces, "The music of Ludwig von
Beethoven." Bill and Ted are eating pudding cups now, as are some
members of the audience. Beethoven plays music on a multi-keyboard organ.
We now cut back and forth
between the segments. First we see Genghis Khan demonstrating his fighting
skills as Bill explains, "As you can see, Genghis very much enjoys Twinkies
because of the excellent sugar rush." Socrates is then seen with Ted
as Ted interprets, "He also loves . . . billiards." The audience
rocks back and forth to the music of Beethoven as Bill explains, "Beethoven?s
favorite works includes Mozart?s ?Requiem,? Handel?s ?Messiah,"
and Bon Jovi?s ?Slippery When Wet.?" Joan of Arc and Bill
swordfight as Ted explains, "To improve on the condition of her armies,
Joan of Arc plans on instituting a full-scale aerobics program on her return to
France." Napoleon stands in front of his display and map while Ted
tells him, "I don?t think it?s gonna work." "No?"
Napoleon asks. Bill and Ted shake their heads. Napoleon slams his
sword down on the table and knocks over all the game pieces, then states, "Triomphe,
Napoleon!" Beethoven continues to play, the audience loving it.
Socrates motions over his heart. "He loves . . . " Ted
interprets. Socrates motions in front of him emphatically and Ted smiles
and says, "He loves San Dimas!" Everyone applauds.
Bill and Ted prepare to make
their last introduction. "And now for our last speaker," Ted
says, "One of the greatest presidents in American history. Mr.
Abraham Lincoln." The audience cheers wildly as Abraham Lincoln takes
center stage. "Four score and . . . " Lincoln checks his
pocket watch. " . . . seven minutes ago, we, your forefathers, were
brought forth upon a most excellent adventure, conceived by our new friends,
Bill and Ted. These two great gentleman are dedicated to a proposition
which was true in my time, just as it?s true today. Be excellent to each
other. And . . . party on, dudes!" The audience explodes with
cheers and applause and everyone jumps to their feet. "No way!"
Bill and Ted gasp, and they run across the stage to slap each other?s hands in
triumph. Even the teachers applaud and Missy cheers. Captain Logan
is the only one who still looks confused. The historical figures all pile
into the phone booth. Bill and Ted stop to say, "Thank you, San Dimas
High!" They also step into the booth and the audience watches with
surprise as it starts to spark and glow and then suddenly disappears
downward. After a moment of startled silence, they start to cheer and
applaud again, chanting, "We want more!" as they hold up cigarette
Later, in the Preston garage,
where we can see the phone booth sitting out front, Bill and Ted are again
practicing and videotaping themselves. "Intro," Ted begins,
videotaping Bill as he announces, "I?m Bill S. Preston,
Esquire!" They quickly change places with Bill taking the
camera. Ted strums his guitar but doesn?t introduce himself.
"Bill," he sighs. "What?s up, Ted?" Bill asks.
Ted sits down on the stage and Bill sets down the video camera and joins
him. "Well . . . we traveled through time," Ted begins, "I
mean, we met lots of great leaders, and we got an A plus on our history report,
and look at us. Nothing?s different." Bill nods.
"Maybe it?s time we get Eddie Van Halen." "Maybe we
should start learning how to play," Ted suggests. "Maybe you?re
right, Ted," Bill agrees. There is suddenly a loud noise and flashing
lights right outside the garage. Moments later the garage door starts to
open. A phone booth is sitting outside. The door opens and Rufus
steps out, followed by the Princess Babes who are now wearing modern
clothing. "Hello again, my excellent friends," Rufus greets
them. "Whoa!" Bill exclaims as he and Ted jump up from the
stage. "Congratulations on passing your history report," Rufus
offers. "Rufus! The babes!" Ted gasps, "We looked all
over England for you." "Where?d you get those savory
clothes?" Bill asks. "Rufus introduced us to a place called the
mall," Joanna explains. "And something called credit
cards," Elizabeth adds.
"I got them out of
England just before they had to marry those royal ugly dudes," Rufus
explains. "Whoa, way to go, Rufus," Ted smiles. The girls
join the guys and give them a kiss. "How can we ever thank you,
Rufus?" Bill asks. "Well, you can start by signing this for my
kids," Rufus says, pulling out something that looks like a CD and handing
it to them. "Why?" Ted asks. "They?re big fans of
yours," Rufus says, handing them a pen as well. "What?"
Bill asks. "Everyone is," Rufus continues, "Wyld Stallyns?
music has become the foundation of our whole society." Bill and Ted
look down and see the holographic images of them that we saw at in the Great
Hall at the beginning of the movie playing air guitar on the cover of the
album. "No way!" Bill and Ted gasp. "Yes way!"
Rufus confirms, "In fact, I believe you were there. That futuristic
place with the domes?" "And the totally excellent music!"
Bill remembers. "They totally worshiped us there, Rufus," Ted
adds. "I know," Rufus says, "That?s why I was sent to
make sure you passed your history report. If you guys were separated, it
would have been disastrous for life as we know it. You see, eventually,
your music will help put an end to war and poverty. It will align the
planets and bring them into universal harmony allowing meaningful contact with
all forms of life from extraterrestrial beings to common household pets, and . .
. it?s excellent for dancing."
Bill, Ted and the Princesses
all smile and laugh. "Why don?t you have the ladies sign as well,
would you please?" Rufus asks, "After all, they are in the
band." "They are?" Bill asks. "Excellent!"
Ted smiles, handing Joanna the album to sign. "Excellent!"
Joanna repeats. Rufus heads back to the phone booth. "Where?re
you goin?, Rufus?" Bill asks. "I got a surprise for you,"
Rufus says. He returns carrying two futuristic-looking flying v guitars,
which he hands to them. "Here," Rufus says, "That?s to
help you as you start your new band." "Thanks, Rufus," Bill
and Ted reply. "Now I just have one further humble request,"
Rufus asks, "If I might be so honored to jam with you?"
"Oh, do you know how to play, Rufus?" Ted asks. Rufus picks up
one of their older guitars. "I play a little," he says.
Rufus launches into an amazing guitar solo, leaving everyone speechless.
"Whoa!" Bill, Ted and the Princesses gasp. "Most
outstanding, Rufus!" Ted exclaims. "Let?s jam!" Bill
says. They prepare to jam, Bill turning his amplifier way up.
Elizabeth sits at the drum kit and picks up the drumsticks. Joanna sets the
levels on the organ. Ted turns his amplifier way up. Bill and Ted
take center stage. "Bill, my friend?" Ted asks. "Yes,
Ted, my friend?" Bill replies. "This has been a most excellent
adventure!" Ted comments. They count down to start and begin
playing. They sound horrible. Bill and Ted wail away at their
guitars, sounding just as awful as ever. Elizabeth taps timidly at the drums
and Joanna plinks out odd notes on the organ. Rufus watches them, then
looks into the camera. "They do get better," Rufus promises the
Complete Credits . . .