Bill and Ted exclaim, "Whooooaaaaa!"
as they soar through the Circuits of Time. We see an old west town and the
words "New Mexico - 1879" on the screen. A cowboy walks into one
of two outhouses and sits down to do his business. There is a loud
roaring, the outhouse starts to shake and the cowboy looks startled. The
phone booth lands right between the two outhouses and Bill and Ted exit.
The startled cowboy comes out of the outhouse and stares at them in
disbelief. "How?s it goin?, old west dude?" Ted asks, and
the man hurries away. Bill and Ted make their way into the small town, Ted
commenting that it?s just like Frontier Land. "Yah, but you can
get shot here, Ted," Bill points out and suggests he just try to act
natural. Ted greets one person with "Howdy, partner!" Bill
warns, "Watch out for the horse crap, Ted." Ted says that he?s
thirsty. Bill agrees, and they head into the saloon. Approaching the
bar, Bill confidently orders, "Two beers, please!" The bartender
produces two bottle of beer and sets them on the bar. "Whoa! He
didn?t even card us, dude!" Ted says with amazement.
"Yah," Bill smiles, "We?ll have to remember this place."
They lean back against the bar
and clink bottles, drinking as they take in their surroundings and Bill asks who
they should take with them. A gunshot suddenly rings out, taking everyone
by surprise. At the saloon doors, a man twirls his gun then replaces it in
his holster. Everyone eyes the man warily as he enters. Bill leans
back to the bartender and asks, "Who?s he?" "He?s Billy
the Kid," the bartender informs them. "He?s famous,
dude," Bill points out to Ted, then adds, "Let?s bag
him." "I need two men!" Billy the Kid announces.
Several men immediately drop their heads, trying to disappear. "Who?s
with me?" Billy asks. "We?re with you, Billy the Kid!"
Ted announces loudly. Billy the Kid approaches Bill and Ted, eyeing them
with uncertainty. Bill and Ted just smile. Billy grabs them by the
shirts and pulls them closer. "Here?s the deal . . . what I win, I
keep. What you win, I keep." Bill and Ted nod, replying,
"Sounds good, Mr. the Kid!" Billy eyes them with even more
They sit down for a game of
poker. Billy the Kid deals the cards. Bill is smoking a hand-rolled
cigarette, acting cool. Ted is receiving his cards and smiling like a
Cheshire cat. Bill rolls his eyes and finally tells Ted, "Dude . . .
you?ve gotta have a poker face, like me!" Ted imitates Bill?s
serious look. Bill looks at his cards and immediately exclaims,
"Whoa! Three aces!" One of the men they?re playing asks
what the hell is going on. "Are you a cheatin? us, Kid?"
another man asks. Billy tries to cover, asking, "Cheatin??
Me?" He lets out a yell, throws the table over and the brawl
begins. In a heartbeat, everyone in the saloon is involved in the melee,
except Bill and Ted, who sit in their chairs and watch the fight as if they are
viewing a movie. A dance hall girl is on the bar and kicks a man in the
face. On the other side of the saloon, a man punches Billy and the dance
hall girl cries out, "Billy!" and swings from the bar on a rope,
slamming into the man and sending them both flying through a window.
"Excellent!" Bill and Ted exclaim.
Bill and Ted continue to watch
the fight until three men come up behind them. Bill & Ted get to their
feet and back up toward the bar. "Look, we?re totally
Bill admits, "We can?t possibly fight you." Ted pulls
something from his pocket and asks, "However, how would you gentlemen like
free passes to Waterloo?s, home of excellent water slides." It?s
obvious the men are not interested and Bill and Ted have run out of room.
"Nice try, dude," Bill says, just before the men grab him and slide
him down the length of the bar. Bill?s head punches through the wall at
the end. A moment later, Ted?s head punches through the wall right next
to Bill?s. They lift their heads to see they are looking into the dance
hall girls? dressing room. One girl waves at Ted. Bill is amazed
at seeing Ted?s head through the wall but Ted is amazed by the girls.
Billy the Kid pulls them back out of the holes, but Ted sticks his head back
through to look at the girls again. Billy pulls Ted back out again and
they turn to leave, but the three burly men are blocking their way.
"Look!" Bill says,
looking up. "It?s the Good Year Blimp!" Ted exclaims, pointing
in the direction Bill is looking. The three men turn to look and Bill, Ted
and Billy step forward and push the men?s hats over their eyes. Ted then
melvins one of the men, causing his gun to go off and shoot the other in the
foot. The three men topple to the floor and Bill, Ted and Billy make their
escape from the saloon, inadvertently scaring off a horse-drawn wagon and
scaring up a flock of chickens. "I can?t believe they fell for
that!" Bill comments as they run to the phone booth. The men soon
take chase after them. Bill and Ted bolt into the booth and Billy stands
at the door with his gun drawn. "You guys saved my life!" Billy
the Kid states, then asks where they?re going. "The Golden Age of
Civilization," Ted answers as Bill dials. "Where?" Billy
cries. "Ancient Greece, dude," Bill explains. Ted pulls
Billy into the booth as the angry saloon patrons run at them. "Don?t
worry, we?ll bring you back as soon as you talk at our report," Ted
promises. "What??" Billy cries as the booth sparks and then
drops into the Circuit of Time, leaving the startled western folk looking
We next see some Greek statues
and Billy the Kid playing with a Nerf football as he waits beside the
booth. The caption "Athens, Greece - 410 B.C." appears on the
screen. Several young men are making their way up some steps to where a
man is lecturing. Bill and Ted are below, looking up at the forum.
They overhear one of the young men say "Socrates." Bill
recollects that they know that name. "Yah!" Ted agrees,
"Hey, look him up." He hands Bill the history book from his
rucksack. "Oh," Ted adds, "It?s under ?So-crates.?"
Bill looks it up and reads, "So-crates: The only true wisdom consist in
knowing that you know nothing." "That?s us, dude!" Ted
realizes. "Oh yah!" Bill smiles, placing the book back into Ted?s
rucksack, "Let?s bag him." Socrates is lecturing, and captions
tell us what he is saying. "So you see . . . our lives are but specks
of dust falling through the fingers of time." He sifts some ashes
from a bowl through his fingers to demonstrate.
Bill and Ted approach him, and
Socrates eyes them with confusion. "How?s it goin??" Bill
asks, "I?m Bill. This is Ted. We?re from the
future." Socrates introduces himself by speaking his own name.
"Now what?" Ted asks. "I dunno," Bill says, then
suggests, "Philosophize with him." Ted clears his throat and
states, "All we are is dust in the wind, dude." Socrates stares
open-mouthed. To help demonstrate, Bill picks up a handful of ashes and
says, "Dust." He then blows on his hand to scatter the ashes and
says, "Wind." To finish the point, Ted points to Socrates and
says, "Dude!" Socrates is intrigued. "Ah!" he
exclaims, similarly picking up ashes, "Yes! Like sands of the
hourglass, so are the days of our lives." Socrates laughs at his own
cleverness and Bill and Ted laugh as well as they lead him away to the booth.
The booth next lands in a
wooded area. Bill and Ted exit, looking around. Socrates is visibly
shaken by the trip. Billy the Kid, enjoying himself, steps out of the
booth as well and asks, "Not bad, ?ey, So-crates?" then asks,
"Where are we, dude?" "England. Fifteen
century," Bill explains as peasants start walking by with wood and
livestock. Ted notes that they are in most excellent shape for their
report and Bill adds that they need one more speaker from Medieval.
"Excellent!" Billy the Kid comments. Bill turns to Billy and
slaps him on the shoulder, noting, "Billy! You are dealing with the
oddity of time travel with the greatest of ease!" A male serf has
stopped and is eyeing the group warily. "Excuse me!" Bill calls
to the startled man, "Do you know where there are any personages of
historical significance around here?" The serf points behind them to
a huge castle. "Whoa!" they all gasp, impressed.
Bill checks their history book
noting that it must be the castle of King Henry. "Let?s go,
dude!" Bill says, putting the book back into Ted?s rucksack.
"Billy, guard the booth," Ted asks, handing him his rucksack,
"And watch So-crates." Bill and Ted wander to some shrubs and
take in the view while Billy keeps Socrates entertained with the Nerf football
in the background. Bill asks who they should get from Medieval.
"How ?bout that gnarly old goat dude?" Bill points out. But
Ted?s attention is directed to a balcony above where two young women have
appeared. "Ted!" Bill tries to get his friend?s
attention. "I?m in love, dude," Ted states.
"Whoa," Bill says after seeing them, "Those must be the
princesses you told yourself about at the Circle K." Ted waves at
them and the girls wave back. "We gotta go," Bill urges,
"This is a history report, not a babe report." "Bill . . .
those are historical babes," Ted points out. "Okay," Bill
agrees, "You?re the ladies? man. How we gonna meet ?em?"
Inside the castle, a pair of
guards march past a hallway lined with suits of armor. Once they have
gone, two of the suits move to look in the direction they went.
"Excellent!" Ted says, as he and Bill step off the platforms,
struggling to move in the heavy armor. "Hey, Bill?" Ted
asks. "What?" Bill replies. "These are heavy,"
Ted notes. "Yah . . . heavy metal!" Bill says, and they laugh
and share an air guitar. They stumble around, bumping into each other and
everything else as they start their search for the Princesses. Ted sees a
sword and picks it up, calling, "Hey, Bill!" "What?"
Bill asks. "I?m Darth Ted," Ted says in a deep voice as he
slaps Bill on top of the head with the sword. "Yah? Well, I?m
Luke Bill!" Bill counters, picking up a sword of his own, "And you?re
not my father!" They play sword fight with each other, making light
saber sounds and quoting lines from Star Wars. At one point Bill
loses his balance and falls backwards. "I totally conquered you,
dude!" Ted exclaims. "No way!" Bill argues, getting to his
feet and fighting back. "Hey, Bill!" Ted says.
"What?" Bill asks. "You totally don?t know how to sword
fight!" Ted taunts. Bill runs at Ted and pushes him backwards.
Ted loses his balance and accidentally rolls down a flight of stone stairs.
Bill pulls off his helmet and
watches as Ted rolls around a corner and out of sight, then the sound of him
landing with a loud crash. "Ted!" Bill cries worriedly, and he
rushes down the steps. He sees the prone suit of armor lying below just as
several people, including the two guards, approach. One guard walks up to
fallen armor and plunges his sword into its chest. "Ted!" Bill
gasps in horror. "Search the castle! There might be more!"
the guard shouts, and the other guard starts up the stairs toward Bill.
Bill backs away and hides behind a corner until the guard has passed. Bill
hurries down the stairs where two women and a man are approaching the fallen
figure. "Get outta here!" Bill yells, and the women scurry
away. Bill stands over the prone figure, sighing, "Bogus!
Heinous!" He kneels down next to the armor. "Most
non-triumphant. Aw Ted . . . don?t be dead, dude!"
The guard who stabbed the
armor suddenly comes running back into the room. "You killed Ted, you
medieval dickweed!" Bill shouts, and he lunges at the guard, knocking him
against the wall. But the guard quickly gets the upper hand and throws
Bill back, then lunges at him with his sword, which gets stuck in a table.
Bill is knocked off balance and falls on his back on the floor. The guard
is about to plunge his sword into Bill?s throat, when a figure suddenly pops
up behind the man and hits him on the head with a large bone. The guard
falls to the ground, unconscious. Bill sees Ted is the one who hit the
guard. "Whoa!" he exclaims as Ted helps pull him to his feet,
"Ted! You?re alive!" "Yah! I fell outta my
suit when I hit the floor!" Ted explains. They share a quick embrace,
then part, eyeing one another with distaste and exclaiming, "Fag!"
They are soon jubilant again, Bill commenting, "Dude, you totally boned
that dude in the head!" "Yah!" Ted agrees, "He?s a
part four . . .