After Socrates asks about
time, Bill's last line is now:
And who?d have thought Billy the Kid would ever be
chucking a Nerf football around ancient Greece?
They arrive at the van.
Rufus ? please ask Socrates if he would like to return
to San Dimas with us, to tell us what he thinks of it.
Rufus does. As Socrates
considers this, we:
They get in the van and get
ready to go. Billy the Kid steals the seat out from under Socrates so he
has to sit on the wheel well. Bill asks Rufus to take them to ?Medieval
England, and the Age of Feudalism.? Bill and Ted wonder how Napoleon is
doing with Deacon.
Cut to bowling alley.
Deacon and Napoleon are playing with Bobby and Jeff. The boys make fun of
Napoleon as he bowls. Napoleon hurts his wrist throwing the ball and
places his hand into his shirtfront, striking the famous pose. They boys
sneak out of the bowling alley.
Your brother?ll kill you!
I don?t care. Napoleon?s a dick.
Confrontation with the bowling
manager is more or less the same as in the movie.
EXT. ENGLISH CASTLE - DAY
On the outskirts of this grey
stone castle, a babbling brook winds its way through a verdant field. A
beaten-down looking SERF is bent over, picking roots when the van appears and
rolls to a stop behind some shrubbery. Bill and Ted get out of the van
while Billy and Socrates look through the window. Bill questions the serf
and Ted spots the Princesses strolling through a lush garden, about thirty yards
away. They stop, noticing the large, black, metallic van, then turn and
stare, making eye contact with the guys. Ted is smitten. The
Princesses? stares are interrupted when they hear their father and the Dukes
They are most beautiful, Bill
Well . . . You?re the ladies man,
how?re we gonna meet ?em?
EXT. CASTLE - CLOSE ON A
A HAND gently strums a simple
CHORD. PULL BACK TO REVEAL that this is Rufus standing by the castle wall.
INT. PRINCESS? CHAMBER
The two Princesses look up as
they HEAR the MUSIC. They turn toward the window, just in time to SEE:
IN THE WINDOW - TED?S HEAD
pop INTO FRAME. It sways
for a moment, then settles.
How?s it goin?, ladies?
The Princesses move
to the window, intrigued. They stare at Ted, who begins to sway
again. He looks down, and now, for the first time, we SEE:
EXT. CASTLE - A "HUMAN
Ted stands on top of Bill, who
stands on top of Socrates, who stands on top of Billy the Kid. Rufus
gently strums the guitar next to them.
What do I say, dude?
Rufus leans in to Billy the
Kid, and we begin a slow pan up the "ladder."
Tell her the beauty of her eyes is matched
only by the radiance of her soul.
Billy the Kid nods, then
whispers up to Socrates:
BILLY THE KID
She?s got beautiful eyes and a radiant soul.
Socrates nods, then whispers
up to Bill:
(not speaking English)
FINISH PAN on Bill, who looks
up at Ted, confused.
Something about radio wires in her soul.
THROUGH THE WINDOW - Ted looks
Your radial tires need to be resoled.
He winces ? that?s not
what he meant. The princesses nevertheless, are fascinated. Joanna
moves toward the window. Ted is nervous.
The "recite ?em some
lyrics" dialogue comes here instead.
Once again Joanne and
Elizabeth are switched (no wonder the end credits got mixed up!) The girls
hear their father coming and tell Bill and Ted to meet them there in half an
hour, then Joanna shoves Ted out of view. The "ladder" falls to
I think I got us dates, dude!
AIR GUITAR. And the guys
get up and bound off toward the castle.
Later, when Bill and Ted are
in the suits of armor and Bill says he feels like the dude from the Wizard of
Oz, and Ted asks, "The straw dude?", Bill responds:
No, not that dude.
Bill does a heavy, clanking
?If I only had a heart . . . ?
Way to go, dude!
Bill calls henchman a medieval
dick. Ted hits the henchmen with a lance, not a bone. Ted opens the
visor of his empty suit to show he wasn?t in it. The fag line when they
hug each other stays the same.
ANOTHER HALLWAY - MOMENTS
LATER - ANGLE ON DOOR
which opens, REVEALING the
Princesses who smile happily. And ? reverse
angle ? hug Bill and
Ted, delighted to see them. The guys exchange a high five over the girl?s
the Princesses break the hugs.
If we?re going to escape, we have to hurry.
Bill and Ted look at each
other and shrug, then follow the girls toward a "secret passageway" in
EXT. GRASSY KNOLL
Rufus, Billy the Kid, and
Socrates are playing Bill?s "Trivial Pursuit" game. Rufus has
three pieces of pie. Socrates has one. Billy the Kid has none.
Socrates rolls the dice and moves his piece. Rufus picks up a card.
"What is the capitol of Colorado?"
BILLY THE KID
I know that one!
Socrates answers in
Greek. Rufus shakes his head.
Athens is incorrect.
Socrates frowns. Meanwhile, in
the secret passageway the Princesses are leading Bill and Ted through a narrow,
dimly-lit corridor. A patch of light is visible at the end.
. . . and so, if we refuse to marry these two
horrible old men, our father will have us killed.
Yah, you know ? Non-bodacious.
They reach the end of the
corridor and the guys help the girls shove a large block out of the way.
They squeeze through to the outside of the castle and find themselves surrounded
by twenty henchmen. Bill and Ted throw out the Earl of Smith and Duke of
Ted lines here.
AT THE GRASSY KNOLL
The game continues, Rufus now
has 4 pieces of pie, Socrates has 2. Billy the Kid still has none.
He rolls and moves his piece. Rufus reads from a card.
"Who was Howdy Doody?s sister?"
Billy the Kid frowns.
BILLY THE KID
Sorry. Heidi Doody.
Billy the Kid, fed up, shoots
the game. Then he picks it up and hurls it into a clump of bushes.
Socrates shakes his head at this poor display of sportsmanship as Rufus heads
into the undergrowth and emerges on the other side of the bushes where he stops
when he sees Bill, Ted, and the Princesses are being led away by the
Henchmen. Bill and Ted are bound in chains. Rufus looks on, quite
concerned, as we:
The execution scene in
the courtyard. The Princess? father is now a duke and not king.
Bill and Ted explain to the Duke how the Princesses don't love the old fat
dudes. Bill and Ted are going on about Bill's parents divorce and Missy
not being able to cook when:
Bill and Ted stop, silenced.
Demons, it is your choice. You may
either fight the Great Knight . . .
Murmurs from the crowd.
The Princesses bite their lips.
. . . or be tortured. In the Iron Maiden.
Iron Maiden joke comes
here. The Duke,
amazed by their reaction, stands, outraged.
Bring out the Great Knight!
The girls are horrified.
Bill and Ted stand, mouths agape, as The GREAT KNIGHT emerges through a
doorway. He wears full black metal armor and carries a large, imposing
shield. He is equipped with an array of Medieval weaponry ? a studded
metal ball, a large, spiked club, a powerful lance, and heavy chains. Bill
and Ted are given puny little swords. They look at them and swallow.
IN THE COURTYARD
The crowd hushes. The
Duke raises his hand. And the Great Knight begins his approach. The
guys raise their tiny swords as the Great Knight stalks toward them, fiercely
brandishing his arsenal. Ted takes a deep breath, steps forward and raises
his sword to Joanna.
I pledge my life to thee, you bodacious babe!
The Princesses are impressed
by this gallantry. The Duke is incensed. Ted rushes at the Great
Knight and takes a swipe at him. But the Knight simply grabs the blade and
flings Ted away, sending him landing with a thud, back at Bill?s feet.
I?m totally weak, dude!
Bill now bravely steps
Unhand your weapons, you bogus knight!
The Knight whirls toward Bill,
swinging the spiked ball, just past Bill?s head. Bill looks at
Ted, mouth agape.
I almost got beheaded, dude!
The Great Knight grabs Bill
and, with his free arm grabs Ted as well. Then, with a savage grunt, he
charges toward the back of the courtyard and rams the guys up against the back
wall! Bill and Ted are stunned.
Bill. I believe our adventure through
time has taken a most serious turn.
Bill nods, then gasps
as The Great Knight takes
two swords, raises them in the air and, with a fearsome YELL, thrusts them into
Bill and Ted who yelp in terror! The crowd goes crazy! A beat.
Then ? Bill opens
his eyes and looks down.
(opening his eyes as well)
A SLOW PAN DOWN reveals that
the swords are wedged into the wall, not into Bill and Ted.
THE DUKE?S POV - LONG SHOT
It looks as if the two
"Demons" have been run through. The Duke smiles,
vindicated. The Princesses are in tears. Bill and Ted are astounded
and greatly relieved. Then, they look up and gasp as The Great Knight
flips up his visor, revealing that he is, in actuality, a very serious-looking
Time to get to the report, gentlemen.
BILL / TED
Ru ? !!
But Rufus clasps his hands
over their mouths.
I want you guys to take the van and finish
the report. You have to pass. Understand?
BILL / TED
But ? !!!
(continuing; indicating Ted?s watch)
Remember what I said about San Dimas.
Time is running out.
What about the babes?
What about you?
Don?t worry about us.
The report comes first.
Good luck, amigos.
Rufus grabs the guys, and
lifts them into the air. The crowd roars. The Duke applauds. The Princesses cry.
And the "Great Knight" lifts his victims a bit higher, and dumps
them over the wall. On the other side of the wall, Bill and Ted fall
to the ground, immediately attracting the attention of TWO MORE HENCHMEN, who
start in their direction. The camera follows Bill and Ted as they start
sprinting toward the van, the two Henchmen on their heels.
What are we gonna do about Rufus?
We can?t just leave him here!
Ted, you heard what he said.
We gotta pass the report.
Well . . . how are we gonna do that, even?
We?re missing the whole Medieval time period!
Still running, they near the
SERF, who is know kneeling near the van, picking roots.
We?ll have to use what we can.
And as Bill and Ted approach
the Serf, they lean in and body-block him into the van. Behind them, the
Henchmen are now ten feet away. Billy
the Kid and Socrates slide the doors shut behind Bill, Ted, and the stunned
Serf. The Henchmen, outside, slam into the van with a thud. Bill
jumps into the driver?s seat and frantically starts the ignition.
You know what you?re doing?
In the back, Ted, Socrates,
Billy the Kid and the Serf topple over as Bill floors it and the van
accelerates, blurs and disappears. The two Henchmen stand up
and look around in utter confusion.
INT. VAN - TIME TRAVELING
Everything shakes violently as
Bill tries to control the careening vehicle.
Billy the Kid, Socrates. This is . . .
. . . John.
Ted doesn?t feel like
Billy the Kid, please explain things to John.
And Ted crawls up front.
BILLY THE KID
(to John the Serf)
Okay. We?re going to this place "San Dimas."
I dunno where it is, but we?re supposed to see
what we think of it . . .
JOHN the SERF is still
BILLY THE KID
Did you see Back to the Future?
JOHN the SERF shakes his
head. Ted sits in the passenger seat, looking out the window.
Be careful, dude!
Ted, I?ve never driven through a time-void
before. Would you like to try it?
I?ve never even driven in San Dimas.
Where we going?
Home, I hope.
. . .