EXT. BILL AND TED?S APARTMENT HOUSE ? MOMENTS LATER

The guys pass a beaten-up, overheating, obviously way over-driven Porsche, which is parked in front of the building. As they head up the stairs, they HEAR LOUD MUSIC.

TED
How?re we gonna get in?
We don?t got our keys.

Bill just looks at Ted.

TED
Oh, yah.

INT. APARTMENT

Bill and Ted walk through the front door and look around. The music is cranked. The place is a mess. And the bedroom door is half-closed.

Bill and Ted slowly approach . . .

THE BEDROOM

. . . and peer inside. And gasp.

BILL
No way.

TED
Those evil us?s are totally
scoring with our girlfriends!

Evil Bill and Ted start to roll on top of the girls.

EVIL TED
Come on, babe.  Evil Ted
needs some servicin?.

TED
(rushing forward)
No!  Let her go!

BILL
(restraining him)

Ted, they can?t hear you.
(then, turning towards Evil Bill)

Get off of her
!

Joanne pushes Evil Bill off her and rises.

JOANNA
(rattled)

I . . . I don?t understand what?s come
over you, Bill.  You?re usually so nice.

EVIL BILL
Nice is for puss-weeds.
Get back here and put out!

Joanna turns to Elizabeth, who has also risen to her feet.

JOANNA
Let?s go.

Elizabeth nods, and the Princesses hurry out, passing right through the horrified Bill and Ted.

Evil Bill and Ted turn, watch the Princesses leave, and call out:

EVIL BILL AND TED
Catch ya, later, babes!
(then)
Bitches.

We HEAR the front door slam.

EVIL BILL
I got a idea.  Tonight at the
concert, let?s waste ?em.

Bill and Ted?s jaws drop.

EVIL TED
Sterling.
(then)
For now, let?s trash this lame little rathole.

EVIL BILL
Stellar, Evil Ted.

And, pleased with themselves, Evil Bill and Ted exit the bedroom.  Bill and Ted look at each other, shocked beyond words.

BILL
We have got to stop them.

TED
Yah.  But how?

EXT. POLICE STATION - A LITTLE LATER

Bill and Ted move INTO FRAME and look at the San Dimas police station.

TED
You really think this?ll work?

BILL
(shrugs)

It worked in "The Exorcist."

The guys move toward the station and we CUT TO:

INT. STATION - CONFERENCE ROOM

Captain Logan sits before a group of ten or fifteen OFFICERS, leading the morning briefing.

CAPTAIN LOGAN

. . . and we?ll be stepping up security at the ampitheatre tonight for the . . . "Grand Jam."

Captain Logan?s second in command, OFFICER JAMES, smiles - -

OFFICER JAMES
I hear your son?s band?s gonna be playing.

LOGAN
Don?t remind me.  Also?

As Captain Logan looks down at his notes, we SEE (but no one else does) Bill and Ted move through the wall.

Bill gives Ted a thumbs-up.  Then, Ted crosses behind his father, touches him on the shoulder . . . and disappears into him.

Beat.

Captain Logan goes blank.

Then, suddenly, he looks up from his notes, a goofy, Ted-like expression on his face.  He looks at the other officers, head bobbing.

CAPTAIN LOGAN
(in a vaguely Ted-like voice)

Okay, dudes.  I mean, fellow policemen.  My son, Ted
"Theodore" Logan and his friend, Bill S. Preston Esquire, have
been murdered and replaced by evil robots from the future.

This scene is the same until . . .

They stuff donuts into their mouths, oblivious to the entire roomful of cops, who stare, utterly dumbfounded.

OFFICER JAMES
Good cruller.

CAPTAIN LOGAN
Yah.  I got really hungry being dead.

OFFICER JAMES
Now we?re eating, but these aren?t even our bodies!

CAPTAIN LOGAN
(suddenly earnest)
Dude, this is really weird.

Then, Officer James and Captain Logan stop and turn back to the silent, awestruck room.

CAPTAIN LOGAN
Anyways, that?s all.
Catch ya later, cop-dudes.

Captain Logan and Officer James go blank for a moment while we SEE Bill and Ted emerge out of their bodies and stand, translucent, behind their erstwhile hosts.

TED
That was most tiring.

BILL
Yah.  But let?s see if it worked.

They watch, expectant, as Logan and James, still holding half-eaten donuts, crumbs all over their faces, "come to."

Logan, completely dazed, shakes his head.

CAPTAIN LOGAN
. . . Meeting?s over.

TED
(disappointed)

Dad!

Captain Logan sits, stunned, as his fellow officers rise and file past, sympathetic.

CAPTAIN LOGAN
(to James)
I need a vacation.

James nods in agreement.

Bill and Ted look at each other, devastated.

BILL
Now
what?

TED
(thinks)

Wait ? it?s Saturday, right?
(off Bill?s nod)
I know who can help us.

INT. LOGAN HOUSE - A BIT LATER

Dim light.  New age music plays as we MOVE ALONG a row of six or seven relatively attractive, well-dressed 25-30 year-olds who sit on cushions in a half-circle, eyes closed, hands joined.

FIRST WOMAN
Ghandi.

SECOND WOMAN
Babe Ruth.

MAN
Ann Boleyn.

THIRD WOMAN
President Chester A. Arthur.

SECOND MAN
Clark Gable.

MISSY
And I would like to contact Albert Einstein.

She begins an INCANTATION.  Meanwhile?

This scene is pretty much the same until the end when Bill & Ted have been sent downwards:

Beat.

Someone flicks the light on.  Missy collects herself.

MISSY
L . . . l . . . lunch anyone?

Everyone nods and quickly begins to exit the room.

As they do, the Grim Reaper moves through the wall just in time to HEAR:

MISSY
(turning to Woman #2)
Well, I hope they?re from Hell,
because that?s where I sent them.

HOLD on the Grim Reaper, who looks down, then shakes his gaunt, pale head, and we SMASH CUT TO:

The start of the falling scene is the same until after they play 20 questions:

They keep falling.  More time passes.  Ted yawns.

TED
I?m bored.

BILL
Yah.
(then)
Knock knock.

TED
Who?s there?

BILL
Wyld.

TED
Wyld who?

BILL
Wyld Stallyns!!

They both AIR GUITAR, and then, suddenly ?

? WHOMP.  They land on a pile of coal in the rear car of a MINE TRAIN that is speeding around rollercoaster-like turns through a series of black, smoke-filled CAVERNS.

They slowly raise their heads and peer over the edge . . .

BILL/TED
Whoa . . .

. . . and SEE:

GALLERIES OF VILLAINS

whizzing past them, stuck into stage-like crags and crannies of this place, forced to forever repeat their darkest fears.

GANGSTERS are being gunned down against walls . . .

WESTERN OUTLAWS are being hanged . . .

PIRATES are being forced to walk the plank . . . over and over and over . . .

IN THE TRAIN

Bill and Ted, rushing past all this, grow more and more excited ?

BILL/TED
Excellent!

BILL
Check it out!  No hands!

? until the train whips around another corner and suddenly screeches to a stop, causing the guys to be THROWN OUT and land in a heap of ashes on:

A ROCKY, CRAGGY, BLISTERINGLY HOT SURFACE

Where we HEAR an indistinct CHORUS OF MOANS and a BATTERY OF TRUDGING FOOTSTEPS.

The guys immediately jump to their feet.

TED
Let?s get in line for that again!

Bill nods.  Then, abruptly, an enormous PITCHFORK is driven into the ground between Bill and Ted, and a tall, heavily built DEMON GUARD, dressed all in black, grabs them.

Bill and Ted gulp as their feet are shackled and two SLEDGEHAMMERS are thrust into their hands.

IN A MINESHAFT-LIKE TUNNEL - SECONDS LATER

Bill and Ted have joined an endless, serpentine CHAIN GANG.  All about them, thousands of tortured, moaning souls are wearily pounding in what would seem to be a dark, infinite cavern.

The guys look at each other.

BILL AND TED
Non non-triumphant
.

A whip cracks behind them, and they have no choice but to begin breaking rocks.

Bill hits.  Ted hits.  Bill hits again.  Ted hits again.

Finally:

TED
Dude, I totally broke a rock.

BILL
Way to go!

They continue hitting rocks.  Bill hits.  Ted hits.  Bill.  Ted.

Then:

TED
I kinda like this.

BILL
You wanna do it for all eternity, Ted?

TED
(thinks)

No.

Heading around a bend, they stop in front of ANOTHER GUARD.

BILL
Excuse me, Mr. Demon Sir.  But
how long do we gotta do this for?

TED
Yah, we gotta get out of here and . . .

The Guard opens his mouth and pulls out a huge black RAT. He dangles it in front of the guys? faces.

BILL AND TED
(thrilled)

Whooaa!!

BILL
Not bad!

TED
We totally knew this guy who got one
of those at Kentucky Fried Chicken!

BILL
Do something else, dude!

TED
Yah, do the rat again!

The Guard looks at them for a moment, then pushes them back into the line.

They hit some more rocks.  And some more.  And some more.  After a moment:

TED
Dude, I?m telling you ? I like this.

BILL
Ted, you can break rocks at home.

TED
Yah . . . but not so many.

They round another bend and enter into . . .

A LARGER, UNDERGROUND CAVERN

Where suddenly people begin to work a bit harder and the Guards look down, nervous.

Bill and Ted look up, seeing:

ON A LEDGE HIGH ABOVE THEM

A towering, shadowy, distant FIGURE, standing, overseeing his dark domain.

BILL AND TED

Look back at each other.

TED
Who?s that?

BILL
Ted.  Who do you think it is?

TED
(nods)
Oh yah . . .
(then)
How are we gonna get his attention?

They look at each other.  Then ?

BILL/TED
Sign of the Devil, dude!

SECONDS LATER - HIGH ANGLE SHOT - FROM BEHIND THE DARK FIGURE

As the quarry line files past far below us, we SEE TWO SMALL FIGURES thrusting their arms back and forth, index and little fingers raised in the heavy metal sign "Sign of the Devil."

We HEAR distant, tiny voices.

BILL AND TED
(from way below)

Down here, dude!

The Figure stares down for a moment, raises his arm and:

BILL AND TED

Are suddenly jerked up OUT OF FRAME.

ON THE LEDGE

The guys land directly in front of the Dark Figure (who we still see only from behind).  A low RED LIGHT emanates from the Figure.

BILL
(swallows)
How?s it going?

TED
(nods)
Excellent rocks.

BILL
We totally broke some.

Beat.  Ted exhales.

TED
So . . . okay.  Can we go now?

BILL
Yah, cuz, see, this is all a
mistake.  My ex step-mom ?

TED
Who?s now my step-mom ?

We HEAR a low, heavy CHUCKLING. Then, the red light intensifies as we HEAR:

A FIERY, CRACKLING VOICE
I . . . know.

TED
You do?

BILL
So does that mean . . . ?

VOICE
You . . . may . . . go.

Bill and Ted?s mouths drop open.

TED
Thanks, dude!

BILL
Yah, you know, you got a bad rap,
but you actually seem like a pretty -

BOOM.

Suddenly, and with no previous warning, the guys find themselves standing in:

A STARK, BLACK AND WHITE CHECKERED HALLWAY

With hundreds of doors along each side.  Startled, they look at each other.

TED
Where are we?

BILL
I don?t know.
(looking around)
But I guess we should try some of these doors.

Ted nods.  The guys carefully cross to the FIRST DOOR on the right.

They open, step inside, and suddenly are in ?

A BLEAK, WINTERY LANDSCAPE

Somewhere in the frozen North.

BILL
Where are we?

Across the snow, a FIGURE IN GREEN COMBAT FATIGUES stalks toward the guys.

BILL
Who?s that?

Suddenly Ted?s eyes widen with fear.

TED
Oh, no . . . It?s . . . it?s
. . . it?s Colonel Oates!

The guys look at each other in terror, at that instant realizing that they, too, are now wearing FULL COMBAT FATIGUES.

BILL/TED
No way!!

Suddenly ?

COLONEL OATES

is upon the guys, eyeballing them and bellowing in their ears. Oates is the meanest, toughest military commander ever.

The scene with Colonel Oates is pretty much the same until they run out of his version of Hell:

OUT THE DOOR

Where they dash, still screaming, across the checkered hallway and into ?

A DARK ROOM

Where a SPOTLIGHT suddenly hits them and we HEAR:

AN AMPLIFIED VOICE
Ladies and Gentlemen . . . The Firelight
Room presents, from now until eternity . . .
Wyld Stallyns
!

We HEAR tepid applause, a tinkly piano, and . . .

BILL AND TED

NOW MIDDLE-AGED, POT-BELLIED, AND DRESSED IN CHEESY, SPANGLED JUMPSUITS ? step forward and, strumming their guitars, begin their rendition of the song "Memory" from Cats.

BILL AND TED
(singing)
MEMORY, ALL ALONE IN THE MOONLIGHT,
I CAN DREAM OF THE OLD DAYS,
LIFE WAS BEAUTIFUL THEN . . .

As they sing, their heads slowly turn towards one another . . .

They stop singing, but continue to strum their guitars.

TED
Dude.

BILL
What?

TED
I think we?re in our own personal hell.

Bill nods.

Beat.

Then, suddenly the guys drop their guitars and run back into - -

THE CHECKERED HALLWAY

This is where they split up . . . same as in movie until we get to Bill as a child in Hell:

REVERSE SHOT - IN AN OVERSTUFFED LITTLE ATTICKY ROOM

Before Bill, a tiny rocking chair turns and we SEE:

BILL?S GRANDMOTHER

Looking at him.

BILL
G ? Gr? Granny S. P-P-P-Preston . . . Esquire.

Granny Preston points to her moustachioed upper lip.

GRANNY
How about one more kiss for
your dear old Granny, Bill?

Bill swallows, and suddenly the rocking chair ZOOMS toward him.

He turns, bolting out the door and into ?

THE CHECKERED HALLWAY

Where, panicked, he runs right into Ted, who is scrambling out of the other room.

SAME except after the devil throws them down the corridor:

FLAMES suddenly shoot down the hall.  The guys jump to their feet and try to run away, but, as if in a bad dream, they move in slow motion.

TED
(looking over at Bill)

We?re totally NFL Highlights.

BILL
Yah, only this isn?t football, it?s
eternal damnation and torment.

This is when they decide they have to play the Reaper.

Continue . . .