Page 5

EXT. CAVES - DAWN

A group of CAVEMEN sit around a fire, grunting.  Suddenly we hear a loud rumble as the van appears and roars toward the Cavemen, skidding to a halt as it runs over their fire.  The cavemen back away, amazed.  The door opens, and Bill and Ted step out, looking around.

TED
Dude, we went back way too far.

BILL
Yah.  This must be like . . . B.C.

TED
Whoa -- check out the cave dudes.

The awestruck Cavemen now begin bowing down before Bill and Ted.  One huge one, OG, approaches them, grunting and sniffing.  He gestures to their snuffed-out fire.

SAME - MOMENTS LATER

Bill backs the van off the fire.  Ted leans down and re-lights it, using his Bic lighter.  As the cavemen return to the warmth of their fire, Ted is by the van, coaxing Og toward it with a Ding Dong.  Bill starts up the van as Ted enters with Og.

TED
(to Og)

Don?t worry.  We?ll bring you back right after our
history report.  By the way, I?m Ted and this is Bill.

OG
(grunting)

Og.

BILL
(over shoulder)

How?s it goin?, Og?

As Og sniffs around the back of the van and eats his Dong Dong.  The Van blurs and disappears.

INT. VAN ? TIME TRAVELING

Ted is teaching Og how to AIR GUITAR as outside, everything is a blur.  Og crudely imitates Ted.

TED
Excellent!
(to Bill)
To Tudor England, dude!

BILL
I?m trying, Ted.

Bill floors it again, then Van shaking as we:

CUT TO:

EXT. DESERT - DAY

The desert we saw in the opening.  Vast, stark, orangeish; futuristic domes dot the landscape.  After a beat, the van lands in front of some smallish domes with a crash, MUSIC BLARING from within.  It stops.  Beat.  Bill and Ted get out, look at the domes where a woman, dressed all in white except for a black trench-coat, steps out of one of them and looks at Bill and Ted.  She stops, staring at them, stunned.  Bill and Ted walk toward her.

TED
How?s it goin??

BILL
Where are we?

WOMAN
It?s . . . you.

BILL
(beat)
Yeah, it?s us.
(to Ted, sotto)
Who are we?

TED
(to Woman)
What year is this?

WOMAN
2684.

TED
Whoa!  We definitely went way too far forward, dude!

Then the Woman closes her eyes and concentrates very hard.  Other people start to come out of the domes.  All are dressed in whites and blacks.  They gather around Bill and Ted, gazing at them reverently.  Long beat.  Bill and Ted shift nervously.

TED
(sotto)
Bill, do you think they?re going to sacrifice us and eat us?

BILL
(also sotto)
That would be bogus.

Then, the crowd begins to do an oddly ritualistic version of AIR GUITAR ? slowly and solemnly.  They stop and look at Bill and Ted, who shrug and do AIR GUITAR themselves.  The crowd is deeply moved by this.  They begin beckoning to Bill and Ted.

CROWD
Speak.
Say something.
Talk to us.  Etc.

Bill and Ted are totally confused.

TED
They want to hear us speak, Bill.

BILL
Go ahead, dude.

TED
What?ll I say?

BILL
Make something up.

Ted swallows, raises his hand to quiet everything. He can?t think of anything to say.  Finally ?

TED
Be excellent to each other.

Beat. The crowd waits expectantly for more.

TED
And . . . party on, dudes.

The crowd is deeply pleased.  Bill and Ted begin to move toward the van.

BILL
(to crowd)
Well . . . we gotta go.

TED
(backing away)
Yah, we?d take one of you back with us, but
it?s a History report, not a future report . . .

INT. VAN

Bill and Ted get in, confused, and start it up.  They look out the window at the crowd, who continue to stare at them, motionless.

TED
(out window)
Later, dudes!

And Bill accelerates as the van blurs and disappears.  HOLD on the denizens of the future, who continue to stare, reverently, and:

CUT TO:

EXT. ROMAN COURTYARD - DAY

JULIUS CAESAR walks through his courtyard as a loud SCREECH catches his attention.  He looks up just as the Van skids toward him, bumping into him and knocking him over.  Ted is flipping through this history book.

TED
Bill!  It?s the salad-dressing dude!

BILL
That?s the Green Goddess?

TED
No, it?s Caesar.

BILL
He?s on our list!  Let?s bag him!

They open the doors and jump out, joined by Og, as we:

CUT TO:

EXT. COURTYARD

The van shakes and disappears.

INT. VAN

Caesar holds his head, stunned.  Og sniffs at him, eating a Twinkie.  Beat.  Ted doesn?t know what to say.

TED
(finally)
Wanna Ding Dong, Caesar?

EXT. VIENNA STREET - DAY

The Van lands with a crash and skids to a halt before a sign which reads "S. FREUD." Automobiles, circa 1910, pass by the Van.

After a moment SIGMUND FREUD steps out of his office, walking curiously to the Van and looks in the open doors.  Ted and Og approach him from behind and push him into the van, climbing in behind him.  As the van accelerates, we:

CUT TO:

EXT. MONGOLIAN PLAIN - DAY

The Van sits on the ground.  We HEAR muted VOICES from inside.  Then the door opens and Ted, still trying to calm Freud down, steps out.

TED
It?s very simple.  We?ll take you right back to where we
got you, alls you have to do is talk at our history report.

Freud tries to make sense of this, but can?t.  Finally he just shrugs.

FREUD
(Austrian accent)
This must be a dream.

Bill approaches, leading Og, who carries a small, struggling, fur-clad BARBARIAN.

TED
Who?s that?

BILL
I think it?s Genghis Khan.

TED
Way to go.

They all get into the van.  As it starts rolling:

TED
Bill, I know I keep asking ?

BILL
Ted, I?m trying to get to England, all right?

Loud MUSIC comes ON, and CONTINUES OVER the following:

SERIES OF SHOTS - TIME TRAVELING as Bill and Ted make their way back and forth through history, trying to find the Princesses, the following happens rapidly:

? The Van lands at Valley Forge in the dead of winter.  Ted recognizes GEORGE WASHINGTON and has Og place him in the van.

? SHAKESPEARE, huddled over a table working on a play, is picked up by Og and carried out of the room.

? ABE LINCOLN, BABE RUTH and MARCO POLO are picked up.

? Inside the van, it?s getting very crowded.  Bodies are thrown back and forth as more and more famous people are jammed in.

Things are happening faster and faster ?

INT. VAN - TIME TRAVELING

Chaos.  The Van is crammed with confused, uncomfortable, bickering Historical Figures.  Ted, trying to keep order, hands out Hunt?s Pudding Cups.  He picks up a clipboard.

TED
Okay.  Raise your hands when I call out your name.

Pronouncing most of the following incorrectly:

TED
Abe Lincoln.

Lincoln raises his hand, then goes back to his Pudding Cup.

TED
Charlemagne.  Joan of Arc.  Michaelangelo.

They all raise their hands.

TED
Beethoven.
(beat)
Beethoven.

Freud nudges Beethoven, who looks up, then raises his hand.  Next to him, Christopher Columbus is opening a Pudding Cup.  He is about to lick the lid when ?

TED
(seeing him)
Christopher Columbus!
Don?t lick the lid of the Pudding Cup.

But Columbus does anyhow, and winces.

TED
I told you not to.  Everyone!  Don?t lick the lids!

ANOTHER ANGLE

Genghis Khan is elbowing Lincoln, trying to make more room for himself.

TED
Genghis Khan!  Abe Lincoln!  That?s
funny until someone gets hurt.

But Genghis Khan and Lincoln keep horsing around. Ted goes up front.

TED
Bill, they won?t stop rough-housing.

BILL
(over shoulder)
Do I have to pull this van over?

Everyone quiets down.  Ted returns.

TED
Okay.  Who have I not called?
(beat)
Yes, Amelia Earhart?

The Van pulls off, into darkness, and stops.

TED (V.O.)
Okay. Who else besides Amelia Earhart
has to go to the bathroom?

(beat)
We?re not stopping again.

Four or five people step out of the van.  A moment later, the doors shut and the Van takes off again.

TED (V.O.)
Bill . . .

BILL (V.O.)
All right, Ted.  I?ll try again.

Bill jams on the brakes.

EXT. 7/11 PARKING LOT - NIGHT

The Van screeches to a halt next to another IDENTICAL VAN.  Next to it, in front of the 7/11 are  another Bill and Ted identical in every way.  They stop, dead in their tracks, as they see the Van pull in toward them.  Bill and Ted are blown away as they look out the window ?

BILL
Hey, that?s us!

TED
Dude!  You took us back to San Dimas.

BILL
Yah ? only this isn?t now, it?s a week ago!

TED
I remember this, only from over there!

BILL
Yah ? only then, that us was us, and this us was
them
.  Now, that us is them, and this us is us.

Long pause.  They look at each other utterly confused.  Finally Ted speaks.

TED
Bill.  We are in the middle of a most unusual adventure.

BILL
Let?s go out and talk to ourselves.

TED
Excellent!

BILL
What?d we say, dude?

TED
I don?t remember ? let?s find out.

Encounter with themselves scene plays out the same, except Ted warns about HoHos instead of watch.

Rufus steps up to the driver?s window.

BILL
Rufus!

RUFUS
Everything all right?

TED
Not really.  Remember those babes in Tudor England?

BILL
He doesn?t remember, Ted. He hasn?t been there yet.

TED
Well, we?re trying to get back there.

RUFUS
Oh.  Just use the meter.

Bill and Ted look down at the dashboard where a chronometer reads "19:10 PM 6 - 04 - 1984 A.D."  Rufus points to the numbers.

RUFUS
See?  Time ? date.  Okay?

BILL / TED
Excellent!

TED
Thanks, Rufus!

Bill puts the Van in reverse and begins to pull away.  Ted sticks his head outside the window:

TED
(calling)
Rufus!  Watch out for my dad and Mr. Rowe!

The van shakes and disappears. We HOLD ON:

THE PARKING LOT

where First Bill and Ted watch, still shocked, as Rufus walks back to them.

FIRST BILL
That was a most puzzling occurrence.

CUT TO:

INT. VAN ? CLOSE ON METER

The numbers spin backward: 1750 ? 1700 ? 1650 . . . .

TED (V.O.)
When are we gonna be there, Bill?

BILL (V.O.)
Almost, Ted.
(then)
Okay, here we go.

And as the numbers whir back into the Fifteenth Century, Bill jams on the brakes and

EXT. OLD ENGLAND CASTLE - DAY

The Van screeches to a halt in front of the castle.

TED (V.O.)
Bill, you did it!

BILL
Okay.  Let?s get the babes!

The back door opens and Historical Figures begin to pile out, exhausted and a little bruised.  There is some anger, but overall there is a growing sense of camaraderie ? Lincoln help Michelangelo down the step.  Charlemagne chats with Joan of Arc, Shakespeare holds the door open for Washington, etc.  Ted steps around and surveys the scene.

TED
Okay.  Everybody over here.  We gotta make a plan.

As our Historical Figures move toward Ted, we cut to:


Continue . . .


 

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BILL & TED characters are trademarks of Nelson 1991 Inc. The motion picture BILL & TED'S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE ? 1989 Nelson Films Inc. All Rights Reserved. The motion picture BILL & TED'S BOGUS JOURNEY ? 1991 Orion Pictures Corporation. All Rights Reserved.