Page 6

EXT. CASTLE COURTYARD ? SAME

The King stands over Joanne and Elizabeth, who kneel before him, bound.  He is flanked by the two Dukes and by twenty or thirty ominous looking henchmen.  Behind them, the members of the Kingdom watch silently.

ELIZABETH
Please, father.  We beg your forgiveness.

KING
(stern)
Will you consent to marry the Dukes?

Joanne looks at Elizabeth, then back.  She hesitates.

JOANNA
We will not, father.

KING
I am sorry then.  You have disobeyed your father.
You have consorted with demons, and then helped
them escape.  You cannot be forgiven.

He stands.

KING
To the executioners.

On Elizabeth and Joanna?s reaction we:

CUT BACK TO:

EXT. FOREST ? CLOSE ON DIRT

A hand scrawls out a plan in the dirt.  Then another hand comes INTO FRAME and wipes out the first plan, replacing it with another.  Yet another hand moves INTO FRAME, wiping out the second plan and starting a third one.  PULL BACK TO REVEAL Genghis Khan, Charlemagne, Caesar, Washington and all the other military figures, kneeling in a semi-circle, arguing over which plan to use.  IN THE BACKGROUND, the non-military figures chat, throw the Nerf football, eat Pudding Cups, and listen to the stereo.  Bill and Ted are with the Generals.  Ted walks into the middle of the semi-circle and faces them.  He gathers his courage.

TED
Okay.  Here?s the plan.

Silence.  All eyes on Ted.  He points to the distant castle.

TED
Let?s just . . . go get ?em!

Bill is impressed with Ted.  The general rise, and everyone starts toward the Van.  Bill and Ted share a private AIR GUITAR.

The MUSIC SWELLS and we:

CUT TO:

EXT. COURTYARD

Joanna and Elizabeth?s heads are lowered onto the chopping blocks.  There is much weeping and crying.  Meanwhile the van is speeding through the countryside toward the castle.  In the back, the generals are preparing everyone for battle.  The Executioners approach Elizabeth and Joanna, as the van careens closer and closer, music blaring.

INTERCUT BETWEEN:

COURTYARD / COUNTRYSIDE

The execution draws closer.  The van zooms toward the castle.  Finally, as the executioners raise their axes the van crashes through the castle gates, and skids into the courtyard where everyone reacts to the crash and the BLARING MUSIC of the oncoming van.  The Princesses, suddenly hopeful, look up as the van careens toward the execution, finally screeching to a halt before the King.  The doors open, MUSIC BLARES, and Bill and Ted step out grandly.

TED
We have returned!

BILL
Unhand those babes, you bogus King!

The King is infuriated.

KING
Seize them!

As the corps of Henchmen move toward Bill and Ted, Bill opens the back door of the van and our army of Historical Figures file out, lining up behind Bill and Ted, ready to fight.  The Henchmen stop.  Ted steps up to the King.

TED
King, give us Joanna and Elizabeth now, or we will be
forced to use our most formidable army, consisting
of great generals from throughout time.

The King stands, outraged.

KING
SEIZE THEM!!!

And THE FIGHT ENSUES.  MUSIC PLAYS. The crowd recedes.  And Bill and Ted?s historic army behind to rout the royal henchmen!  The Generals plunge fiercely into battle, taking on two or three Henchmen each, stealing weapons as they fight.  Meanwhile Bill and Ted fight with the executioners, barely escaping their deadly blades.  Finally, trapped and desperate, Ted distracts them and Bill PANTSES THEM.  They grab the girls.

JOANNA
Oh, Bill.

ELIZABETH
Oh, Ted.

A single, romantic kiss.

TED
We will be right back.

BILL
There is a battle to be won.

And Bill and Ted rush back into the fray.  Meanwhile, Babe Ruth, Genghis Khan and Og hit people with bats.  The Babe sees an onrushing Henchman and "gets up to bat."  He points over the castle wall, then smack?s the Henchman?s helmet right over it.  Og and Genghis look on, impressed with the Babe?s smooth home-run swing.  Elsewhere in the courtyard, Michelangelo, Shakespeare, Van Gogh, and the other non-military figures throw rocks, trying to stay clear of the battle.  Christopher Columbus chases the King, slicing at him with the lid of a Pudding Cup.  Bill and Ted are approached from behind by the two Dukes, who brandish large swords.  They are about to be stabbed when ?

ELIZABETH
Bill!  Ted!  Watch out!

? Joanna and Elizabeth jump on the Dukes? backs, giving Bill and Ted enough time to turn and punch the two old men in the gut. T hey grab the Princesses.  Most of the King?s forces, having been routed, are now retreating.  Bill, holding Joanna, and Ted, holding Elizabeth, make their way through the mayhem, heading toward the Van.  Ted yells to his forces.

TED
We?re out of here, dudes!

INT. VAN

As UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS, our Historical Figures jam in, excited by their victory.  They congratulate each other, open soft drinks, Cheetos, and other junk food.  Bill, Ted, Joanna and Elizabeth sit up front.  Bill starts the van.

BILL
(over shoulder)
Everybody in?

And the Van starts to move.  The van is driving away.  The King is frantically running behind, trying to grab onto it.  The van zooms through the gate it just broke through.  The King leaps at the van just as it shakes and disappears.  As the King tumbles into the moat, MUSIC BLARES triumphantly and we:

CUT TO:

EXT. SAN DIMAS - DAY

The Van appears by a mall, music still playing from inside.  Celebratory shouts can also be heard from within as it races down the street, suddenly pulling over and screeching to a halt in front of Wendy's restaurant where, sitting outside eating burgers are Napoleon, Socrates, and Billy the Kid ? all with Deacon.  They react as they see Bill and Ted jump out of the van and rush toward them.

TED
Deacon!  You got ?em!

BILL
Way to go, dude!

Deacon shrugs, smiles, as Bill and Ted lead the three Historical Figures into the jam-packed van.  Bill starts it up.

BILL
Now our report is complete!

TED
To school, William!

BILL
To school, Theodore!

Bill floors it.  As the van pulls away, Ted leads everyone in the van in a rousing AIR GUITAR and we cut to:

INT. SAN DIMAS HIGH - HISTORY CLASSROOM

Randolf is seated at the front of the class, leading a debate between four "historical figures" ? actually Biff, Ox, Buffy and Jodie dressed as Napoleon, Caesar, Joan of Arc and George Washington, respectively.  Their homemade costumes are not particularly convincing, given what we?ve already seen.  We are near the end of Randolf?s report.  The class watches, impressed. Mr. Ryan nods and smiles.  Randolf seems more than aware that his has been the best report in the class.

RANDOLF
. . . And now, for our final concluding statement . . .
(looks at Biff)
Napoleon Bonaparte.

Biff stands.  He reads from cards in front of him.  Stiffly ? the worst French accent we?ve ever heard:

BIFF
?My brilliant and daring military strategies and my innovative
ideas about government and the power of the state combine
to make me one of the most influential figures in Western history.?

Biff glances up and looks to Randolf, who smiles. Mr. Ryan nods, pleased.

RANDOLF
This concludes our debate between Napoleon Bonaparte,
Joan of Arc, Julius Caesar, and George Washington.  Thank you.

The class applauds, impressed.  

CLOSE ON ROLL BOOK

Mr. Ryan writes an "A" next to Randolf?s name.  Bill and Ted?s names have been completely crossed off.

Randolf and his group get up and head back to their seats.

 

MR. RYAN
Very good report, Randolf.  Good work, class.

He looks up at the clock, then over at the two empty desks where Bill and Ted used to sit.

MR. RYAN
And . . . since we are short one report . . .
I?ll let you all go early today.

Pleased murmuring from the students who stand and begin collecting their books.

Suddenly there is the sound of ? a huge CRASH outside: tires screeching, trash cans tumbling, music playing . . . then the music stops and the engine is turned off. Students look around.  Ryan looks toward the door, where Bill bolts in, out of breath.  He collects himself and faces Mr. Ryan.  Nervous giggles and whispering as the students slowly sit back down again, curious.

BILL
Mr. Ryan, we are ready with our report.

RYAN
Bill . . . I think you should go see Mr. Rowe.

BILL
(emphatic)
Mr. Ryan ? we have our report.

Ryan sighs.

RYAN
Okay, Bill . . . Where is it?

Bill clears his throat and gestures grandly toward the door.

BILL
My distinguished colleague, Ted ?Theodore?
Williams Esquire, will now bring in our report.

Beat.  Nothing happens.  People begin to giggle.  Mr. Ryan shakes his head.  Randolf and Biff smirk.

RANDOLF
Are these guys pathetic or what?

BILL
(yells)
Ted!

Another beat. Finally Ted enters regally, with Elizabeth and Joanna on each arm.  He strolls to Bill, who takes the Princesses on his arm.  Ted walks back to the door and opens it.

TED
Ladies and gentleman of History, please
come in, single file, in chronological order.

Utter SILENCE as our historical figures file in, single file, forming a line at the front of the class.  All are dressed as they were when they were removed from their respective time periods.  They wait, attentively.  Every jaw in the class, including Mr. Ryan?s, drops.  Bill and Ted escort Joanna and Elizabeth to their proper places in line, then walk to the center of the room.

BILL
Ted ? our first speaker, please.

Ted nods to Bill, then steps forward.

TED
We begin our report with the Cave Man.

Ted motions to Og, who steps out of line and wanders toward them, sniffing and grunting.

TED
This is Og.  He is a Cave Man.  We put out his fire.

Ted pulls something from his pocket.

TED
This is his digging tool.  It is a bone.
(to Og)
Thank you, Og.

Og shuffles back into line.

ANGLE ON THE CLASS

still frozen.  Mr. Rowe has now entered and stands in the back, watching.  Bill steps forward.

BILL
Next we have the bodacious philosophizer
from ancient Greece, So-crates.

As Socrates steps forward, we:

DISSOLVE TO:

THE REPORT - SERIES OF SHOTS

The following should flow together and overlap fluidly:

? A selection of Historical Figures addresses the class.  Some use the chalkboard, some are soft spoken, others gesticulate wildly and move around.  Those who can, speak English.

? In line, Napoleon tried to cut in front of Washington, but is rebuffed.  He scowls.

? The room is becoming very crowded.  Bill and Ted?s parents have arrived and watch, stunned.

? The mood among the speakers gradually becomes more and more communal.  As it goes on, it becomes more and more of a "discussion".  The speakers agree, disagree, urge each other on, interject respectfully, etc.

? Most seem to be enjoying themselves.  Some crack open Pudding Cups, Ding-Dongs, etc.

By now the room is jammed with literally hundreds of people, all of whom watch in total, awed silence.  The report is nearly over . . .

Bill steps out for an introduction

BILL
And now, the lovely Amelia Earhart.

Beat.  Everyone in line looks around.  Washington whispers something to Ted.  Ted steps out, embarrassed.

TED
We left Amelia Earhart going to the bathroom in a time void.

BILL
Bogus.
(beat)
Our last speaker is the great slugger, Babe Ruth.

Babe Ruth steps out, bat in hand.

BABE RUTH
Hi kids.  This is the swing that makes me the ?Sultan of Swat?.

He does a slow version of his swing, tips his cap, then backs into line.  Bill and Ted step out.

TED
Thank you, Babe Ruth. Thank you distinguished
speakers.  And thank you class.  This concludes our history report.

Silence.  The BELL RINGS.  No one moves.

BILL
We must leave now to deposit these people
to their rightful places in history.  Thank you.

Bill extends his arm to Joanna.  Then Bill, with Joanna and Ted with Elizabeth, proudly lead the line of Historical Figures out of the classroom.  They pass Randolf, Bill, Buffy and Jodie, Mr, Ryan, Mrs. Ward, Mr. Rowe, and finally, their parents.  Ted winks at his awestruck father.  As the last of the line funnels out the door, we HOLD on the packed classroom.  Everyone stays completely motionless and utterly silent.  Randolf and Biff are the first to break the ice.  Slowly, they turn to each other, glaring ? furious.

CLOSE ON GRADE BOOK

Mr. Ryan slowly scrawls a large, broad "A" over the entire book, continuing it off the page and onto the desk.

CLASSROOM

HOLD on the total, awesome SILENCE, and cut to:


Continue . . .


 

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BILL & TED characters are trademarks of Nelson 1991 Inc. The motion picture BILL & TED'S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE ? 1989 Nelson Films Inc. All Rights Reserved. The motion picture BILL & TED'S BOGUS JOURNEY ? 1991 Orion Pictures Corporation. All Rights Reserved.