Page 4

The van goes back to San Dimas, lands and bounces the executioner off, leaving him in the middle of a busy street.  He gets up and waves his axe around as a patrol car pulls up.

INT. VAN - DRIVING IN SAN DIMAS

A slow, lugubrious ballad plays on the stereo.  Ted is morose.  Socrates eyes him sympathetically.

BILL
Ted.  There are more babes in history.

TED
There is no other Joanna.  I will never love again.

BILL
Ted, she?s been dead for five hundred years. By the time
you?re old enough to marry her, she will be a nine-hundred
year old rotting skeleton.

TED
Then I will kill myself and we will be rotting skeletons together.

Ted sighs.  Bill puts his hand on Ted?s shoulder.

BILL
Ted, I?m afraid affairs of the heart must wait.
We have to check in at our history class.  But first ?

EXT. KINGWORLD MINIATURE GOLF COURSE - DAY

Bill stands at the first hole explaining the game to Socrates and Billy the Kid, who are still dressed as they were in their own time.

BILL
Okay, this is miniature golf.  While we tell Mr. Ryan of the
progress of our report, you can enjoy a game.

Billy the Kid and Socrates hold their clubs awkwardly, studying them.

BILL
Okay.  Now the object of the game is to take this thing ?
(the club)
and hit this thing ?
(the ball)
into those things.
(the holes)
Be careful of the dragon?s teeth and don?t hit the
windmill when the sticks come around.

Bill turns to the Van, where Ted has been sitting, dejected.

BILL
(to Ted)
Anything else?

TED
. . . Nineteenth hole.

BILL
Oh, yeah.  On the nineteenth hole, they say you can get a
free game if you hit it in, but don?t do it.  Take the ball instead.

Bill turns and heads back toward the Van.

BILL
We will be back for you as soon as we can.

He stops, turns to Socrates.

BILL
So-crates ? you should keep score.
(to both)
Later.

Bill climbs into the van.

TED
Bill, why can?t we go back now?

BILL
Because we have to go to school, Ted. We
don?t even know how much we missed this time.

Ted is still miserable.  Bill sighs.

BILL
Then
maybe we can go back.  Okay?

Bill tries to cheer Ted with an AIR GUITAR. After a beat, Ted smiles and joins him, half-heartedly.

EXT. SAN DIMAS STREET

The Van pulls away from KingWorld.

BILL (V.O.)
Okay. Now we have So-crates and Billy the Kid
playing miniature golf and Napoleon is with Deacon.
To school please, Rufus.

The Van rounds a corner and is gone. HOLD for a beat, then Napoleon appears, rounding the corner the other way, alone, muttering to himself.  He shuffles past the miniature golf place, glances at it and continues down the street.  He is tired, dusty, and unshaven.  As he trudges on, we cut to:

EXT. SAN DIMAS HIGH SCHOOL PARKING LOT - DAY

The Van swerves in and screeches to a halt.  Bill and Ted jump out.

BILL
Back in a minute, Rufus.

EXT. HALLWAY

As Bill and Ted rush to the door of their history class, the BELL RINGS, and people begin to file into the halls.  They pass Randolf, who smirks at them.

RANDOLF
Have a good report tomorrow.

TED
Tomorrow?!

BILL
(quickly)

We sure will, dude.

Bill and Ted rush inside the classroom.  Mr. Ryan is just preparing to leave as Bill and Ted run in and stand before him, breathless.

TED
Excuse us, Mr. Ryan

RYAN
(not even looking at them)

Do you two realize you?ve missed two days of class?

BILL
We?ve been busy with our report, Mr. Ryan.

RYAN
Uh huh.  Well, do you have anything you can show me?

BILL
Not here.  But we have things at KingWorld
mini golf and at, possibly, Gremlins.

TED
? which is excellent, by the way.

BILL
(to Ted)

? the microwave ? !

TED
(to Bill)

? when that gremlin explodes ?

AIR GUITAR, interrupted by Mr. Ryan.

RYAN
You boys are in very big trouble, you know that?

TED
Mr. Ryan, believe us, we have
been working on our report.

RYAN
(sighs)

Give me one reason why I should believe you.

TED
Ask Napoleon!

INT. PRINCIPAL?S OFFICE

Ryan stands behind the principal, Mr. Rowe.

TED
See, Mr. Rowe, we have been going back in history.

ROWE
Have you?

BILL
Ted, let me explain.
(calmly)
Mr. Rowe, sir, we have been collecting
people to talk for our history report.

TED
Like, for instance, Napoleon who is
right now with my brother Deacon.

Rowe glances at Ryan, then back at the boys.

ROWE
Uh huh . . .

INT. SCHOOL PSYCHIATRIST?S OFFICE

Mr. Ryan, Mr. Rowe, Mr. and Mrs. Williams (very fat) and Mr. Smith and Missy stand behind the school psychiatrist, MRS. WARD.

BILL
(fast)

See, Ted warned himself not to eat those HoHos,
but when he did and got sick we had to pull over in France
so he could barf and that?s where we got Napoleon.

TED
(faster)

And then we got So-crates and Billy the Kid on our second trip.

The adults are horrified as the story gets crazier and crazier.

BILL
? but we had to leave Joanna and Elizabeth ?

TED
? and they?re gonna lose their heads ?

BILL
? so we gotta go back and get ?em ?

TED
? and that?s all there is to it.

BILL
Right.

Long silence.  Adults look at each other, very concerned.  Finally Mrs. Ward speaks:

MRS. WARD
And, uh . . . how exactly do you boys do your . . . ?traveling??

BILL
Oh, that?s easy.

TED
This dude we met, Rufus, has this outstanding van.

Another pause.  The adults huddle.  Mrs. Ward speaks in a low voice.  Then Mr. Rowe and Mr. Williams leave the room.

WARD
Would you boys wait outside, please?

INT. WAITING ROOM

Bill and Ted sit, facing an uninterested SECRETARY.

SECRETARY
(condescending)

And what did you boys do?

TED
We time traveled back through history.

SECRETARY
(back to work)

Uh huh.

Pause.

BILL
Ted.  I think they think we?re crazy.

Just then, Ted nudges Bill and points out the window where several policemen, led by Officer Williams, are leading Rufus away from his van, in cuffs.  Mr. Rowe watches, nearby.

TED
What do we do now, Bill?

BILL
We have to save him.

TED
How?

BILL
By proving we?re not crazy.

TED
How?

BILL
By getting back our historical figures.

TED
How?

BILL
We have to use the van.

TED
How?

BILL
We have to get out of here first.

They turn to the Secretary.

TED
We are going to get So-crates, Billy the
Kid, and Napoleon. We?ll be right back.

SECRETARY
(oblivious)

Okay.

Bill and Ted bolt out the door.  After a moment, Mrs. Ward?s door opens.

WARD
Bill?  Ted?

PARKING LOT

Bill and Ted sneak to the van and get in.  In the b.g., we see the adults running toward them.  Bill takes the driver?s seat, looks down at the dashboard which we see for the first time.  It is very complicated.

TED
You know what you?re doing?

BILL
No.  Let?s go.

Bill tries to start the van, fails.  The adults get closer.  He tries again.  It stutters, starts, and the Van screeches backward, passing the adults, who all turn and run to their cars.

EXT. KINGWORLD MINIATURE GOLF

The Van screeches to a halt and the door swing open.  Bill and Ted dart out, running to Deacon and his friends, who are sitting in front of the golf course.

TED
Deacon ? where?s Napoleon?

DEACON
I dunno.

BILL
What?

BOBBY
We ditched him yesterday.

TED
You what???

DEACON
He was a dick.

TED
You can?t just ditch Napoleon!

BILL
(looking around)

Well then where?s So-crates and Billy the Kid?

DEACON
The cowboy and the guy in the sheet?

TED
Yeah!

DEACON
I think they left.

TED
(grabbing him)

Where?

DEACON
I dunno!

BOBBY
I think they went to get some frozen yogurt or something.

BILL
Where?!

The little boys shrug and we hear cars approaching.

BILL
Ted, we gotta go.

TED
Where, dude?

BILL
We gotta go back into history.

TED
Without Rufus?

BILL
We have to try.  We don?t have Napoleon, we
don?t have So-crates, we don?t have Billy the Kid ?

 TED
? We don?t have the babes.

BILL
Right.

Cars head toward the lot.

BILL
Let?s go.

Ted turns back to Deacon, lifts him.

TED
You better find those guys before we get back or I?ll kill you.

He drops him, dashes to the van as the adults? cars rip into the lot, chasing after the van which roars out into the street.  The Van rounds a corner, followed closely by the adults? cars.

TED (V.O.)
Step on it, Bill!

And the Van accelerates, turns another corner, out of view of the adults, and, just as the pursuing cars are about to turn the corner as well the Van blurs and disappears.  The adults? cars turn the corner and continue on.

INT. VAN - TIME TRAVELING

TED
You did it, dude!  Hey ? be careful!

BILL
Ted, I?ve never driven through a
time-void before.  Would you like to try it?

TED
I?ve never even driven in San Dimas.

BILL
Then just shut up and tell me where I?m supposed to go.

TED
To Tudor England.

BILL
All right, then.  Here goes.

Bill floors it.  In the void, the Van accelerates through the darkness.

TED (V.O.)
Hey, this is just like Time Bandits.

BILL (V.O.)
Only those were midgets.

TED (V.O.)
Not midgets, Bill.  Little people.

And as the Van disappears into the darkness, we cut to:


Continue . . .


 

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BILL & TED characters are trademarks of Nelson 1991 Inc. The motion picture BILL & TED'S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE ? 1989 Nelson Films Inc. All Rights Reserved. The motion picture BILL & TED'S BOGUS JOURNEY ? 1991 Orion Pictures Corporation. All Rights Reserved.