They get in the van and get ready to go.  Bill and Ted wonder how Napoleon is doing with Deacon.

Cut to bowling alley.  Deacon and Napoleon are playing with Bobby and Jeff.  The boys make fun of Napoleon as he bowls.  They boys sneak out of the bowling alley.

BOBBY
Your brother?ll kill you!

DEACON
I don?t care.  Napoleon?s a dick.

Confrontation with the bowling manager the same, except the bowling manager throws the blonde wig out after Napoleon.

Bill and Ted arrive at the castle, the same Tudor castle they visited briefly at the start of the time traveling.  Bill and Ted are excited . . . this is their last stop and they know this is where the babes are.

Ext. Castle - Two young noblemen are moving toward the castle gates.  We HEAR a "PSSST" from the nearby trees.  The two young noblemen stop, turn, and go examine this.  Then we HEAR a THUD, and we cut to:

SAME - MOMENTS LATER

And Bill and Ted step out of the trees wearing the two young noblemen?s garbs, their boxers coming out the backs of the pantaloons.  They step onto the path and begin walking toward the castle.  At the gate, they get in line, second and third behind a DUKE of some sort.

GUARD
(announcing)
The Duke of Westphalia!

And the Duke enters the castle, leaving Bill and Ted to step up to the GUARD, who stares at them.  There is a pause.

BILL
How?s it goin??  We are guests of the
King.  I am the Earl of Smith.

TED
And I am the Duke of Ted.

The Guard eyes them dubiously, then turns toward the courtyard.

GUARD
(announcing)

The Earl of Smith.  The Duke of Ted.

Ext. Courtyard - Scattered pockets of PARTYGOERS adorn the courtyard, which is lavishly decorated with plants and flowers and an elegant, well-stocked buffet table.  Seated on a slightly elevated deck at the other end of the courtyard are the KING and QUEEN, and their two daughters ? the two beautiful young princesses we saw earlier ? JOANNA and ELIZABETH.

ANGLE ON BILL AND TED who are now entering the courtyard, quite impressed with the party they are crashing.  As they enter, the scattered chatting stops, and all the attention turns toward them, including the attention of Joanne and Elizabeth, who nudge each other, recognizing them as the two they saw the other day.  Bill and Ted stop, realizing that everyone has fallen silent and is looking at them.  Beat.

TED
How?s it goin??

BILL
Party on, dudes.

On the floor, the party gradually gets back to normal as the partygoers go back to their own affairs.  Bill and Ted weave their way through the crowd, heading toward the buffet table, all the while staring at the two young Princesses, who glace at them and smile.

TED
Dude.  Those are two of the most
beautiful babes I have ever seen.

BILL
Remember Ted, this is strictly a business trip.

TED
(nevertheless enamored)

I know, I know ?

And, not watching where they?re going, Bill and Ted bump right into two HUGE FAT MEN who turn abruptly and glare at them.

TED
(quickly)

Whoa ? ugly dudes.
(to them)
So . . . you own land or what?

Bill starts to pull Ted away as The King stands and faces the crowd, a courtier behind him ringing a bell.  He clears his throat.  Everyone is silent and facing the King, who smiles, then addresses the crowd.

KING
As you know, today is a very special day.  Would the Dukes
of Northumberland and East Anglia please join me over here.

The two Huge Fat Men (whom Ted bumped into a moment ago) proudly make their way through the crowd to the platform.

KING
The purpose of this special occasion, it may now be known,
is to announce my acceptance of the offers of engagement to
my two daughters, Joanna and Elizabeth ?

Joanne and Elizabeth, caught by total surprise, are horrified when they hear:

KING
? to these two fine Dukes!

The crowd applauds politely, but Bill and Ted are not so pleased.

BILL / TED
Bogus!

ANOTHER ANGLE - The Dukes approach the mortified Princesses as the King motions to a BAND of MUSCIANS.

KING
And now, for the first dance of the evening, my
daughters will dance with their future husbands.

And the crowd continues to applaud as everyone backs off the floor, making room for the repulsive Dukes, who lead the Princesses down the steps, passing right by Bill and Ted.  The girls look at Bill and Ted, desperately, as they pass.

MUSIC PLAYS and the dance begins.

TED
(to Bill)

We have to do something.

Bill nods, and he and Ted begin to weave their way out onto the dance floor where they approach the two couples.  The crowd is shocked as Bill and Ted tap the Dukes on the shoulders.

BILL
Excuse us, Duke-dudes.

TED
Mind if we cut in?

The girls are pleasantly surprised but the Dukes, outraged, look up at the King who is stunned by this effrontery.  He gestures to his HENCHMEN, and points down to the dance floor where Bill is now dancing with Joanna and Ted with Elizabeth (note, they switch the girls around later in the script).  Bill and Ted, of course, have no clue how to dance.  As the Henchmen are now approaching them from the King?s platform, there is very little time for the following:

JOANNA
You?re the ones we say in the garden, aren?t you?

TED
Yah.

ELIZABETH
Why are you here?

BILL
It?s a long story.

TED
But mostly we?ve come to rescue you.

JOANNA
(happily)

You have?

BILL
Yah, I guess so.

The Henchmen approach.

BILL
But Ted ? how are we gonna do it?

TED
I dunno ? but we?re gonna.

The Henchmen get closer.  The four separate.

ELIZABETH
Meet us in our chambers at nine.

BILL
We?re there, babes.

TED
Catch ya later.

And, as the Henchmen make a grab for Bill and Ted, they dart under the buffet table where they scurry under the length of it, arriving at the end and continuing, crawling under TWO OLD STUFFY LADIES? dresses.  The ladies yelp, and Bill and Ted scoot on all fours past the legs of guests, causing havoc as they crawl toward a door which they manage to slither through undetected.  Bill and Ted get up and bound off, into the castle somewhere.

BILL
Way to go, dude!  We got dates!

TED
Excellent!

AIR GUITAR. And as their voices trail off as they pound away we dissolve to:

The scene of them in armor starts the same, then:

BILL?S VOICE
(echoing)

Ted.

TED?S VOICE
(same)

What?

BILL
I feel like the dude in the Wizard of Oz.

TED
The straw dude?

BILL
No, not that dude.  ?If I only had a heart . . . ?

The scenes continues with them fighting as the Star Wars characters.  Plays out same except two guards plunge their swords into the suit.

Scene of Bill over Ted the same except after "Don?t be dead, dude" . . .

BILL
S?long, Ted.
(overcome)
I . . . love you, dude.
(quickly, to himself)
Fag.

Bill calls henchman a medieval dick.  Ted hits the henchmen with a lance, not a bone.  The fag line when they hug each other stays the same.

ANOTHER HALLWAY

Bill and Ted knock on a DOOR.  It opens, REVEALING Elizabeth and Joanna, happy to see them.

TED
We have come to rescue you!

ELIZABETH
We thought you were dead.

BILL
Us, dead?

TED
(a la a swashbuckler)

Ah ha ha ha ha ha!

JOANNA
Shhh!  We have to hurry.  This way.

INT. PRINCESS? CHAMBERS

The girls lead Bill and Ted toward the window, where they toss a makeshift ladder through the window and over the wall.

EXT. CASTLE - NIGHT

The four climb down the castle wall and land on the ground, where they see twenty henchmen surrounding them, swords drawn.  Beat.

TED
How?s it goin??

CUT TO:

EXT. COURTYARD - THE NEXT DAY

Bill and Ted, in chains and their 1984 clothes, stand before the King.  The Princesses are there, near tears.  The Dukes flank the King.  Members of the kingdom are also present.

KING
(to everyone)

Today, these two demons will be killed.

He looks at his daughters, sadly.

KING
Tomorrow, my daughters, who have
consorted with them, will be killed.

Murmurs from the crowd. Girls bite their lips, fight tears.

KING
(to Bill and Ted)

Demons.  Have you any final words?

BILL
Yah, we do.
(thinks)
Joanna and Elizabeth do not want to
marry these two old fat dudes.

TED
They don?t love them.

BILL
Yah.

TED
And love is, is . . . eternal.  Otherwise, you end
up getting divorced, like Bill?s parents.

BILL
Shut up, Ted.

TED
Although Bill?s new mom is pretty cute.

BILL
Shut up, Ted.

TED
But she makes really bad grilled cheese sandwiches.

BILL
At least my mom isn?t fat.

TED
It?s a glandular problem.

BILL
Yah, she has fat glands . . .

KING
(fed up)

Torture them!

The Iron Maiden jokes comes here.

The execution scene proceeds the same, except the van comes screeching into the scene at the last second.  Socrates and Billy the Kid get Bill and Ted into the van and it takes off with the executioner hanging onto the back.  As the van drives away:

Ted cranes his head out the window of the accelerating van ?

TED
Elizabeth!  Joanna!  We?ll be back!

Bill pulls Ted back inside ?

BILL
Get in, buddy!

And the van disappears.


Continue . . .