BILL AND TED GO TO HELL

REVISED DRAFT

3/2/90

The following are excerpts and annotations outlining the differences between the original script, this draft and the final movie.

The movie starts out essentially the same, with Bill & Ted University (established 2425 A.D.)

PASSING "Logan Hall of Law," otherwise same as last script.

Coffee House scene to stairwell same but tunnel instead of basement.

A DANK UNDERGROUND TUNNEL

FURTHER DOWN THE TUNNEL

Their hurried footsteps are joined by OTHER RUSHING FOOTSTEPS as SEVERAL MORE SERIOUS TYPES join them from various directions.

These are the REBELS.

The first student nods, then opens a heavy door and the seven or eight of them step into:

A DARK, CAVERNOUS ROOM

Which is completely empty, except for the thousands and thousands of stark black metal chairs which are lines up, row by seemingly-endless row, ad infinitum.

The just-entering Students glance around, nervous.  Suddenly, they hear a THROAT CLEAR and they fall silent.

BEHIND THEM - IN THE FRONT OF THIS "AUDITORIUM"

A long-haired, ultra-serious man with a pony tail - - the REBEL LEADER - - is descending the row of black steps which lead down from a dark, angular platform.

LEADER
It is time. They have reached the second crucial
turning point in their destiny.  The First Annual
"Southern California . . . (profoundly)
. . . Battle of the Bands."  Their "music is about
to reach millions . . . billions.

Some mumbling.

LEADER
Look before you.

The Leader grandly indicates the dark, expansive, empty room.

LEADER
If our mission is successful, the course of history
will be shifted, and this room will be filled.  Filled with
those who think like us.  People who don?t find
everything either "excellent" or "bogus."
People who don?t do this.  (AIR GUITAR)
People who question . . . like us. And like . . . him.

The Leader gestures up toward the platform.  Behind a silhouetted large-backed chair a faint light glows . . .

LEADER
No longer will our world be dominated
by the legacy of these two . . . (spitting)
. . . fools.

OTHERS
(murmuring)
Idiots.  Morons.  Cretins.

LEADER
We must stop them now.
(then)
Colleagues . . . are we ready?

Rest of scene and introduction of robots same as in last script until:

The Leader bows to the platform.

LEADER
(calling)
We are ready, Great One.

The Shadowy, back-lit high-backed chair swings slowly around . . .

The Rebels straighten and remain erect as . . .

THE GREAT ONE - - still seen only in SILHOUETTE - - rises to his feet in front of the fanning arc of the back of the chair and speaks.

GREAT ONE
(soft voice amplified through a microphone)
Be excellent to yourself.

REBELS
(led by Leader)
Trust no one.

The Rebels salute.  The Great One returns the salute, and in so doing, steps away from the high-backed chair . . .

. . . revealing, STILL IN SILHOUETTE, his disproportionately huge, round, womanly BUTT.

No one, of course, says anything about this ????? nd very obvious embarrassment . . .

. . . except for Evil Bill and Ted, who gape, suddenly thrilled.

EVIL TED
Whoa!!

EVIL BILL
Nice butt, dude!

A sudden, odd, uncomfortable moment.  Eyes dart worriedly.  The Great One tightens . . . then, barely controlling himself, raises his arm.

GREAT ONE
Go!

And, in the ensuing flurry of activity, during which Bill and Ted continue to gape at the Great One?s rear and the rebels raise their weapons, we CUT TO:

Scene in classroom the same except:

The Rebel Leader then hands a dark, leather-bound BOOK to Ted and a small RING to Evil Bill.

LEADER
In case of emergencies, you
know how to use these.

EVIL BILL
You got it, dude.

Opening scene at the Battle of the Bands is the same as movie and last script, except:

BILL / TED / JOANNA / ELIZABETH
. . . Wyld Stallyns!

Bill looks over at Ted, nods.

BILL
(sotto)
Hit the mascot, dude.

And with this Ted steps on a button and suddenly, from out of a crate ?

THE WYLD STALLYN "MASCOT"

? a 2 foot high papier mache HORSE (like a pinata horse on tiny wheels) and its DEMONIC RIDER (actually a G.I. Joe modified with red marble-eyes and coat hanger horns) ?

Rolls down a little ramp and onto the stage, where it immediately begins to spin in helpless little circles around Bill and Ted?s feet.

As the guys look at each other and swallow - -

The mascot vibrates for a moment and then, rearing much too violently, flings itself backwards off the stage, where it crumbles to bits in the orchestra pit.

Beat.  Silence.

Rest the same.

Party scene the same, except:

Missy and Captain Logan pull apart for a second.  Then immediately start kissing again.

TED
(shaking his head)
I can?t believe they?re going for it
right front of your dad?s photo . . .

Bill and Ted glance at a nearby framed NEWSPAPER ARTICLE and PHOTO of MR. PRESTON.  In it Mr. Preston is bound, gagged, and blindfolded, with the headline reading: "San Dimas Man Inexplicably Held Captive in Beirut."

BILL
(re Mr. Preston)
Bad place for a vacation.

TED
(trying to cheer him up)
At least he died a patriot, Bill.

BILL
He?s not dead, Ted.

TED
(nods)
Well, he?ll die a patriot.

BILL
Shut up, Ted.

TED
We all will, dude.

BILL
Shut up, Ted.

Missy removes a book from a bag, shows it to the guys.

Proposal scene the same.

Everything pretty much the same as in last script and film until:

Suddenly, silently, the Grim Reaper lays a boney hand on each of the guys? shoulders, causing Bill and Ted to whip around, wide-eyed.

BILL / TED
Whoa.

BILL
You need a tan, dude.

TED
Bill, who is it?

Spooking truck driver same as in last script.

Scene with evil robots and girls the same except the word bitches has been omitted.

Scene at the police station the same.

Seance the same except:

BILL?S VOICE
(heavily)
Look in the desert,
you?ll find the bodies.

And very end, line changed to:

MISSY
(turning to Woman #2)
Well, I guess it worked.
I wonder where I sent them . . .

Falling into hell the same.

Mine car ride still in this script.

Chain gang still in this script.

BILL AND TED
Non non non-triumphant.

Fears scenes the same as in last script except:

TED
It?s Colonel Oates - - from
the Alaskan Military School.

BILL
The one your dad was
gonna send you to?

Then:

BILL
(NODS)
We gotta get out of here, dude.

Ted nods, and, in an instant, they both jump to their feet, push past Colonel Oats, stepping on the backside of each of Oat?s boots - -

BILL
Flat tires, dude!

OATS
Get back here!

Bill as child in Hell:

REVERSE SHOT - IN RELICK-FILLED GRANDMOTHERY ROOM

Behind 80 Birthday candles a TINY OLD LADY, surrounded by RELATIVES of all sorts, looks up.

Hallway same as in last script.

Battleship same as in last script, they still play for other people.

Operation has been removed.

We CATCH a glimpse of some NAMES: "Smart guys needed: Einstein . . . Leonardo Da Vinci . . . " Plus a few others.

GRIM REAPER
Damn right!
(Instead of just Yes!)

Flick football removed.

Tetherball removed.

Slowly, he looks up at the guys, exhales, reaches into his robe and extends another pass.  Bill nods sympathetically.

BILL
That?s all, dude.
I think we?ve got enough.

Ted nods, then reaches down and helps the Grim Reaper to his feet.

Heaven scenes the same.

Escalator instead of elevator but door still opens??

BILL
(in a "wise" voice)
How is it going?  I am William the Wyld.

TED
And I am Ted the Stallyn.

The Gatekeeper looks at the Grim Reaper.

BILL
And this is our girlfriend . . . Deathina.

Grim Reaper repeats "Every rose has its thorn" instead of quoting My Way.

They still check the phone book for God.

re: Dallas

TED
It was?  I just saw it on channel nine.
(Instead of 13)

Heaven scene is different in that there are no canals.  Instead:

THE MOST BEAUTIFUL, PASTORAL PARK IMAGINABLE

Fountains.  Flowers.  Beautifully tended lawns under a brilliant blue sky.  People from all periods of time (ancient to modern) play, relax, laugh, walk, etc. . .  Everyone is dressed in costumes from his or her own period.

Bill, Ted, and the Grim Reaper walk INTO FRAME.  Bill looks down to the map.

BILL
Well, this is the place.  Now alls we gotta do
is find the most brilliant scientists who
ever lived and invite ?em back.

TED
(points)
Bill.  Check it out.

And Bill looks across the way, where . . .

AT A STONE TABLE UNDER A SHADY TREE

ALBERT EINSTEIN sits, playing chess opposite a grey-haired MAN (whom we see only from behind).

He looks up as Bill, Ted, and the Grim Reaper approach him.

BILL?S VOICE
Excuse us, Albert Einstein.  I?m Bill,
this is Ted, and this is Death.

EINSTEIN
(re Grim Reaper)
We?ve met.

They exchange nods.

BILL
First off, my friend Ted and I found
your theory of relativity most informative.

TED
(nods)
By the way, not only is time travel possible,
but it is also a most enjoyable experience.

BILL
Speaking of which, Albert Einstein, we are
prepared to offer you an opportunity to
return to earth.

TED
Alls you gotta do is help us design
something to fight a couple of evil robots
who have been sent from the future to kill us.

Einstein looks at the guys, shakes his head.

EINSTEIN
Thank you, but I?ve been to earth
already, and I much prefer it here.
(then)
Excuse me.

And, as Einstein begins to contemplate his next chess move, Bill and Ted look at each other, shrug.

BILL
Maybe we should try somebody else.

TED
(nods, spotting someone way across the lawn)
Who?s that?

GRIM REAPER
(looking)
That?s Leonardo Da Vinci.

BILL
Maybe we can bag him.

As they take off OUT OF FRAME, we HOLD on the chess game.  Einstein makes a move.

EINSTEIN
Checkmate, Moses.

NEW ANGLE

The man Einstein?s playing with, MOSES, is not pleased.  He turns, raises his hands, and - -

A NEARBY POND

Parts, and the chess pieces fly off the board and into the now-closing water and we CUT TO:

LEONARDO DA VINCI - SITTING UNDER A TREE

And shaking his head.

LEONARDO DA VINCI
(Italian accent)
I?m sorry, I have no wish to go back.

Bill and Ted look at each other, swallow, and we CUT TO:

BENJAMIN FRANKLIN - FISHING BY A STREAM

Also shaking his head.

BENJAMIN FRANKLIN
Sorry.  I?ve been there.

And - -

ARISTOTLE - IN A FLOWER GARDEN

Also shaking his head, then turning bck to several LEARNED FRIENDS - - ONE OF WHOM, we notice, is hiding his face and has quickly started to back away.

The guys notice this - - and react, excited:

BILL / TED
So-crates!!

TED
You?ll come with us, won?t you, dude?

Socrates, not uttering a word, turns and high-tails it away.

Bill and Ted look at each other, stunned.

BILL
Dude, nobody wants to go back.
Everybody?s been to Earth.

TED
(nods)
What we need is somebody
who hasn?t been there.

Long beat.  Then:

BILL
Ted! That?s it! We?ll get someone
who hasn?t been there!
(then)
Dude.  This isn?t just heaven for earth,
it?s heaven for the whole universe!

TED
Whoa!  Yah!

The guys share an excited grin, and we CUT TO:

Continue . . .