Every Rose Has Its Thorn

Written by:

BILL & TED characters are trademarks of Nelson 1991 Inc. The motion picture BILL & TED'S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE & © 1989 Nelson Films Inc. All Rights Reserved. The motion picture BILL & TED'S BOGUS JOURNEY © 1991 Orion Pictures Corporation. All Rights Reserved.

Feel free to share these stories with your friends, but please don't repost on the web without asking the author's permission first. Thanks!!

Part One

Ted walked to his front door with Elizabeth.

He had thought since he had met her non-non-heinous dad, she might like to meet his.

"Does he look like you?" Elizabeth asked.

"No way, Babe," He answered as serious as he could.

Elizabeth giggled, "Well, there must be something that?s like you?"

Ted shook his head and opened the door.

As he and Elizabeth walked inside, he saw his dad and Deacon sitting on the couch watching something on the TV.

"Dad, what are you watching?" Ted asked as he realized how familiar whatever they were watching sounded.

"Just an old video," Captain Logan responded.

"Okay, well, this is Elizabeth." Ted introduced.

Captain Logan turned to them, "Hello?." He paused, "Elizabeth,"

"Hello," she greeted.

"You guys should watch this with us." Deacon said.

Ted looked at Elizabeth for an answer.

"Okay," She said.

They sat down next to Deacon, as they watched a video from twelve years before of Captain Logan trying to teach Deacon to talk.


"Can you say ?dada??" He asked.

Deacon stared back blankly.

"Can you say ?mama??" He asked and got the same response.

"C?mon, Deacon, just try to say something, son!"

"Chet, he?s three months old.  He?s not three years old." Mrs. Logan said.

Captain Logan sighed and watched Deacon for a moment.

"Mom!" A six year-old Ted yelled as he ran down the hall, tripped, and fell on the floor.

Mrs. Logan handed the camera to Captain Logan, and walked to her son to help him up.

Before she could help him up, a brunette six year-old girl ran down the hall holding a tube of lipstick, obviously chasing after him.


Ted had hoped this wasn?t what they were watching.


He got up quickly, hoping to make a run for it before his cousin attacked him with cosmetics.

"Theodore Logan!  What in the-"

"Chet, watch your language in front of the baby." Mrs. Logan said, "Ted, Honey, what?s going on?" She asked as she stopped him from running.

"I?m giving him a makeover." The girl said.


Deacon laughed loudly.

Ted blushed with embarrassment.


Captain Logan moved the camera to see Ted?s face, which was already covered in makeup from the girl?s attempts to put some on him.

"Kimberly?" Mrs. Logan said.

"What?" She said trying to be innocent.


Elizabeth looked at Ted and noticed him blushing. She smiled at him.

The video ended.

"That?" Deacon said, "?was awesome."

"Uh? I didn?t think so?" Ted said looking at his Dad who was asleep.

"I did," Elizabeth said with a smile.

Ted smiled and blushed.

Deacon scoffed, "Well, I?m gonna go to sleep, now." He said before leaving.

"Do you want to go back home, now?" Ted asked Elizabeth.

"Sure." She said.

They walked outside to his car.

"It?s most excellent that you have your driver?s license, now."

"Yeah, most definitely?" Ted agreed.

He started driving to her apartment, and kept quiet for a minute.

"You were quite an adorable child." She said.

"Thanks," Ted said blushing again.

"Who was that girl in the video?" She asked.

"My egregious cousin." He answered.

"Oh, she can?t be that bad." She commented.

"Yeah, she is."

"What did she do to make her ?egregious??" Elizabeth asked.

"Last time she was here, she broke all the strings on my guitar.  She picked up my guitar, just started playing it, and broke all of the strings." Ted answered.

"Bogus?" Elizabeth said.

"That was just the start of it?" Ted said.

After they arrived to her apartment, they got out of the car.

"Bye, Elizabeth."

"Bye," She smiled.

He kissed her forehead and left to his car.

She walked to the door of the building and waved before walking inside.

He drove home, and walked in the front door.

"Hey, Dad, I was-"

"Where have you been?  It?s four in the morning!"

Confused, Ted looked at the clock in the corner, "Dad, it?s only nine."

Captain Logan let out a sigh of relief, "Your cousin is coming at eight o?clock tomorrow morning."

"Which cousin?" Ted asked worried.

"Kimberly," His dad answered.


"Yes, son, I want you to stay here the whole time she?s here.  You can?t be out somewhere planning a band that?s never gonna happen, while we have company over."

"How long is she gonna be here?" He asked.

"A couple weeks?" His dad answered, "She got kicked out of her apartment and she doesn?t have a place to stay."

"Weeks?" He mumbled, "Why can?t she stay with anyone else?"

"Because we?re the only ones who said ?yes?, Ted." Captain Logan answered, "I set your alarm clock to seven.  Dress nice tomorrow."

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

The Next Morning

Since his dad had told him to dress nice, Ted looked in his closet.

He finally got an outfit together.

"Is this okay?" He asked his dad.

His dad looked at his outfit, "Uh, sure." He said before continuing to clean the house.

The doorbell rang, and Captain Logan rushed to answer it.

"Hey, Guys!" Kimberly said holding three different bags.

"Hi, Kimberly," Deacon said.

"Come on in." Captain Logan said.

She walked in and sloppily dropped her bags down on the floor.

"Ted, I need you to drive Deacon to his baseball game today."

"Oh, you play baseball, now?" Kimberly asked Deacon.


"Can I go to his game?" She asked.

"Yes, Kimberly," Captain Logan answered.

"Cool," She said, "Do you play baseball, Ted?" She asked.




"Do you play any sports?" She asked.

"Well, last year in gym class we played dodge ball."

Kimberly laughed a little bit, "I am a cheerleader."

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

Later that day

"Hey, Ted," Buffy and Jody said as they passed by the bleachers.

"How?s it going?" He asked.

"Pretty good?" Jody said, "Where?s Bill?"

"I don?t know?" He said.

"?And who is this?" Buffy asked.

"I?m Kimberly, Ted?s cousin," Kimberly answered.

"Oh, Hi," They said.

"So, who are you? Ted?s girlfriend?" Kimberly asked Jody.

"We wish?" Buffy answered sarcastically.

"I have so many memories with Ted?" She said, "Remember when I used to put makeup on you?"

Jody and Buffy laughed, "Well, It was nice seeing you again since graduation."


"Bye," They said leaving.

"How?d you get her?" Kimberly asked.


"How? You know.  How did you get her to be your girlfriend?" She asked.

"She?s not my girlfriend." Ted answered.

"Do you even have a girlfriend?"

Ted nodded.

"Does Bill have one?"


"Oh," She said obviously disappointed, "How recent is this?"


"Never mind, just? How long ago was this?"

"A few months? maybe."

"Where are we going?" Deacon asked

"The Circle K." Ted answered.  He wanted to go somewhere that Deacon and Kimberly could be distracted as he used a pay phone.

"Is Bill gonna be there?"

"I don?t know."

They arrived at the Circle K, and got out of the car.

"Deacon, Here?s some money.  Go buy something.  I have to make a most important phone call.  I?ll be right back as soon as I?m finished.


Ted walked to the pay phone and noticed Kimberly follow him.

"Who are we calling?"



"Why don?t you go with Deacon?"


"Because I have to make a very important phone call without you or Deacon."

"You don?t really seem like yourself anymore." She said before catching up with Deacon.

Ted quickly typed in Bill?s phone number.

"Preston Residence, it?s Bill?"

"Dude, I am in serious trouble?"

"What does your dad think you did, now, Ted?"

"Well, Kimberly?s here."

"No way?"

"Yes way, Dude, she?s driving me crazy."

"How long is she staying?"

"A couple weeks?" Ted answered.

"That is most odious."

"My dad won?t let me go anywhere without her."

"Well, maybe she can watch our band rehearse." Bill suggested.

"Sorry, Dude, but my dad said I can?t do that either."


"I don?t know.  I guess he thinks I would be a bad influence on her?"

"Bogus, Dude, We need to find a way to send her back home."

"Most definitely?" Ted said, "But, How are we gonna do that?"

"Don?t worry, Ted, my friend, I have a plan.  Let?s just hope it works?"

Continue to Part Two . . .