Page 2


INT. VAN - Bill, Ted and Rufus all sit in the front.  Ted holds the history checklist, reads from it.

TED
(mispronouncing everything)

Charlemagne.  So-crates.  Louis X-V-I.  The Csars.

BILL
(interrupting)

Ted ? one at a time.
(grabs the list)
Rufus, please take us to . . .
(reading off list)
?The Western Movement in America in the nineteenth century.?

RUFUS
We?re there.

TED
(to all)

And may we have a most excellent adventure!

Rufus turns the STEREO UP.

BILL
Rufus, who is this band?  They are most outstanding.

Bill and Ted do AIR GUITAR to the MUSIC.

They land near a sign that reads "Colorado Territory."  A drunken man rides by, the horse is spooked by the van and he?s thrown off.  Bill and Ted get out of the van and head toward the town.  The people look at them curiously.  They enter the saloon and order the beers.

BILL
Well, Ted, who should we take back with us?

TED
(pointing to a large Cowboy nearby)

How about that guy?  He?s a total Old-West ugly dude.

The UGLY COWBOY glares at Bill and Ted.

BILL
(to Cowboy, smiling)

How would you like to be in a history report?

TED
We already have Napoleon signed up.

COWBOY
(growling)

Where the hell are you from?

BILL
San Dimas.

TED
Home of Raging Waters, excellent water slides.

COWBOY
I?m gonna knock yer heads off.

BILL AND TED
Bogus.

Just as the cowboy is about to beat them up, Billy the Kid enters.  Instead of asking for someone to join him in a card game he asks for someone to help him rob the bank.  Bill and Ted volunteer.  They leave the saloon with Billy and head for the bank.

BILLY THE KID
You have any experience?

TED
We have a band ?

BILL
? of outlaws.  I?m Bill Wyld.

TED
I?m . . . Stallyn Ted.

BILLY THE KID
I?ve never heard of you.

BILL
You will ?

TED
? We?re totally gonna open for Iron Maiden!

They air guitar and Bill the Kid throws them against a wall and tells them he doesn?t take any crap.  He also points out their guns aren?t loaded so they should do what he says.  Inside the bank the bank is being robbed by Billy and Bill and Ted are holding their guns on the bank manager.

TED
(to Manager, quietly)

Don?t worry.  You?ll get your money back.
We?re gonna return him right after our report.

Billy motions for them to keep their mouths shut.  They leave the bank and run immediately into a posse, who orders them to hold it.  The three stand at the front of the bank as the posse closes in on them.

BILL
We?re dead, Ted.

POSSE LEADER
Got ya this time, Billy.  Now drop your guns.

TED
It?s okay, ours aren?t loaded.

POSSE LEADER
Drop ?em!

And as the Posse Leader reaches his hand out for Billy the Kid?s gun ? Billy the Kid kicks the Leader?s gun out of his hand and, while driving over a railing behind some barrels, begins firing off shots at the posse, who all dive for cover and begin firing back.  Bill and Ted take a couple of beats for this to register.  Meanwhile, bullets begin whizzing past them.

BILL
Ted.  We had better react quickly.

TED
Yah.  It would be most bogus to die a
hundred years before we were born.

BILL
Cover me, dude.

And Bill dives backward through a plate glass window. Ted quickly follows.

Int. General Store - where Bill and Ted land with a crash, shattered glass and jars and cans flying all over the place.  Bullets zip by as Bill and Ted scramble for cover behind some boxes.  They crouch behind the boxes and rise to fire.  Both fire six or seven times before they remember ?

BILL
(firing)
Dude.

TED
(firing)

What?

BILL
(firing)

Our guns aren?t loaded.

Bullets still sailing past them, they continue to shoot impotently, their guns simply "clicking" lamely.

TED
(firing)

What should we do?

BILL
(crouching)

Cover me.

And Bill, spotting a counter with a sign reading "BULLETS ? 1? EACH," scurries across the floor, diving behind the counter.

ANOTHER ANGLE

While Ted continues firing with his empty gun at the posse, Bill grabs a bucket of bullets from the counter and shimmies across the floor, diving behind the boxes where Ted is.

TED
Good goin? Bill Wyld.

BILL
Thanks Stallyn Ted.

And as Bill and Ted grab handfuls of bullets and are about to load their guns, they HEAR:

POSSE MEMBER
Drop your guns or I?ll blow your heads to Rickety Gulch.

The guys freeze, and each lets his gun drop to the floor.  They look up.  The Posse Member is standing right above them.  He smiles cruelly.

POSSE MEMBER
Now.  I wanna see you two dance.

BILL
We don?t know how, dude.

TED
Yah.  Bill flunked Cotillion.

BILL
At least I didn?t get booted like you ?

POSSE MEMBER
(interrupting)

Shut up.  Now dance.

He fires at their feet and the two leap. He fires again.  They leap again.

TED
(to Bill)

What kind of dance you wanna do?

BILL
We could break dance, but we?d get shot when we got on our backs.

The Posse member fires again.  Again, Bill and Ted hop.  The Posse Member laughs.

BILL
Wait. I got a idea.
(to Posse Member; pointing over his shoulder)
Look!  An airplane!

POSSE MEMBER
Whhhaa ? ?

He glances behind him for a split second, long enough for Bill and Ted to grab the bucket of bullets and bolt past the Posse Member, knocking him on his back, and running out ?

BILL
C?mon, dude!

Ext. Main Street - Bill and Ted dive behind a water trough.  Bullets ring off the metal as they scramble for a view.  Bill hands Ted a bunch of bullets.  Neither has a gun.

BILL
Here.  Use these.

And as Posse Members fire at them, Bill and Ted respond by hurling bullets back at them.

EXT. MAIN STREET - VARIOUS SHOTS

Bill and Ted scurry along the wooden sidewalk, continuously ducking from the spray of gunshots.  Every once in a while they pop up and chuck a bullet or two at one of the Posse Men.

And every once in a while they hit one of them: A gritty, bearded VIGILANTE will have his gun cocked when a little metal bullet will clunk him on the head like a pebble.

VIGILANTE
(after being hit, rubbing forehead)

What the . . . ?

At one point, Bill spots a POSSE MAN way up on a roof, cocks his arm, and heaves a bullet.  Beat.  Then the Man rubs his forehead, stumbles, and falls three stories to the ground.

TED
Nice shot, dude.

And Bill and Ted duck around a corner where they back right into a GUN.

VOICE
Hold it right there.

They drop their bucket of bullets, and put their hands up.  PULL BACK TO REVEAL the voice belongs to:

BILLY THE KID
Let?s go, you two.

Bill and Ted turn, relieved, and put their hands down.  Billy the Kid motions for them to follow him.

TED
Just in time, Billy the Kid, we were almost out of bullets!

And they run off after Billy the Kid.  Billy the Kid and Bill and Ted dart out from behind some barrels and dash across the dirt where all of a sudden they skid to a halt, dust kicking up around their feet.

BILLY THE KID
Aw, scuds.

Then all three drop their guns and put their hands up, and we PULL BACK TO REVEAL that ? they are totally surrounded by about FIFTY MEN with rifles and pistols, all aimed directly at them.  There is no doubt about it ? they?re goners.

The Posse Leader steps forward, pissed.  He spits a wad of tobacco on the ground, then looks at the three of them.

POSSE LEADER
Any last words?

TED
Yah.  Have any of you seen a dude with a big black van?

POSSE LEADER
A who with a what?

Bill and Ted swallow as the Posse starts to close in on them, cocking their guns and preparing to fire.

POSSE LEADER
Ready . . .

BILL
(sotto; to Ted)
If I die, you can have my Iron Maiden albums.

POSSE LEADER
Aim . . .

TED
(sotto; to Bill)

And you can have mine.

The posse all pull back on the hammers of their guns, making a loud, unanimous "click."  The Leader opens his mouth, ready to say "Fire," but his words are drowned out by ? a LOW RUMBLING SOUND which we HEAR from down the street.

Rufus arrives to rescue them.  He steps out of the van and Bill and Ted run to meet him.  Rufus asks if Bill and Ted want Billy the Kid and they say yes.  He tells Billy the Kid to get into the van and Billy, confused, complies.  He tells the posse that he?ll be back.  The van takes off and disappears.

Billy is nervous in the van.  Bill and Ted try to comfort him.

BILL
Look, I know it sounds confusing, but it really isn?t.
We?ll have you back as soon as the report?s done.

TED
Don?t worry.  You?ll figure it out.  For now, here ?
(hands him ball)
This is a Nerf football.  You can use it in the
van and nothing will get hurt.

Bill asks Rufus to take them to ?The Golden Age of Civilization. Greece.?  Ted comments that Billy has it easier than Napoleon, who is with his brother Deacon.

Cut to present day San Dimas at a movie theater where The Muppet Movie is playing.  Deacon is bored, Napoleon (wearing the blonde wig) is agitated and confused.

The van arrives in a tree covered field.  Bill and Ted get out, Billy steps out with the football.

BILL
C?mon Ted.
(to Rufus)
Rufus, please watch Billy the Kid.

TED
Yah, we?re gonna go round up some Greekniks.

Bill and Ted walk along a tree-lined path.  Bill is explaining something to Ted, referring to the history book.

BILL
. . . Remember that toga party Jeannie Oderio had?
Well, they dress like that all the time here.

TED
Outstanding.

Bill and Ted enter a clearing, where they see a group of five or six YOUNG MEN, all seated around one OLDER MAN.  The Older Man is short and rotund, and appears to be holding court.

BILL
Hey ? there?s some dudes over there.

They stop behind a tree and observe the group, who all speak in Greek.  The name "Socrates" is used to address the Older Man.

BILL
Socrates?  Hey ? we know that name.

TED
Yeah, look him up.
(helpfully)
It?s under So-crates.

BILL
I know that, Ted.  I?m not stupid.

Bill finds the right passage in the book, reads from it.

BILL
? . . . the only true wisdom consists in knowing that you know nothing.?

TED
Whoa, smart dude.

BILL
Yeah, he?s a good one.

TED
Let?s bag him.

They go up to the class and Socrates dismisses the class.  Bill and Ted walk along with Socrates with Rufus and Billy the Kid following, tossing the Nerf football.

BILL
. . . So, basically, what I?m saying is ?all we are is dust in the wind.?

TED
(nodding)

Yeah, and ?all your money won?t another minute buy.?

 BILL
Exactly Ted.

Socrates looks at Rufus, who translates this for him.

BILL
So, what this all means is that Rome will
take over you guys, then Rome will fall.

TED
Caesar.

BILL
Right, Ted.  Then will come a little guy named Napoleon
who?s in San Dimas waiting for us right now, or, actually,
two thousand years from now.

Rufus, overthrown by Billy the Kid, translates as he tracks down the Nerf football.  Again, Socrates nods, interested and puzzled at the same time.  Then Socrates says something to Rufus, who listens and nods.

 

RUFUS
(to Bill and Ted)

He wants to know about time.

BILL
(thinks)
Well, we don?t know much.

TED
But the bell always rings while we?re still in the hallway.

BILL
And who?d have thought you can take Napoleon to San Dimas?

They arrive at the van.

BILL
Rufus ? please ask Socrates if he would like to return to San Dimas with us.

Rufus does.  As Socrates considers this, we:


Continue . . .


 

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BILL & TED characters are trademarks of Nelson 1991 Inc. The motion picture BILL & TED'S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE ? 1989 Nelson Films Inc. All Rights Reserved. The motion picture BILL & TED'S BOGUS JOURNEY ? 1991 Orion Pictures Corporation. All Rights Reserved.