Bill & Ted's Shagadelic Halloween Adventure

(This is not your father's bill & ted)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

James-Michael Roddy

Show Development

9/25/99

Draft 4.7

 

 

 

PRE-SHOW:

As we enter the Wild West Arena, the air is filled with excitement generating top- forty mainstream hits. The stage is bathed in a low light, creating a mood of mystery.

Lights draw our attention down house left as

we see JIM and MICHELLE, two high school seniors from Universal's hit summer teen comedy American Pie, enter. They cross to house center.

JIM

Halloween Horror Nights! This is great. That haunted house was scary wasn't it Michelle?

MICHELLE

You know one time at Band Camp we told Ghost stories, and I got really scared.. I mean really scared.

She laughs at her own anecdote

JIM

That's great Michelle.. This program says this is the Bill and Ted show. Looks kinda interesting..

MICHELLE

You know.. one time at Band Camp.. We watched Bill and Ted.. It was boss! Keanu Reeves and that other guy were soooooooooo cool.

JIM

Right. Band Camp!

MICHELLE

..and then there was this one time, at Band Camp, where I stuck my flute up my..

JIM

Hey did you hear something?

MICHELLE

No.. So are we gonna make out.. because I'm getting kinda antsy..

The two teens climb over the fencing and head for one of the facade doors looking for a private place to practice their promiscuity.

The music begins for "Relax" as the lights fade to half.

At five minutes to show, we are welcomed to the show by the following voice-over.

V.O.

Ladies and Gentleman, Welcome to Bill and Ted's Shagadelic Halloween Adventure - The Excellent Menace!

We here at Universal Studios want you to enjoy the show, so please take caution of the following:

This show contains Pyrotechnics. It can get quite loud and startle young children or older patrons. If you are sitting next to one of these - move quickly!

This show contains water effects. If you are sitting in one of the clearly designated splash zones, you obviously are going to be bathed in cold recycled water. If you are concerned by this.. Again.. Move quickly! This show contains Rock and Roll! If you are offended by this type of music - Get out! You won't enjoy this show at all! Now please sit back, enjoy the show, and Party on Dudes!

The Music begins for Queen's Rock Anthem "We Will Rock You."

 

SHOW START:

As the music finishes our lights fade down completely. A voice-over begins our show. It is ominous in tone and matter of fact.

V.O.

In October of Nineteen-Ninety-Eight two time-traveling teenagers, Bill S. Preston Esquire, and Ted "Theodore" Logan created havoc, and mayhem. Shortly afterwards.. the Two teens disappeared. One Year Later.. we return to their last known location.

A flashlight beam draws our attention to centerstage. The flashlight beam is placed underneath the character's face, revealing the presumed missing documentary filmmaker HEATHER DONAHUE, complete with flannel and knit cap. She speaks in the over-dramatized fashion of her character from The Blair Witch project.

HEATHER

I am soooooooooo sorry. It's my fault! We went into the woods and.. I lost the map. It's all my fault. Wait! Listen.. Do you hear that?

She is interrupted by the voice of Michelle from point source sound in one of the upstage windows of the Hotel.

MICHELLE

(V.O.)

What's my name? Say My Name Bitch!!!

The Flannel-wearing female filmmaker screams and runs offstage left.

We hear the triumphant 'theme' from the original wild Wild West television show. Lighting draws our attention to the Hay Bale Doors upstage. The door swings open and out steps WILL SMITH as old meets new.

The music segues into the hip hit Wild Wild West. A group of female dancers in various forms of western lingerie fill the staging area, backing Will as he performs the song. Our two teens rush offstage as the musical number starts our show.

The abridged dance number finishes. Suddenly the lights dim, and we hear the approaching sound of something mechanical and futuristic. A burst of CO2 between signals the arrival of the infamous time-traveling phone booth of Bill S. Preston "Esquire" and Ted "Theodore" Logan. The dancers scatter, screaming offstage in multiple locations.

Will Rolls for cover and takes a position behind a series of crates and barrels upstage. The Phone Booth finally settles.

 

The door slides open and out steps the bald figure of DR. EVIL. He carries a stuffed Mr. Bigglesworth, his trusty feline.

DR. EVIL

You were expecting someone else? Hello good people. I have come here tonight with a nefarious plan. This is a "film" set. I have come here to this "film" set to take over the "film" industry. I will hold all of you captive. We can then ransom you in exchange for the budget for the first of my carnage- filled, foul-mouthed, society-destroying animated films. I will use this time-traveling phone booth, I recently acquired, to bring the mega-stars of the industry here to star in my "film."

Will Reveals himself striding up to the nefarious Doctor.

WILL SMITH

Not so fast baldy!!

DR. EVIL

Well, well, well, an authentic western cowboy. If it isn't the fresh prince of Egypt.. Look everyone - the new sheriff is a..

Will fires his gun towards the sky.

WILL SMITH

That'll be enough out of you.. Dr. Rogain!

 

DR. EVIL

I don't think so..

Dr. Evil claps his hands, calling a tiny figure from the phone booth. It is a three-foot high copy of Dr. Evil.

DR. EVIL

Say Hello to my little friend!! Mini-Me!

The miniature mean midget stands ready with the long, cylindrical ray rifle pointed towards our western hero.

Will drops his six-gun to the ground.. defeated.

DR. EVIL

Not so "giggy" now are we? My miniature me holds in his tiny little chubby hands a ray powerful enough to pulverize any city at will. I like to call it my "Death Star".

Will Smith snickers.

DR. EVIL

What?

WILL SMITH

(snickering again)

Nothing Darth.

DR. EVIL

Do you hear that? It's a little doggie barking.. Hush Puppy! Now, as I was saying.. I have a partner in my quest. A giant in the industry. I believe you all know him.

We hear the raspy mechanically altered sound of heavy Breathing. The ominous "Imperial March" plays as light illuminates from the interior of the saloon.

A heavily cloaked figure steps out from the shadows. The cloak slips off to reveal MICHAEL JACKSON, complete with breathing mask, and futuristic sequined glove. The music segues into the Jackson hit "Smooth Criminal."

DR. EVIL

He is the ebony to my Ivory - May I introduce you to Wacko Jacko!

MICHAEL JACKSON

You've been hit by, struck by.. a smooth criminal.. Annie are you okay? Jam On.. Whose Bad! Jam On! Jam On!

DR. EVIL

Look.. Come here. Evil people don't touch themselves.. If I wanted that I would have partnered myself with George Michael!

We hear the soul-stirring 'soul bossa - nova" as the doors to the barn slide open. A spiral pattern appears on a flat paper surface, recreating the cheesy time-traveling effect from the film. Suddenly, the Shaguar bursts through, trailing a cloud of smoke. It screeches to a stop, as BILL S. PRESTON, TED "THEODORE" LOGAN, and AUSTIN POWERS jump out. Bill and Ted immediately confront the bald bad-guy.

BILL

Rumors of our most triumphant death have been greatly exaggerated!!

TED

Totally Bill!!!

AUSTIN

Don't move baby!!

DR. EVIL

Well if it isn't my arch rival and fellow Canadian..eh?

Bill storms up to the diabolical doctor.

BILL

You? You total, bald, source of all evil!! You totally swiped our phone booth. That was most heinous and uncool.

DR. EVIL

Oh I'm sorry. Really. Who are you?

BILL

I am Bill S. Preston "esquire"!

TED

And I am Ted "Theodore" Logan!

BILL & TED

And we are.. Wild Stalyions!!

BILL

We were in the middle of time-traveling to all the summer movie audiences and warning them about the abysmal disappointing films, What an ugly summer too.. Station!

TED

Recap!..

BILL

Wild Wild Waste.

TED

(To Will Smith)

No offense Dude!

BILL

Eyes Bored Shut!

The boys both try to describe the summer sex flick, but are interrupted by the annoying tonal and obnoxious suspense scoring from the film.

BILL

I liked when Nicole..

TED

..and then when Tom took his..

BILL/TED

(To Booth)

DUDE!!

 

BILL

Star Wars..

TED

Episode One!

 

BILL/TED

The Phantom Suckfest!

TED

Meeso jar jar stinks!

BILL

Meeso lost five dollars seeing dis movie!

TED

Meeso Horneeeeeeeeeeeeey!

Heather Donahue screams from stage left to center.

TED

The Blair Bitch project..

HEATHER

What the hell is that? What the hell is that?

She screams and runs off stage right.

TED

Yeah, what the hell was that?

BILL

I don't know dude, but she was way annoying!

TED

And the camera technique totally made me sick!

The two teens shake, recreating the hand-held cinematic nightmare of the low-budget film.

BILL

That's when we realized our good friend here could give us a hand. A true box office giant.

TED

Yes. Plus He showed us the meaning of Pie!

AUSTIN

Three point one four baby!!!

DR. EVIL

How wickedly perfect that you dropped by.. Well, Mini me.. I think we have found our first test subjects for the DEATH STAR!

Bill and Ted obviously don't understand the seriousness of the situation.

BILL AND TED

Excellent!

DR. EVIL

It will alter your molecular structure, breaking it down to a puddle of bio-genetic magma!

BILL AND TED

Bogus!

DR. EVIL

Asta La Vista.. baby! Prepare to die!!!

Mini Me levels the death star at our two teen heroes. As he prepares to fire the lethal weapon, We hear the stirring "Main theme from Matrix". Lighting focuses behind our audience, where we find none other than KEANU REEVES, dressed in his Matrix Computer wear, but speaking with the voice of Ted.

He slides from the back of house across and above our audience, kicking his feet and landing atop the Saloon. He quickly turns to face our bad guys, taking a martial arts defensive posture.

KEANU

WHOA!

BILL

We arranged for some back-up!

FELICITY SHAGWELL appears atop the saloon balcony. Felicity draws her revolver and levels it at the bad guys. She strikes three very provocative poses.

That's when we hear the hit theme "AllStar" by Smashmouth - marking the arrival of The MYSTERY MEN. Lighting reveals our home-made heroes making their entrance via house right. They are THE SPLEEN, THE SHOVELER, MISTER FURIOUS and THE BOWLER.

THE BOWLER

Let's do some carnage!

 

 

 

Mister Furious screams racing up onto the gallows and jumping towards our villains. They step out of the way as Furious lands hard onto the floor (crash Pad).

He quickly returns to his feet, trying to save face as he confronts the villains.

MISTER FURIOUS

What's up tiger lily?

AUSTIN

You're Shagged!!!!

DR. EVIL

I don't think so..

Dr. Evil produces a small revolver from his jacket and fires blindly into the air. Our heroes scatter ducking the madman's bullets. Evil continues to fire as he and Michael Jackson flee into the booth.

Mini-Me drops the laser and starts to run. He makes it inside the booth as Will Smith grabs him by the ankles.(Quick switch from live actor to mini-sized dummy) The Mini-madman is tossed from Will to Ted to Mister Furious. We hear the gnawing sound of biting as the tiny terror fights for survival.

MISTER FURIOUS

Batter up!!!

Mister Furious tosses our pint-sized problem child at the Shoveler. The Shoveler takes a swing with his trusty shovel and sends the bad-guy flying towards the downstage Gallows.

The Deadly dwarf (second Mini-actor who has been concealed since the beginning of the show) suddenly jumps up and spits at our heroes. He shoots them an "up yours" and flees offstage.

The misfit heroes all try to grab him as he avoids them like a miniature football player heading for a touchdown. As he exits, the heroes recover as introductions are made.

BILL

Total wicked rescue attempt my box office and home-made heroes.

MISTER FURIOUS

Excellent? If it weren't for these clowns we would have had them!

AUSTIN

Whoa! Who are you groovy guys anyway?

TED

Yeah we called for back-up.. but we asked for super-heroes!

The homemade heroes introduce themselves to our teens. Each one takes centerstage as they do.

THE SHOVELER

We are super heroes!

MISTER FURIOUS

They Call me.. MISTER FURIOUS!

 

THE SHOVELER

(twirling his shovel)

They call me.. The Shoveler!

The THE BOWLER steps forward, neurotic and gothic.

THE BOWLER

I am the Bowler.

She returns to the line-up.

THE SPLEEN

I'm the Spleen..

TED

And what do you do repulsive dude?

THE SPLEEN

Want to know my power? Pull my finger..

MISTER FURIOUS

Don't do it.

Ted pulls the Smelly Superheroes finger. A burst of air blows out of the back of The Spleen's trenchcoat and knocking Ted to the ground.

The freshly foul scented teen recovers as Bill helps him to his feet. The Spleen focuses on our audience.

THE SPLEEN

I have a Gaseous problem.. See that guy in the third row?

The Spleen aims causing a puff of smoke and smell to arise in our audience.

MR. FURIOUS

(screams)

We need to stop dicking around and get serious here.

FELICITY

Yes. If Evil's plan works we'll all be forced to clean up our acts and rely on acting instead of long legs and curves..

The blonde babe strikes three more provocative poses.

BILL

No problem, my antagonistic friend and bodacious babe. We'll just call them back using this.

Bill produces a cellular phone from his back pocket.

BILL

We'll just bring that follically-challenged fiend and his surgically-altered, pop-music buddy back here.. and when they open the door..

The Spleen starts mock firing the huge death ray towards the audience

THE SPLEEN

Pow! Pow!

THE SHOVELER

Hey watch it with that. You could kill somebody!

The Shoveler pushes the Ray away from the audience.

THE SPLEEN

Hey what does this switch do?

The ray sparks to life spraying a mist(CO2) towards Bill and Ted. An eruption of colored smoke and pyro explodes between the Silvermine and Saloon concealing the area.

Our Mysterious characters hit the ground. When the smoke clears we find a puddle of black goop and charred bodies where Bill and Ted once stood.

THE SPLEEN

oops!

AUSTIN

CRIKEY!!!!

MISTER FURIOUS

Oh My God! You killed Bill and Ted.. You Bastard! You idiot! You friggin moron! What have we done!

The heroes rush over toward the bodies. The Bowler reaches down and picks up what was left of Bill's ball cap.

FELICITY

Ugh!

THE SPLEEN

We've killed them!

THE SHOVELER

What do you mean we? I was standing over here the entire time!

Mister Furious picks up the cell phone.

MISTER FURIOUS

This does not look good on a resume! Now what do we do?

THE BOWLER

Maybe we should call 911 or something, if we want to continue battling Dr. Evil today!

WILL SMITH

Nothing personal.. but you guys are idiots!

THE SPLEEN

(as Pee Wee Herman)

I Know you are, but what am I?

MISTER FURIOUS

Idiots?

THE BOWLER

The testosterone level is a little intense here..

MISTER FURIOUS

Don't mess with me man. I'm a volcano. I will get Pompeii on your butt!

WILL SMITH

Let's Go Bitch!

THE SHOVELER

Stop it! Black Bart here is right..

Triumphant music underscores The Shoveler as he rallies the rest of the Mystery Men.

THE SHOVELER

We're not your classic Super-heroes.. We're the guys nobody ever bets on. Those boys were innocent bystanders. We've got a blind date with destiny.. and it looks like she's ordered the lobster. I say we use this cell phone and bring those bastards back for a good come-uppence!

AUSTIN

Is there any other way baby!!! Yeah!

Mister Furious screams in approval. The rest of our would be heroes stare blankly at him.

MISTER FURIOUS

Let's do it!

Mister Furious runs down centerstage flanked by the other Mystery Men. Our other Heroes take various positions around the stage.

The Mystery Men clump together and give their trademark hand signal. Then Mister Furious dials in the number. We hear the annoying voice of a cellular one operator.

CELLULAR ONE OPERATOR

We're sorry the cellular customer you have called is not available.

The Bowler grabs the phone and re-dials. The telecommunications Time Machine makes it's approach, reappearing amidst a barrage of smoke and light.

The opening strains of "Running With The Devil " fills the air as the door slides open and Dr. Evil and Michael Jackson exit the booth.

DR. EVIL

I told you.. I'd Be Back!!

The music segues into the shock rock anthem "Beautiful People" as MARILYN MANSON saunters out of the booth.

The macabre musician takes a stand stage left.

The music segues into the ominous main theme from "Phantom Menace" as JAR JAR BINKS unexpectedly stumbles out juggling futuristic balls.

JAR JAR

Steady! Steady!!!

DR. EVIL

That's not what I ordered..

MICHAEL JACKSON

But he sure is cute..

DR. EVIL

(losing it)

I DON'T WANT CUTE IN MY MOVIE!!! I DON'T WANT CUTE IN A STAR WARS MOVIE! I DON'T WANT EWOKS! I DON'T WANT MUPPETS! I DON'T WANT ROGER RABBIT!!!

There is a moment of silence as everyone looks at Dr. Evil and Jar Jar. Dr. Evil shoots the Goofy Gillman back through the saloon doors, illiciting a response from the audience.

The music begins again as DARTH MAUL arrives. The villainous Dark Lord of the Sith steps out of the booth, his duel-sided lightsaber ready.

DR. EVIL

And just when you thought it was bad.. wait for it!!

A smaller version of the dreaded dark lord of the sith steps out, complete with miniature lightsaber.

DR. EVIL

I call him Mini-Maul!!!!!!

 

Another figure steps from the booth. It is a beautiful body of a bikini-clad dancer with the face of Darth Maul.

DR. EVIL

And this is Strip Maul!

The Dark Jedi dancer bumps and grinds centerstage.

THE SHOVELER

I'm repulsed and attracted at the same time..

MINI-MAUL

Wipe them out.. all of them!

The villains chase our heroes to various positions around stage as action music sets the scene of chaos.

Darth Maul pursues The Shoveler and The Bowler. Mini-Maul chases The Spleen and Mister Furious, clearing the stage as Austin and Felicity square off against the pale and disturbing Marilyn Manson.

AUSTIN

I'm a lover not a fighter baby!!!

FELICITY

This wannabe chick is toast!

The beautiful bombshell delivers a well placed kick sending the rocker reeling, but he will not go down.

The Rocker rears back his head revealing two long vampire fangs. He hisses at Austin who jumps into Felicity's waiting arms.

AUSTIN

Crikey's He's a Vampire!!

We hear the 'Opening Theme' from "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" as BUFFY rappels from the ceiling. Landing safely, she quickly retrieves a stake and a can of hairspray from her modified hairspray holster.

FELICITY

It's Buffy the Vampire Sprayer?

She delivers a series of well placed kicks into the dark rocker. She then grabs his nipple chain and pulls. He screams. That's when Buffy sprays the Goth Musician in the face with her hairspray sending Manson into the well. We hear him scream as he falls to his certain death. He lands, sending up a small spritz of water.

BUFFY

Dammit! I totally chipped a nail.

AUSTIN

Groovy moves baby, fancy a shag?

BUFFY

Can't, I'm late for class..

AUSTIN

Physical Education?

BUFFY

Acting 101..

She grabs her backpack and heads offstage.

Keanu reappears and heads for the phone booth.

AUSTIN

Where are you going?

KEANU

Pop Quiz Hotshot! You have a time-traveling phone booth and I have to make sure I never do Speed 2!

AUSTIN

You didn't do Speed 2!

KEANU

Exactly!!!

With that the Leather clad surfer boy climbs into the booth and exits.

From the saloon stage left balcony we see Jim and Michelle re-emerge. Jim steps out wearing his boxers from the film, while Michelle carries a flute and an apple pie.

The music for Offspring's "Pretty Fly for a White Guy" begins as Jim performs a quick victory dance. Michelle looks seductively at Jim.

MICHELLE

Want another slice?

Jim smiles and follows the flute-playing flirt back inside.

At that moment Will Smith re-emerges from stage left and Michael Jackson enters from stage right. The classic western showdown music of Ennio Morricone is heard. The music segues into Michael Jackson's hit "Black and White" as the skinny superstar breaks into a series of familiar moves. In response the Fresh Prince moves to his "Gettin Jiggy With it."

The showdown continues as each musical personality delivers a series of well placed choreographed moves. It appears as if Jackson is winning.

Will Smith pauses for a brief moment and then delivers a shattering pop himself. He bitch slaps Jackson who starts to cry.

MICHAEL JACKSON

You knocked off my nose! Tito! Janet! Macauley!

Smith chases Jackson offstage right. The Evil Dr. appears with Mini-Me from the balcony of the saloon and surveys the chaos. He carries with him a plastic cup of beer.

DR. EVIL

My plan is not working as well as I hoped.. It's a good thing I arranged for some back-up myself!

 

The Dr. Lifts a small cell-phone into the air. He presses the memory speed dial button as we hear the quick tones punch into the dial pad. Our heroes emerge in time to see the Doctor punch in the code.

Suddenly the lights begin a whirling effect that appears at various points around the stage. A weird, mechanical sound fills the air.

FELICITY

It's a time portal!

A Time spiral appears by the well. We hear a weird distortion, the sound of something going terribly wrong.

MISTER FURIOUS

This could be bad!

The time spiral appears, a whirling lighting effect, settling on the front of the '1812' building. We hear a building rumble.

We hear the theme from television's "Fat Albert" as suddenly the wall erupts forward as the huge, obese form of FAT BASTARD bursts through. He stands atop the water trough, his gelatinous form quivering at every move. He is shirtless, dressed in lycra pants, complete with headband.

FAT BASTARD

Bastard!!! Get in my Belly!!!! Get in my belly! I'm higher on the food chain than you! I'm the Lard of the Dance!!!

Fat Bastard starts to Riverdance - that's right - Riverdance. The Spleen steps in front of our heroes and between them and the approaching obese henchman.

MISTER FURIOUS

Hey auto-mart guy? We've got some cold ac..

MYSTERY MEN

That will set you free!!!

FAT BASTARD

I'm free baby! I'm out there and I'm lovin every minute of it! Come on Nancy Boy, Get some lovin!!!

 

The Mystery Men attack. They grapple, each exertion releasing a vulgar and eruptive sound. Fat Bastard sends the Mister Furious and the Shoveler tumbling.

The Bowler produces her trademark Bowling ball.

THE BOWLER

Here comes Daddy!

The Neurotic beauty sends the eight-pound weapon straight into Fat bastard's lap.

MISTER FURIOUS

Right in the goodies..

THE SPLEEN

Pull my finger.

The Spleen turns his body, aims, and fires. Sparks ricochet off the fencing as the blast sends the Fat Fiend sailing backwards into the well. Suddenly Heather Donahue reappears maniacally screaming she stops by the well realizing all the heroes are standing there. Maybe it's not as bad as she feared. We hear a tremendous rumbling sound that builds in intensity. Suddenly the well erupts with a flatulent explosion spraying our audience with water.

THE SPLEEN

Silent.. but deadly.

The flannel filmmaker runs screaming offstage.

Darth Maul steps out to confront our mysterious Heroes. They scatter as the Dark Jedi quickly flips(Mini-Tramp) over some crates, lands, and illuminates his double-sided light saber.

MISTER FURIOUS

Whose gonna deal with him?

The spiral reappears and settles on the area between the Saloon and the Silvermine. Red light illuminates the figure of SAMUEL L. JACKSON who steps out from the saloon doors.

He is dressed as a Jedi Council Member, but has the hairstyle and unrestrained speaking manner of his Pulp Fiction character.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

I'm gonna get medieval on your ass!!

He confronts the evil dark jedi.

The music for "Duel of The Fates" begins as Darth Maul and Samuel L. Jackson clash sabers. The two Jedi Masters slash away at each other as Darth pushes Samuel L. Jackson towards the downstage hitching post.

Darth Maul hacks away at Samuel with his saber, sparks and smoke rising from the fence and hitching post as the beam grazes the wood. Samuel L. Jackson races around the other side of the hitching post and makes for the gallows with Darth Maul right behind him. He jumps atop the gallows, using the hangman's noose to swing out into the house just as Darth Maul reaches the platform behind him. Yoda pulls the gallows' lever, sending Darth Maul to certain doom.

Our heroes cheer victory, when suddenly the lights dim.

A light reveals a special guest in our audience. Stepping down one of the stairway aisles, we reveal JERRY SPRINGER, complete with wireless microphone. We also see that Jerry's zipper is open, and his shirt tail is poking through.

JERRY SPRINGER

Hi. I'm Jerry Springer. And now for a final thought. Films today are filled with violence, suggestive material and inappropriate situations.

Jerry heads to the stage.

JERRY SPRINGER

(CONT.)

Look at this show. So far we've had flatulence, shagging, fighting, adult language, and political incorrectness.. Of course, I had nothing to do with it.. But I ask you, Did you enjoy it? The bad guy's lost.. and the good guys.. well.. uh.. well okay they died.. you got us on that.. But I take no responsibility..

The Phone Booth re-enters. Once settled, we hear the ceremonial theme from "Star Wars" as YODA steps out followed by two robed figures.

YODA

Always two there are..

The Music changes into Bill and Ted's musical anthem "Two Heads Are Better Than One" as the recently deceased wannabe rockers shed their cloaks. They reveal themselves, dressed in new Jedi outfits, complete with hair braids.

 

BILL

Whoa! Jerry! What an excellent adventure!

JERRY

But you two died! We all saw it!

BILL

Dude - Fly check!!

Jerry quickly zips his pants up. We hear the sickening crunch and rip as zipper meets flesh. Jerry screams in pain.

BILL

Dude.. We're not dead..

TED

Yeah.. Strike us down and we will return more excellent than you can ever imagine!!

 

Dr. Evil appears with Mini-me. He holds a gun on the two teens.

DR. EVIL

Not so fast boys!

BILL/TED

Bogus!

JERRY

Guys! Guys! Listen.. Look I know you want to ruin Hollywood, but isn't there another reason you are here? Don't you have something you want to say to someone?

DR.EVIL

Bill? Billy, I'm your friggin' daddy.

DR. EVIL

Come give daddy a hug!

Bill realizes the situation and screams.

BILL

NO!

Suddenly the stage erupts in true Springer fashion. Fat Bastard re-emerges from the well as Security and Darth Maul becomes "MAUL SECURITY" another take on the ridiculous surname.

JERRY

Guys.. Come on, We are all one big Hollywood family.. Can't we just be excellent to each other, and yourself?

BILL

Whoa! Jerry's right! We are all movie icons.. We need to set an example for the youth of America. We can't always be fighting. But We can Rock and Roll!

The entire cast looks out to our audience.

ALL

PARTY ON DUDES!

The boys rush forward

BILL

I am Bill S. Preston Esquire..

TED

And I am Ted "Theodore' Logan..

 

JERRY

..and I'm Jerry Springer!

BILL

and we are.

BILL & TED

WILD STAYLINS!

Everyone onstage performs a mock air guitar riff

Bill looks around at all of the misplaced movie and music stars.

BILL

Whoa! How do we get all of these Hollywood Icons back to there proper times and movies..

The music for the cult musical favorite "Time Warp" begins.

DR. EVIL

I think I might have a way.. son!

The folically challenged bad-guy takes lead vocals as our entire cast appears.

DR. EVIL

(SINGS)

It's astounding! Time is fleeting.. being eeeevil takes it's toll. But listen closely.. not for very much longer.. I've got to friggin' keep control.

As the number builds, a time spiral appears near the saloon doors. Evil accomplice FRAU appears on the stage right balcony commanding our movements.

The music segues into Jennifer Lopez's "Waiting For Tonight."

FRAU

It's not over until the Fat Lady Sings!!!

From the saloon steps the fiery latin beauty. When she turns we see that her derriere is three times the proportional size. She waddles out. The music is uninspired. Bill stops the fiery big-bottomed beauty.

BILL

Dude it's the anaconda chick!

TED

I didn't know she sang..

BILL

She doesn't!!!

The music segues into The Ricky Martin hit "Livin La Vida Loca" as the Latin singer appears. The entire cast reappears as Martin shakes, moves and gyrates.

The music continues as our cast moves into the stadium, surrounding our guests. Ricky stands atop the gallows screaming out his hit.

As the music builds, prominent pyrotechnic displays and lighting effects create a rousing and rollicking Finale, ending our show.

The lights go completely dark. They bump up as the hard rock classic "The Boys Are Back in Town" begins and our characters take a bow, then rush one by one into the phone booth. Bill and Ted enter last closing the door. The Booth exits, promising the future adventures of Bill and Ted as our audience exits the arena and into the park.

 

 

-END-

 

 

Lights draw our attention down house left as

we see JIM and MICHELLE, two high school seniors from Universal's hit summer teen comedy American Pie, enter. They cross to house center.

JIM

Halloween Horror Nights! This is great. That haunted house was scary wasn't it Michelle?

MICHELLE

You know one time at Band Camp we told Ghost stories, and I got really scared.. I mean really scared.

She laughs at her own anecdote

JIM

That's great Michelle.. This program says this is the Bill and Ted show. Looks kinda interesting..

MICHELLE

You know.. one time at Band Camp.. We watched Bill and Ted.. It was boss! Keanu Reeves and that other guy were soooooooooo cool.

JIM

Right. Band Camp!

MICHELLE

..and then there was this one time, at Band Camp, where I stuck my flute up my..

JIM

Hey did you hear something?

MICHELLE

No.. So are we gonna make out.. because I'm getting kinda antsy..

The two teens climb over the fencing and head for one of the facade doors looking for a private place to practice their promiscuity.

The music begins for "Relax" as the lights fade to half.

At five minutes to show, we are welcomed to the show by the following voice-over.

V.O.

Ladies and Gentleman, Welcome to Bill and Ted's Shagadelic Halloween Adventure - The Excellent Menace!

We here at Universal Studios want you to enjoy the show, so please take caution of the following:

This show contains Pyrotechnics. It can get quite loud and startle young children or older patrons. If you are sitting next to one of these - move quickly!

This show contains water effects. If you are sitting in one of the clearly designated splash zones, you obviously are going to be bathed in cold recycled water. If you are concerned by this.. Again.. Move quickly! This show contains Rock and Roll! If you are offended by this type of music - Get out! You won't enjoy this show at all! Now please sit back, enjoy the show, and Party on Dudes!

The Music begins for Queen's Rock Anthem "We Will Rock You."

 

SHOW START:

As the music finishes our lights fade down completely. A voice-over begins our show. It is ominous in tone and matter of fact.

V.O.

In October of Nineteen-Ninety-Eight two time-traveling teenagers, Bill S. Preston Esquire, and Ted "Theodore" Logan created havoc, and mayhem. Shortly afterwards.. the Two teens disappeared. One Year Later.. we return to their last known location.

A flashlight beam draws our attention to centerstage. The flashlight beam is placed underneath the character's face, revealing the presumed missing documentary filmmaker HEATHER DONAHUE, complete with flannel and knit cap. She speaks in the over-dramatized fashion of her character from The Blair Witch project.

HEATHER

I am soooooooooo sorry. It's my fault! We went into the woods and.. I lost the map. It's all my fault. Wait! Listen.. Do you hear that?

She is interrupted by the voice of Michelle from point source sound in one of the upstage windows of the Hotel.

MICHELLE

(V.O.)

What's my name? Say My Name Bitch!!!

The Flannel-wearing female filmmaker screams and runs offstage left.

We hear the triumphant 'theme' from the original wild Wild West television show. Lighting draws our attention to the Hay Bale Doors upstage. The door swings open and out steps WILL SMITH as old meets new.

The music segues into the hip hit Wild Wild West. A group of female dancers in various forms of western lingerie fill the staging area, backing Will as he performs the song. Our two teens rush offstage as the musical number starts our show.

The abridged dance number finishes. Suddenly the lights dim, and we hear the approaching sound of something mechanical and futuristic. A burst of CO2 between signals the arrival of the infamous time-traveling phone booth of Bill S. Preston "Esquire" and Ted "Theodore" Logan. The dancers scatter, screaming offstage in multiple locations.

Will Rolls for cover and takes a position behind a series of crates and barrels upstage. The Phone Booth finally settles.

 

The door slides open and out steps the bald figure of DR. EVIL. He carries a stuffed Mr. Bigglesworth, his trusty feline.

DR. EVIL

You were expecting someone else? Hello good people. I have come here tonight with a nefarious plan. This is a "film" set. I have come here to this "film" set to take over the "film" industry. I will hold all of you captive. We can then ransom you in exchange for the budget for the first of my carnage- filled, foul-mouthed, society-destroying animated films. I will use this time-traveling phone booth, I recently acquired, to bring the mega-stars of the industry here to star in my "film."

Will Reveals himself striding up to the nefarious Doctor.

WILL SMITH

Not so fast baldy!!

DR. EVIL

Well, well, well, an authentic western cowboy. If it isn't the fresh prince of Egypt.. Look everyone - the new sheriff is a..

Will fires his gun towards the sky.

WILL SMITH

That'll be enough out of you.. Dr. Rogain!

 

DR. EVIL

I don't think so..

Dr. Evil claps his hands, calling a tiny figure from the phone booth. It is a three-foot high copy of Dr. Evil.

DR. EVIL

Say Hello to my little friend!! Mini-Me!

The miniature mean midget stands ready with the long, cylindrical ray rifle pointed towards our western hero.

Will drops his six-gun to the ground.. defeated.

DR. EVIL

Not so "giggy" now are we? My miniature me holds in his tiny little chubby hands a ray powerful enough to pulverize any city at will. I like to call it my "Death Star".

Will Smith snickers.

DR. EVIL

What?

WILL SMITH

(snickering again)

Nothing Darth.

DR. EVIL

Do you hear that? It's a little doggie barking.. Hush Puppy! Now, as I was saying.. I have a partner in my quest. A giant in the industry. I believe you all know him.

We hear the raspy mechanically altered sound of heavy Breathing. The ominous "Imperial March" plays as light illuminates from the interior of the saloon.

A heavily cloaked figure steps out from the shadows. The cloak slips off to reveal MICHAEL JACKSON, complete with breathing mask, and futuristic sequined glove. The music segues into the Jackson hit "Smooth Criminal."

DR. EVIL

He is the ebony to my Ivory - May I introduce you to Wacko Jacko!

MICHAEL JACKSON

You've been hit by, struck by.. a smooth criminal.. Annie are you okay? Jam On.. Whose Bad! Jam On! Jam On!

DR. EVIL

Look.. Come here. Evil people don't touch themselves.. If I wanted that I would have partnered myself with George Michael!

We hear the soul-stirring 'soul bossa - nova" as the doors to the barn slide open. A spiral pattern appears on a flat paper surface, recreating the cheesy time-traveling effect from the film. Suddenly, the Shaguar bursts through, trailing a cloud of smoke. It screeches to a stop, as BILL S. PRESTON, TED "THEODORE" LOGAN, and AUSTIN POWERS jump out. Bill and Ted immediately confront the bald bad-guy.

BILL

Rumors of our most triumphant death have been greatly exaggerated!!

TED

Totally Bill!!!

AUSTIN

Don't move baby!!

DR. EVIL

Well if it isn't my arch rival and fellow Canadian..eh?

Bill storms up to the diabolical doctor.

BILL

You? You total, bald, source of all evil!! You totally swiped our phone booth. That was most heinous and uncool.

DR. EVIL

Oh I'm sorry. Really. Who are you?

BILL

I am Bill S. Preston "esquire"!

TED

And I am Ted "Theodore" Logan!

BILL & TED

And we are.. Wild Stalyions!!

BILL

We were in the middle of time-traveling to all the summer movie audiences and warning them about the abysmal disappointing films, What an ugly summer too.. Station!

TED

Recap!..

BILL

Wild Wild Waste.

TED

(To Will Smith)

No offense Dude!

BILL

Eyes Bored Shut!

The boys both try to describe the summer sex flick, but are interrupted by the annoying tonal and obnoxious suspense scoring from the film.

BILL

I liked when Nicole..

TED

..and then when Tom took his..

BILL/TED

(To Booth)

DUDE!!

 

BILL

Star Wars..

TED

Episode One!

 

BILL/TED

The Phantom Suckfest!

TED

Meeso jar jar stinks!

BILL

Meeso lost five dollars seeing dis movie!

TED

Meeso Horneeeeeeeeeeeeey!

Heather Donahue screams from stage left to center.

TED

The Blair Bitch project..

HEATHER

What the hell is that? What the hell is that?

She screams and runs off stage right.

TED

Yeah, what the hell was that?

BILL

I don't know dude, but she was way annoying!

TED

And the camera technique totally made me sick!

The two teens shake, recreating the hand-held cinematic nightmare of the low-budget film.

BILL

That's when we realized our good friend here could give us a hand. A true box office giant.

TED

Yes. Plus He showed us the meaning of Pie!

AUSTIN

Three point one four baby!!!

DR. EVIL

How wickedly perfect that you dropped by.. Well, Mini me.. I think we have found our first test subjects for the DEATH STAR!

Bill and Ted obviously don't understand the seriousness of the situation.

BILL AND TED

Excellent!

DR. EVIL

It will alter your molecular structure, breaking it down to a puddle of bio-genetic magma!

BILL AND TED

Bogus!

DR. EVIL

Asta La Vista.. baby! Prepare to die!!!

Mini Me levels the death star at our two teen heroes. As he prepares to fire the lethal weapon, We hear the stirring "Main theme from Matrix". Lighting focuses behind our audience, where we find none other than KEANU REEVES, dressed in his Matrix Computer wear, but speaking with the voice of Ted.

He slides from the back of house across and above our audience, kicking his feet and landing atop the Saloon. He quickly turns to face our bad guys, taking a martial arts defensive posture.

KEANU

WHOA!

BILL

We arranged for some back-up!

FELICITY SHAGWELL appears atop the saloon balcony. Felicity draws her revolver and levels it at the bad guys. She strikes three very provocative poses.

That's when we hear the hit theme "AllStar" by Smashmouth - marking the arrival of The MYSTERY MEN. Lighting reveals our home-made heroes making their entrance via house right. They are THE SPLEEN, THE SHOVELER, MISTER FURIOUS and THE BOWLER.

THE BOWLER

Let's do some carnage!

 

 

 

Mister Furious screams racing up onto the gallows and jumping towards our villains. They step out of the way as Furious lands hard onto the floor (crash Pad).

He quickly returns to his feet, trying to save face as he confronts the villains.

MISTER FURIOUS

What's up tiger lily?

AUSTIN

You're Shagged!!!!

DR. EVIL

I don't think so..

Dr. Evil produces a small revolver from his jacket and fires blindly into the air. Our heroes scatter ducking the madman's bullets. Evil continues to fire as he and Michael Jackson flee into the booth.

Mini-Me drops the laser and starts to run. He makes it inside the booth as Will Smith grabs him by the ankles.(Quick switch from live actor to mini-sized dummy) The Mini-madman is tossed from Will to Ted to Mister Furious. We hear the gnawing sound of biting as the tiny terror fights for survival.

MISTER FURIOUS

Batter up!!!

Mister Furious tosses our pint-sized problem child at the Shoveler. The Shoveler takes a swing with his trusty shovel and sends the bad-guy flying towards the downstage Gallows.

The Deadly dwarf (second Mini-actor who has been concealed since the beginning of the show) suddenly jumps up and spits at our heroes. He shoots them an "up yours" and flees offstage.

The misfit heroes all try to grab him as he avoids them like a miniature football player heading for a touchdown. As he exits, the heroes recover as introductions are made.

BILL

Total wicked rescue attempt my box office and home-made heroes.

MISTER FURIOUS

Excellent? If it weren't for these clowns we would have had them!

AUSTIN

Whoa! Who are you groovy guys anyway?

TED

Yeah we called for back-up.. but we asked for super-heroes!

The homemade heroes introduce themselves to our teens. Each one takes centerstage as they do.

THE SHOVELER

We are super heroes!

MISTER FURIOUS

They Call me.. MISTER FURIOUS!

 

THE SHOVELER

(twirling his shovel)

They call me.. The Shoveler!

The THE BOWLER steps forward, neurotic and gothic.

THE BOWLER

I am the Bowler.

She returns to the line-up.

THE SPLEEN

I'm the Spleen..

TED

And what do you do repulsive dude?

THE SPLEEN

Want to know my power? Pull my finger..

MISTER FURIOUS

Don't do it.

Ted pulls the Smelly Superheroes finger. A burst of air blows out of the back of The Spleen's trenchcoat and knocking Ted to the ground.

The freshly foul scented teen recovers as Bill helps him to his feet. The Spleen focuses on our audience.

THE SPLEEN

I have a Gaseous problem.. See that guy in the third row?

The Spleen aims causing a puff of smoke and smell to arise in our audience.

MR. FURIOUS

(screams)

We need to stop dicking around and get serious here.

FELICITY

Yes. If Evil's plan works we'll all be forced to clean up our acts and rely on acting instead of long legs and curves..

The blonde babe strikes three more provocative poses.

BILL

No problem, my antagonistic friend and bodacious babe. We'll just call them back using this.

Bill produces a cellular phone from his back pocket.

BILL

We'll just bring that follically-challenged fiend and his surgically-altered, pop-music buddy back here.. and when they open the door..

The Spleen starts mock firing the huge death ray towards the audience

THE SPLEEN

Pow! Pow!

THE SHOVELER

Hey watch it with that. You could kill somebody!

The Shoveler pushes the Ray away from the audience.

THE SPLEEN

Hey what does this switch do?

The ray sparks to life spraying a mist(CO2) towards Bill and Ted. An eruption of colored smoke and pyro explodes between the Silvermine and Saloon concealing the area.

Our Mysterious characters hit the ground. When the smoke clears we find a puddle of black goop and charred bodies where Bill and Ted once stood.

THE SPLEEN

oops!

AUSTIN

CRIKEY!!!!

MISTER FURIOUS

Oh My God! You killed Bill and Ted.. You Bastard! You idiot! You friggin moron! What have we done!

The heroes rush over toward the bodies. The Bowler reaches down and picks up what was left of Bill's ball cap.

FELICITY

Ugh!

THE SPLEEN

We've killed them!

THE SHOVELER

What do you mean we? I was standing over here the entire time!

Mister Furious picks up the cell phone.

MISTER FURIOUS

This does not look good on a resume! Now what do we do?

THE BOWLER

Maybe we should call 911 or something, if we want to continue battling Dr. Evil today!

WILL SMITH

Nothing personal.. but you guys are idiots!

THE SPLEEN

(as Pee Wee Herman)

I Know you are, but what am I?

MISTER FURIOUS

Idiots?

THE BOWLER

The testosterone level is a little intense here..

MISTER FURIOUS

Don't mess with me man. I'm a volcano. I will get Pompeii on your butt!

WILL SMITH

Let's Go Bitch!

THE SHOVELER

Stop it! Black Bart here is right..

Triumphant music underscores The Shoveler as he rallies the rest of the Mystery Men.

THE SHOVELER

We're not your classic Super-heroes.. We're the guys nobody ever bets on. Those boys were innocent bystanders. We've got a blind date with destiny.. and it looks like she's ordered the lobster. I say we use this cell phone and bring those bastards back for a good come-uppence!

AUSTIN

Is there any other way baby!!! Yeah!

Mister Furious screams in approval. The rest of our would be heroes stare blankly at him.

MISTER FURIOUS

Let's do it!

Mister Furious runs down centerstage flanked by the other Mystery Men. Our other Heroes take various positions around the stage.

The Mystery Men clump together and give their trademark hand signal. Then Mister Furious dials in the number. We hear the annoying voice of a cellular one operator.

CELLULAR ONE OPERATOR

We're sorry the cellular customer you have called is not available.

The Bowler grabs the phone and re-dials. The telecommunications Time Machine makes it's approach, reappearing amidst a barrage of smoke and light.

The opening strains of "Running With The Devil " fills the air as the door slides open and Dr. Evil and Michael Jackson exit the booth.

DR. EVIL

I told you.. I'd Be Back!!

The music segues into the shock rock anthem "Beautiful People" as MARILYN MANSON saunters out of the booth.

The macabre musician takes a stand stage left.

The music segues into the ominous main theme from "Phantom Menace" as JAR JAR BINKS unexpectedly stumbles out juggling futuristic balls.

JAR JAR

Steady! Steady!!!

DR. EVIL

That's not what I ordered..

MICHAEL JACKSON

But he sure is cute..

DR. EVIL

(losing it)

I DON'T WANT CUTE IN MY MOVIE!!! I DON'T WANT CUTE IN A STAR WARS MOVIE! I DON'T WANT EWOKS! I DON'T WANT MUPPETS! I DON'T WANT ROGER RABBIT!!!

There is a moment of silence as everyone looks at Dr. Evil and Jar Jar. Dr. Evil shoots the Goofy Gillman back through the saloon doors, illiciting a response from the audience.

The music begins again as DARTH MAUL arrives. The villainous Dark Lord of the Sith steps out of the booth, his duel-sided lightsaber ready.

DR. EVIL

And just when you thought it was bad.. wait for it!!

A smaller version of the dreaded dark lord of the sith steps out, complete with miniature lightsaber.

DR. EVIL

I call him Mini-Maul!!!!!!

 

Another figure steps from the booth. It is a beautiful body of a bikini-clad dancer with the face of Darth Maul.

DR. EVIL

And this is Strip Maul!

The Dark Jedi dancer bumps and grinds centerstage.

THE SHOVELER

I'm repulsed and attracted at the same time..

MINI-MAUL

Wipe them out.. all of them!

The villains chase our heroes to various positions around stage as action music sets the scene of chaos.

Darth Maul pursues The Shoveler and The Bowler. Mini-Maul chases The Spleen and Mister Furious, clearing the stage as Austin and Felicity square off against the pale and disturbing Marilyn Manson.

AUSTIN

I'm a lover not a fighter baby!!!

FELICITY

This wannabe chick is toast!

The beautiful bombshell delivers a well placed kick sending the rocker reeling, but he will not go down.

The Rocker rears back his head revealing two long vampire fangs. He hisses at Austin who jumps into Felicity's waiting arms.

AUSTIN

Crikey's He's a Vampire!!

We hear the 'Opening Theme' from "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" as BUFFY rappels from the ceiling. Landing safely, she quickly retrieves a stake and a can of hairspray from her modified hairspray holster.

FELICITY

It's Buffy the Vampire Sprayer?

She delivers a series of well placed kicks into the dark rocker. She then grabs his nipple chain and pulls. He screams. That's when Buffy sprays the Goth Musician in the face with her hairspray sending Manson into the well. We hear him scream as he falls to his certain death. He lands, sending up a small spritz of water.

BUFFY

Dammit! I totally chipped a nail.

AUSTIN

Groovy moves baby, fancy a shag?

BUFFY

Can't, I'm late for class..

AUSTIN

Physical Education?

BUFFY

Acting 101..

She grabs her backpack and heads offstage.

Keanu reappears and heads for the phone booth.

AUSTIN

Where are you going?

KEANU

Pop Quiz Hotshot! You have a time-traveling phone booth and I have to make sure I never do Speed 2!

AUSTIN

You didn't do Speed 2!

KEANU

Exactly!!!

With that the Leather clad surfer boy climbs into the booth and exits.

From the saloon stage left balcony we see Jim and Michelle re-emerge. Jim steps out wearing his boxers from the film, while Michelle carries a flute and an apple pie.

The music for Offspring's "Pretty Fly for a White Guy" begins as Jim performs a quick victory dance. Michelle looks seductively at Jim.

MICHELLE

Want another slice?

Jim smiles and follows the flute-playing flirt back inside.

At that moment Will Smith re-emerges from stage left and Michael Jackson enters from stage right. The classic western showdown music of Ennio Morricone is heard. The music segues into Michael Jackson's hit "Black and White" as the skinny superstar breaks into a series of familiar moves. In response the Fresh Prince moves to his "Gettin Jiggy With it."

The showdown continues as each musical personality delivers a series of well placed choreographed moves. It appears as if Jackson is winning.

Will Smith pauses for a brief moment and then delivers a shattering pop himself. He bitch slaps Jackson who starts to cry.

MICHAEL JACKSON

You knocked off my nose! Tito! Janet! Macauley!

Smith chases Jackson offstage right. The Evil Dr. appears with Mini-Me from the balcony of the saloon and surveys the chaos. He carries with him a plastic cup of beer.

DR. EVIL

My plan is not working as well as I hoped.. It's a good thing I arranged for some back-up myself!

 

The Dr. Lifts a small cell-phone into the air. He presses the memory speed dial button as we hear the quick tones punch into the dial pad. Our heroes emerge in time to see the Doctor punch in the code.

Suddenly the lights begin a whirling effect that appears at various points around the stage. A weird, mechanical sound fills the air.

FELICITY

It's a time portal!

A Time spiral appears by the well. We hear a weird distortion, the sound of something going terribly wrong.

MISTER FURIOUS

This could be bad!

The time spiral appears, a whirling lighting effect, settling on the front of the '1812' building. We hear a building rumble.

We hear the theme from television's "Fat Albert" as suddenly the wall erupts forward as the huge, obese form of FAT BASTARD bursts through. He stands atop the water trough, his gelatinous form quivering at every move. He is shirtless, dressed in lycra pants, complete with headband.

FAT BASTARD

Bastard!!! Get in my Belly!!!! Get in my belly! I'm higher on the food chain than you! I'm the Lard of the Dance!!!

Fat Bastard starts to Riverdance - that's right - Riverdance. The Spleen steps in front of our heroes and between them and the approaching obese henchman.

MISTER FURIOUS

Hey auto-mart guy? We've got some cold ac..

MYSTERY MEN

That will set you free!!!

FAT BASTARD

I'm free baby! I'm out there and I'm lovin every minute of it! Come on Nancy Boy, Get some lovin!!!

 

The Mystery Men attack. They grapple, each exertion releasing a vulgar and eruptive sound. Fat Bastard sends the Mister Furious and the Shoveler tumbling.

The Bowler produces her trademark Bowling ball.

THE BOWLER

Here comes Daddy!

The Neurotic beauty sends the eight-pound weapon straight into Fat bastard's lap.

MISTER FURIOUS

Right in the goodies..

THE SPLEEN

Pull my finger.

The Spleen turns his body, aims, and fires. Sparks ricochet off the fencing as the blast sends the Fat Fiend sailing backwards into the well. Suddenly Heather Donahue reappears maniacally screaming she stops by the well realizing all the heroes are standing there. Maybe it's not as bad as she feared. We hear a tremendous rumbling sound that builds in intensity. Suddenly the well erupts with a flatulent explosion spraying our audience with water.

THE SPLEEN

Silent.. but deadly.

The flannel filmmaker runs screaming offstage.

Darth Maul steps out to confront our mysterious Heroes. They scatter as the Dark Jedi quickly flips(Mini-Tramp) over some crates, lands, and illuminates his double-sided light saber.

MISTER FURIOUS

Whose gonna deal with him?

The spiral reappears and settles on the area between the Saloon and the Silvermine. Red light illuminates the figure of SAMUEL L. JACKSON who steps out from the saloon doors.

He is dressed as a Jedi Council Member, but has the hairstyle and unrestrained speaking manner of his Pulp Fiction character.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

I'm gonna get medieval on your ass!!

He confronts the evil dark jedi.

The music for "Duel of The Fates" begins as Darth Maul and Samuel L. Jackson clash sabers. The two Jedi Masters slash away at each other as Darth pushes Samuel L. Jackson towards the downstage hitching post.

Darth Maul hacks away at Samuel with his saber, sparks and smoke rising from the fence and hitching post as the beam grazes the wood. Samuel L. Jackson races around the other side of the hitching post and makes for the gallows with Darth Maul right behind him. He jumps atop the gallows, using the hangman's noose to swing out into the house just as Darth Maul reaches the platform behind him. Yoda pulls the gallows' lever, sending Darth Maul to certain doom.

Our heroes cheer victory, when suddenly the lights dim.

A light reveals a special guest in our audience. Stepping down one of the stairway aisles, we reveal JERRY SPRINGER, complete with wireless microphone. We also see that Jerry's zipper is open, and his shirt tail is poking through.

JERRY SPRINGER

Hi. I'm Jerry Springer. And now for a final thought. Films today are filled with violence, suggestive material and inappropriate situations.

Jerry heads to the stage.

JERRY SPRINGER

(CONT.)

Look at this show. So far we've had flatulence, shagging, fighting, adult language, and political incorrectness.. Of course, I had nothing to do with it.. But I ask you, Did you enjoy it? The bad guy's lost.. and the good guys.. well.. uh.. well okay they died.. you got us on that.. But I take no responsibility..

The Phone Booth re-enters. Once settled, we hear the ceremonial theme from "Star Wars" as YODA steps out followed by two robed figures.

YODA

Always two there are..

The Music changes into Bill and Ted's musical anthem "Two Heads Are Better Than One" as the recently deceased wannabe rockers shed their cloaks. They reveal themselves, dressed in new Jedi outfits, complete with hair braids.

 

BILL

Whoa! Jerry! What an excellent adventure!

JERRY

But you two died! We all saw it!

BILL

Dude - Fly check!!

Jerry quickly zips his pants up. We hear the sickening crunch and rip as zipper meets flesh. Jerry screams in pain.

BILL

Dude.. We're not dead..

TED

Yeah.. Strike us down and we will return more excellent than you can ever imagine!!

 

Dr. Evil appears with Mini-me. He holds a gun on the two teens.

DR. EVIL

Not so fast boys!

BILL/TED

Bogus!

JERRY

Guys! Guys! Listen.. Look I know you want to ruin Hollywood, but isn't there another reason you are here? Don't you have something you want to say to someone?

DR.EVIL

Bill? Billy, I'm your friggin' daddy.

DR. EVIL

Come give daddy a hug!

Bill realizes the situation and screams.

BILL

NO!

Suddenly the stage erupts in true Springer fashion. Fat Bastard re-emerges from the well as Security and Darth Maul becomes "MAUL SECURITY" another take on the ridiculous surname.

JERRY

Guys.. Come on, We are all one big Hollywood family.. Can't we just be excellent to each other, and yourself?

BILL

Whoa! Jerry's right! We are all movie icons.. We need to set an example for the youth of America. We can't always be fighting. But We can Rock and Roll!

The entire cast looks out to our audience.

ALL

PARTY ON DUDES!

The boys rush forward

BILL

I am Bill S. Preston Esquire..

TED

And I am Ted "Theodore' Logan..

 

JERRY

..and I'm Jerry Springer!

BILL

and we are.

BILL & TED

WILD STAYLINS!

Everyone onstage performs a mock air guitar riff

Bill looks around at all of the misplaced movie and music stars.

BILL

Whoa! How do we get all of these Hollywood Icons back to there proper times and movies..

The music for the cult musical favorite "Time Warp" begins.

DR. EVIL

I think I might have a way.. son!

The folically challenged bad-guy takes lead vocals as our entire cast appears.

DR. EVIL

(SINGS)

It's astounding! Time is fleeting.. being eeeevil takes it's toll. But listen closely.. not for very much longer.. I've got to friggin' keep control.

As the number builds, a time spiral appears near the saloon doors. Evil accomplice FRAU appears on the stage right balcony commanding our movements.

The music segues into Jennifer Lopez's "Waiting For Tonight."

FRAU

It's not over until the Fat Lady Sings!!!

From the saloon steps the fiery latin beauty. When she turns we see that her derriere is three times the proportional size. She waddles out. The music is uninspired. Bill stops the fiery big-bottomed beauty.

BILL

Dude it's the anaconda chick!

TED

I didn't know she sang..

BILL

She doesn't!!!

The music segues into The Ricky Martin hit "Livin La Vida Loca" as the Latin singer appears. The entire cast reappears as Martin shakes, moves and gyrates.

The music continues as our cast moves into the stadium, surrounding our guests. Ricky stands atop the gallows screaming out his hit.

As the music builds, prominent pyrotechnic displays and lighting effects create a rousing and rollicking Finale, ending our show.

The lights go completely dark. They bump up as the hard rock classic "The Boys Are Back in Town" begins and our characters take a bow, then rush one by one into the phone booth. Bill and Ted enter last closing the door. The Booth exits, promising the future adventures of Bill and Ted as our audience exits the arena and into the park.

 

 

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Bill and Ted?s Excellent Adventure characters and images ? & ? 1989, 2003 Creative Licensing Corporation. All Rights Reserved.