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"Wyld Stallyns Return"

The show begins with the video screen in snow then changing to show a digital display of the number "69" which then changes to "24" as in the opening of that series.  Jack Bauer comes on stage, talking to headquarters in an irritated voice about how he hasn't slept for six seasons and why he seems to be the only one who can save the world.  A fan gets up to say he recognizes Jack from the show and poses, saying his mom says he looks like Vin Diesel.  Jack grabs him, demanding to know where they are.  Under duress, the fan tells him they're at the Bill & Ted Halloween Show and then warns about the scantily-clad women and men, the pyrotechnics and foul language (the warnings given every year before the show starts).  As Jack is told by his contact that the show will start shortly, the fan makes a break for it and Jack goes after him.

A production number of Christina Aguilera's Ain't No Other takes place.  At the end of the number Jack drags the hapless fan back onstage and demands to know what else the guy hasn't told him as a clock counts down to the start of the show.  "We will rock you!" the fan cries.  The theme song of the show, We Will Rock You, begins.  A video presentation then begins, talking about how 15 years ago Bill & Ted embarked upon their first Halloween Adventure (as clips from Excellent Adventure are shown) and make note that they have returned to where it all began (the Wild West Stage).  The phone booth is seen launching on the screen and appears on the stage as the Superman theme music plays then merges into the Wyld Stallyns introductory music (Two Heads Are Better Than One).

Bill and Ted run to the front of the stage and address the crowd, introducing themselves in their usual fashion ("I am Bill S. Preston, Esq. . . ." etc.).  They comment on how happy they are to be back at the Wild West Stage, then notice it is now the Fear Factor stage.  Bill points out that it's on that stage contestants do disgusting things to win a t-shirt.  Ted comments this is bogus until Bill points out the t-shirt is 100% cotton.  Ted asks what they should do now and Bill says they should sit back until a most heinous villain shows up to threaten them all, then counts down the arrival of the villain.

A bald man appears and Bill cries, "Dr. Evil?  Again?"  The man says he's not Dr. Evil and Bill and Ted are excited that it is Howie Mandell from Deal or No Deal.  The man explains he is Lex Luthor and that he has bought the land upon which Universal Studios sits and plans to raze it all to build his own theme park in his own image.  Ted says Lex Luthor has some balls and Lex agrees, showing them the large Universal video domes on the video screen.  A video displays shows that the balls are actually the tips of Kryptonian warheads beneath the Universal Park lagoon as Lex explains that upon his command the missiles will launch, turn, and slam back into the park.  He will then turn the ruins into Luthorversal, then expands upon some of the coming attractions.

Bill and Ted tell Luthor they won't let him get away with it but Luthor says he has "This!" and holds up a small device.  "That's an iPod!" Ted points out.  "No, it's a Krypton-iPod," Luthor explains, and says it not only launches his warheads but downloads any celebrity and brings them there to appear in his attractions.  He steps away to summon a few movie villains to eliminate Bill & Ted.  Luthor hits a few buttons and the song You're Beautiful starts playing, sending Bill & Ted into hysterics.  Furious, Luthor summons Magneto, who comes in standing on a green dolly being pushed by a man dressed all in green.  Luthor asks what Magneto is doing and he insists he's floating on a magnetic field.  When they point out the man and dolly Magneto says, "That's CGI, punk!  Pay it no attention."  He steps off the dolly and the green man wheels it squeakily away as Magneto calls after himto ask if he's never heard of WD-40.

Luthor then summons the villainous Silas from The Da Vinci Code, who comes out as a monk banging his head with the holy book a la Monty Python and the Holy Grail.  After throwing off his robes he dances to Devo's Whip It and then is told to stop hitting himself.  Finally Luthor summons Davy Jones from Pirates of the Caribbean who comes out in a threatening manner before breaking into a shanty about himself.  Ted tells him they loved him in Little Mermaid.  When Davy Jones turns on them, Bill and Ted run to the booth yelling they need to call The X-Men.  As they disappear into the booth, Luthor uses his Krypton-iPod and says he'll give them X-men.  Pushing some buttons, the booth smokes as if it is going to take off, but then the doors open and a female version of Bill and Ted come out.  "Check it out . . . they're ex-men!" Luthor exclaims.

Bill and Ted realize they're women with a shock.  Luthor assures them they're not the first ones he's tried this on, and motions as Juggernaut comes out with his very large chest.  Luthor pushes the female Bill and Ted to him, where he grabs them and Bill and Ted say they need help.  At that moment Jack Sparrow descends from above, only his line gets stuck partway down so he is dangling above the stage.  He finally reaches the stage where Luthor asks, "Don't you have an AA meeting to get to?"  Sparrow tells him "AA's for quitters."  Sparrow introduces himself as a role model to the children to the audience then falls over backwards.  Elizabeth Swann then comes out, also falling down drunk.  She throws up but Jack assures the audience that it's how she keeps her figure.

Someone points above where a very effeminate Superman is standing in the spotlight.  He asks the audience if they like his suit.  "Up up and I'm gay!" he cries and floats gently down to the stage.  Next Selene from Underworld: Evolution comes out and announces she is a death dealer, doing the splits.  Next two women come out and Lex asks who they are.  One explains she is G-Girl from My Super Ex-Girlfriend and the other says she is The Lady in the Water.  Lex points out that the Lady in the Water's nightshirt is revealing too much.  Lex then explains that no one saw their movies and encourages them to go home.  They walk off to The Price is Right loser music.  Lex Luthor asks Bill and Ted if that's all they've got and Bill and Ted say there's supposed to be one more.  Samuel Jackson then rushes on stage with snakes all over him screaming there are snakes in the theater.  He throws one down and shoots it, complaining he was a Jedi Master before ducking into the phone booth and taking off.

Bill and Ted warn Lex to give up or be defeated in a super battle.  Superman gets up and starts doing a gymnastics ribbon routine.  To counter, Juggernaut gets up and does a dance to Peanut Butter Jelly Time.  Luthor screams for them to stop and kill the good guys.  The battle begins with everyone running after each other on stage.  Jack Sparrow and Magneto have a showdown with Magneto using his CGI man to wield his swords, then angry when no one can ignore the green man.  Sparrow and Elizabeth fight the CGI man then Sparrow forces Magneto to drink alcohol, making him drunk.  Sparrow is gloating when Davy Jones appears and they all run off stage.

The phone booth reappears and the male Bill and Ted emerge, then are immediately confronted by their female counterparts.  Bill and Ted explain that they came from two minutes before the show started.  Samuel Jackson then runs out of the phone booth covered in stuffed squirrels and crying that there are squirrels in the phone booth then throws a squirrel down and shoots it.  He leaves and the female Bill and Ted explain that they need to find Lex Luthor so he can turn them back into boys.  Silas then appears and tells Bill and Ted they must be punished.  Bill and Ted push their female counterparts to Silas to hold him off, when someone comes out of the audience.  It's Nacho from Nacho Libre, who comes down on the stage.  Bill and Ted wonder how he's going to help them since everyone knows wrestling is fake.  Nacho throws some moves at Silas, who simply whips him in return.  Nacho retreats, pushing the female Bill and Ted back at Silas.

Selene comes out and takes several shots at Silas, all of them missing.  When told she is a lousy shot, Selene points out she's better at looking deadly than being deadly.  She poses for Bill, Ted and Nacho, who all react accordingly.  The female Bill and Ted, tired of being treated so badly by the boys, take matters into their own hands and knock out Silas with a bucket.  Bill, Ted, Nacho and Selene take Silas off stage and leave the female Bill and Ted to find Luthor.  Unfortunately Luthor appears on a balcony above them with a rocket launcher.  Female Bill and Ted divert Luthor's attention by pointing behind him and saying, "Look, it's James Bond!"  When Luthor turns the rocket launcher goes off, sending a fireball into the barn.  Ricky Bobby from Talladega Nights comes running out, crying that he's on fire and racing around the stage, pausing only to greet the ladies, then running off stage.

Luthor complains that was his last rocket and laments that their deaths won't be so quick and painless now.  Davy Jones comes out and says he must release the Kracken, then turns and farts at them.  As they writhe in agony, KITT the car suddenly drives onstage and David Hasselhoff (as Michael) steps out, acting like Napoleon Dynamite.  He approaches Juggernaut, pointing out it isn't nice to pick on defenseless girls.  "Oh, we used to be dudes," Female Ted points out.  "Gross," Hasselhoff sighs.  KITT tells him to be careful and Hasselhoff assures him he can handle fake boobs, since he did Baywatch for twelve seasons.  He pulls off his leather pants to reveal swim trunks.  Juggernaut proceeds to beat the crap out of Hasselhoff as KITT contends he can do nothing to help.  Hasselhoff tries giving Juggernaut a crotch kick but it does nothing and he continues to be pounded.  Hasselhoff starts going for the breasts, which stops Juggernaut.  He finally manages to throw Juggernaut through a window.

After Hasselhoff leaves the female and male Bill and Ted complain that their job is becoming Mission: Impossible.  That theme music plays and Tom Cruise rides out on a motorcycle, followed by Katie Holmes holding their baby.  Female Bill asks if Tom Cruise can help them and he says no, that he's there to open Luthorversal's newest attraction, Tom Cruise's Spaceship Birth.  Katie agrees with Tom them turns to the male Bill and urges, "Call the police!"  Female Ted cries that they can't be on Luthor's side, "Think of your baby!"  Katie pulls the blankets away from the baby and it glows evilly, causing them to comment it's like the baby from The Omen.  A woman's voice then cries out from above "It's all for you, Suri!" and a body hanging from a noose drops down from the rafters.  Samuel Jackson then runs out again, this time covered with babies, and cries for everybody to get out, that there are demon babies in the theater.  He cries about his career again, then runs to the phone booth and takes off, leaving the Bill and Teds behind.

Lex Luthor steps out and thanks TomKat for holding the Bill and Teds there.  He comments that he's glad Paramount fired Tom because he needs him on his team.  "Everyone knows you're nuttier than a squirrel's turd!" Luthor says.  Tom Cruise says he wants the truth and Lex Luthor says, "You can't handle the truth!"  He goes on to explain that Tom was never getting his stupid ride and that he's only blowing up Universal for revenge and that it's all Bill and Ted's fault.  As Nadia's Theme plays in the background, Luthor explains how he send Bill & Ted a friends request on MySpace and they never accepted.  All the Bill and Ted's assure Luthor that they haven't checked their MySpace page for months and if they'd seen his request they would have put him in their top eight.  Luthor is so happy he gives them the Krypton-iPod and says they can have their show back.

Suddenly Tom Cruise snatches the device away from them and goes into a rant which includes the titles of several of his movies.  Katie steps up and tells Tom "You're up Dawson's Creek!" before kneeing him in the crotch and giving the remote back to Luthor.  Lex is ready to turn the female Bill and Teds back when they stop him, saying it's the part of the show where everyone dances for no reason and that it would be nice to have someone to dance with.  The phone booth reappears and Jay and Silent Bob step out with a boom box, ready to start the dancing.

Instead the song Come Sail Away starts and Jack Sparrow gets up to sing it, then everyone joins in to dance.  This dissolves into the usual finale dance song montage with the entire cast dancing and singing amongst the audience. 

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Bill and Ted?s Excellent Adventure characters and images ? & ? 1989, 2003 Creative Licensing Corporation. All Rights Reserved.