2003

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SHOW SCRIPT
(NOTE: This is a script from the 2003 Universal Studios Bill & Ted show.  Certain parts of the show were different when finally staged.  Also this script contains some adult humor - so you've been warned!)

BILL AND TED ALMIGHTY

Contributors:
Mike Aiello
Kenny Babel
Gregg Birkhimer
Rick Spencer

UNIVERSAL ORLANDO

September 07, 2003

DRAFT 13.1

As our guests enter the theater they are greeted to sounds of rock and roll music.  Patterned lighting moves throughout the theater.  Across the main rag, an emblazened lighted logo reads "Bill and Ted Almighty."

5 MINUTES TO SHOW

The house lights begin to dim.  Walk-in music begins to fade as we hear a walkie-talkie like VO.

STAGE MANAGER VO

Five minutes, everyone.  Places.  Places please.  We need a stage tech for a lighting and sound status check.

MUSIC: INSTRUMENTAL UNDERSCORING (:15)

A small pool of light forms at stage left.  A figure is crouched in the center of the light with his back to the audience.  He turns his head to face the crowd and we see it is none other than GOLLUM from Lord of the Rings Trilogy.  GOLLUM is wearing a loincloth and a technician tool belt.

GOLLUM
Precious, my precious.

He begins to dance around in the pool of light singing a song.

GOLLUM
The pool of light is very bright . . .

GOLLUM produces a prop hand held microphone and begins to bang on the top of the element.  His booming voice is heard, with a trace of feedback.

GOLLUM
. . . and the sound is sweeeet!

MUSIC: BEATBOX (:10)

GOLLUM beat boxes, complete with hip-hop moves.  He finishes in an ?eastside? pose.

STAGE MANAGER VO
Ahh . . . okay, great.  Could you bring the projector out and run the pre-show trailer?

GOLLUM
Gollum not ready.  Must eat, precious.

GOLLUM turns to retrieve his Igloo cooler.

STAGE MANAGER VO
Excuse me, but you?re a computer generated image.  Why do you need to eat?

GOLLUM
Union rules.  Must have break . . . to eat.

STAGE MANAGER VO
(annoyed at the delay)
What does a CGI character eat anyway?

GOLLUM
(producing CLOWN FISH)
Computer generated lunch!

CLOWN FISH pleas for assistance.

VO
You?ve gotta help me find me son!

GOLLUM stares at the fish, then repeatedly begins to bang the fish on the stage floor.

VO
My son!  Son . . . son of a b****!

GOLLUM turns upstage to devour the fish.  Afterwards he turns and produces the boney skeleton.

STAGE MANAGER VO
Nice.  The projector!?

GOLLUM wheels out a projector and sets it centerstage.

GOLLUM
Movie time . . . movie time.

GOLLUM flips a switch on the projector and scampers off stage.  Black and white film, in old school documentary style is projected onto the main rag.

MUSIC: INSTRUMENTAL UNDERSCORING (:55)

NARRATOR
(cheese ball voice)
Alright boys and girls.  It?s now time for . . . "A brief history of Bill and Ted."

TITLE CARD: A BRIEF HISTORY OF BILL AND TED.

NARRATOR
This is Bill and Ted.

We see a cheesy photo of BILL S. PRESTON, ESQ. and TED "THEODORE" LOGAN.

NARRATOR
This is their phone booth that travels through time.

We see images of the phone booth traveling through time, along with their screaming faces pressed against the glass.

NARRATOR
You are at their show.

Cartoony caricature of a guest.

NARRATOR
WARNING: This show contains rock ?n roll.

Photo of BILL and TED with a Rolling Rock beer.

NARRATOR
If you are caring for a young child,

Picture of Michael Jackson dangling baby over the balcony.

NARRATOR
. . . or a really old person,

Picture of Keith Moon.

NARRATOR
. . . they may be frightened by these effects.

Picture of a box of Depends undergarments.

NARRATOR
This show contains beautiful girls . . .

We see photos of beautiful women?s faces.

NARRATOR
. . . wearing very revealing clothing.

Picture zooms out to reveal a model wearing very revealing clothing.

NARRATOR
This show contains hot men . . .

We see photos of good-looking men.

NARRATOR
. . . also wearing very revealing clothing.

Picture zooms out to reveal a morbidly obese man wearing a Speedo.

NARRATOR
If you are offended by any of these things . . . PANSY (cough) . . . leave the theater now.

House lights at full.

NARRATOR
Holy Land Horror Nights is right up I-4.  If you leave now you may be able to catch the Barnabas and Thaddeus Show: Sins Of Omission.  Go!  Go now!  No one will laugh at you . . . we promise.

A laugh track is heard.

NARRATOR
Haaha . . . hmm.  (NARRATOR clears throat).  Excuse me.  Where was I . . . oh yeah.  And for the rest of you, keep you?re a** in the seat . . . for the safety of our performers.  So, sit back.  Relax.  Because - WE WILL ROCK YOU!

House lights at half.

MUSIC: WE WILL ROCK YOU (1:05)

High-energy, pulsating lights.  As the anthem hits its crescendo, the lighting changes setting the mood for a Georgian chant.  The house is in blackout.

MUSIC: SMELLS LIKE TEEN SPIRIT (:26)

Entering from back of house, three nuns dressed in blue habits make their way down the stairs to the stage.

MUSIC: SEND ME AN ANGEL (:50)

A distinguished male VO is heard.

CHARLIE VO
"Once upon a time there were three very different little girls . . . who grew up to be three very different women . . . but they have three things in common . . . they?re bright, they?re beautiful . . . and they work for me . . . my name is Charlie."

As they approach the thrust, the main rag once again comes to life.  A familiar speaker box comes into focus.  The ANGELS react to video as if it were live.

CHARLIE VO
Hello Angels.

CHARLIES ANGELS
Charlie!

CHARLIE VO
|No time for chitchat. Here?s the plot.

NATALIE COOK
Plot?  What?s a plot?

All Angels scratch their heads in complete bewilderment.  A computer generated image of a REVOLVING REMOTE CONTROL appears on screen.

CHARLIE VO
This, Angels, is the ?I Control? Reality Remote.  It was developed by a scientist who put it on eBay, and a gentleman in the Caribbean was the highest bidder.  But THE PRECIOUS REMOTE was mailed to Bill and Ted by mistake.

ALEX MUNDAY
What do you mean control reality?

CHARLIE VO
Just as a computer generated imaging is changing the way our movies are being made, this device can change reality itself.  Fast forward, rewind, slo-mo, get the picture?

NATALIE
Is that bad?

The video switches back to the speaker box.

CHARLIE VO
Yes Natalie, that?s bad.  So we think Bill and Ted are headed to the Kit Kat Club in Chicago.  You are to go there, pose as dancers, get the remote and destroy it before it falls into the wrong hands . . . and Angels, be careful.

Video ends.  The three ANGELS turn around for the first time.

DYLAN SANDERS
All right girls, let?s do what we do!  Wooo!  Chicago!

SHOW START

MUSIC: LOVE IS A CRIME (2:30)

High-energy dance number.  The three ANGELS strip off their electric blue nuns habits revealing their ?pussy cat club? costumes from their most recent movie.  The main rag flies revealing the set and silhouetted dancers backlit in red.  Two female dancers are spotlighted and provide the lead action in a splashy opening number.

As the number concludes, we hear electricity sounds from the back of the house.  Fog and CO2 fill the stage right upper deck, while blue light pours from behind.  The CO2 begins to clear as a shiny metal phone booth becomes visible.  The door opens and out run out heroes, BILL S. PRESTON, ESQUIRE and TED ?THEODORE? LOGAN.

Opening dance number concludes.

BILL S. PRESTON, ESQ.
Whoa, dude!  Once again, a most righteous entrance.

BILL has the reality remote on his belt.

TED ?THEODORE? LOGAN
I would totally have to agree my most excellent friend.  Is this the club?

BILL
Yeah, dude, check it out.  Hot half naked babes, most excellent music, and a room full of drunken people.  This is definitely the place to score some totally bodacious a**.

TED
Yeah! . . . and Bill, with that new belt buckle you got in the mail, you are most guaranteed to get noticed.

ANGELS approach BILL and TED.

BILL
Check it out Ted, I think it?s already working.

DYLAN
Are you Bill and Ted?

BILL AND TED
Station!

The teens run centerstage to deliver their patented introduction.

BILL
I am Bill S. Preston, Esquire!

TED
And I am Ted ?Theodore? Logan!

BILL AND TED
And together we are Wyld Stallyns!

They do their signature air guitar riffs.  Lighting matches the riff and then returns to normal.

NATALIE
I think we found them girls.

ALEX
You are so blonde.

DYLAN
You have something we need.

BILL
Hot dancers want us Ted!

DYLAN
No.  You don?t understand.  You?ve got a powerful tool . . .

DYLAN points to the belt buckle (remote).  BILL and TED think she is pointing to their man goods.

BILL AND TED
Yes!!

NATALIE
. . . of enormous importance.

BILL AND TED
Excellent!!

BILL and TED do their signature air guitar movement.

ALEX
It?s a doomsday device that can control the entire world.

BILL AND TED
What?!

TED
Now you?re getting freaky.

BILL
I think they mean my belt buckle dude.

BILL takes the remote off his belt and gestures it towards the ANGELS.  They react as if it were a loaded weapon.

DYLAN
Be careful!

The ?REWIND? symbol on the video screen is displayed.  Strobes and lighting ignite around the ANGELS.  The ANGELS begin to perform all their dialogue and movement in reverse.

In the confusion, BILL randomly hits several buttons, then hits ?FAST FORWARD? and ?STOP?.  The ?STOP? button is displayed on the video screen.  (Throughout the show, symbols appear on the video screen for visual recognition of remote commands.)

BILL AND TED
Whoa!

TED
How?d you do that?

BILL shrugs and hits ?PLAY?.

DYLAN
You?ve got a powerful tool . . .

BILL hits ?PAUSE?.  He looks at TED. BILL again hits ?PLAY.?

NATALIE
. . . of enormous importance.

TED AND BILL
Excellent!

ALEX
Give me that.

All the ANGELS go for BILL and TED.  As they struggle for the remote the ?PAUSE? button is pressed.  The ?PAUSE? symbol is on the screen as all five characters freeze in compromising positions.  Lighting on stage darkens.  The sound of wind begins.  Thunder and lightning shake the theater.  Fog begins to form at house right, as data flashes enhance the fog.  An ominous voice echoes throughout the theater.

PIRATE VO
Dead men tell no tales.

MUSIC: THEME FROM EXCALIBUR (:33)

Pushing through the fog is a huge shopping cart.  Inside is CAPTAIN BARBOSSA, who leads the charge.  A pirate flag whips in the breeze with the Jackass symbol plastered across the body of the flag.  Pushing the cart is JOHNNY KNOXVILLE and WEE-MAN.  BARBOSSA?S movements are that of an animatronic figure.  His lower body is fixed to a rolling dolly and on his shoulder sits a mechanical cymbal monkey.

CAPTAIN BARBOSSA
Push me laddies!  Push!  We?re almost there!

The cart is pushed through the house aisle and turns down the center thrust onto stage right.

BARBOSSA
Aye! This be the place me crew of Jackasses.  Petty officer Knoxville?

JOHNNY KNOXVILLE
Aye, Captain.

BARBOSSA
Dinghy report.

KNOXVILLE
Dinghy is in order, Sir!

WEE MAN kicks KNOXVILLE in the crotch.

WEE MAN
. . . and the cannon balls have been stowed.

WEE MAN and KNOXVILLE laugh hysterically.  BARBOSSA rolls onto stage and indicates the remote.

BARBOSSA
There it is me boys.  The one treasure that will rid me of this dreaded animatronic curse.  The reality remote.

BARBOSSA rolls over to the frozen group and grabs the remote.

BARBOSSA
Stand back lads.

WEE MAN pulls BARBOSSA backward as we hear the familiar signal of a vehicle backing up.  BARBOSSA ?UNPAUSES? the ANGELS, BILL and TED. T he group comes to life as the ?PLAY? symbol appears on the screen.  The group searches for the remote.

TED
Whoa!  Where did it go?

Seeing BARBOSSA and his henchmen, the ANGELS strike a kicka** pose.

BARBOSSA
What do ya suppose we should be doin? with these landlubbers?

KNOXVILLE AND WEE MAN
WE WANTS THE REDHEAD!

BILL
Ted! Do you know who that is?

TED
Yeah! We totally love your cereal Captain Crunch!

ALEX
No! That?s Captain Barbossa of the Black Pearl - genius.  He was the highest bidder on eBay.

BILL
Wait!  Are you Blackheart?

BARBOSSA
I be he.

TED
Dude!  He speaks ebonics . . . and he?s not even black.

DYLAN
What are you planning to do with the remote?

BARBOSSA
Well, me lass, me plan goes like this.

BARBOSSA?S dialogue and lightning fades to black.  The group?s actions continue as BARBOSSA pantomime?s his plan in slo-mo.

MUSIC: THE PINK PANTHER THEME (:38)

Creeping around the corner, in a cheesy camel suit, is none other than ?Master?s of Disguise? - OSAMA BIN LADEN and SADDAM HUSSEIN.

OSAMA
Do you think they know we are here Saddam?

SADDAM
Impossible my turban wearing friend.  We are camel-flaged.  My plan is working flawlessly wouldn?t you agree.

OSAMA
Well, sure.  If your plan was to get your a** kicked by the Americans on your own soil, flee the country, dress up in a camel suit, end up on stage at an annual show that spoofs the years events that stars two eternally juvenile heroes by the name?s of Bill and Ted.  Then, yea.

SADDAM
As I said, my plan is working perfectly.  Because now we are here in the land of the free, home of the whopper.

OSAMA
Biggie sized!

OSAMA gooses SADDAM, then gives him an "all knowing look."

SADDAM
And when the time is right, the reality remote will be in my hands.

OSAMA
Ah yes, very nice.  And then we?ll be ripe with the bling bling.  But Saddam, do you think that living in America is going to change us?

MUSIC: JENNY FROM THE BLOCK - INSTRUMENTAL (:23)

SADDAM
Nonsense my little Sand Pumpkin.

Instrumental version of JLO?s song begins.  SADDAM sings his version of SADDAM FROM IRAQ.

Number concludes.

OSAMA
I am raising off the roof!

SADDAM
Wave your hands like you are caring!

They walk stage left.

SADDAM
We will hide here until the time is right.

OSAMA
Where?

SADDAM pushes a button concealed on a touch pad affixed to the set.

FEMALE COMPUTER VOICE
Please state password.

SADDAM does a ?turkey call? as a secret passage magically opens up. Inside, dance lights and familiar music thumps.

MUSIC: (WHOOP!) THERE IT IS (:20)

OSAMA
OOOH!  A themed rumpus room!  Does it have bunk beds?

OSAMA runs inside still talking.

OSAMA
I want to be on top!

SADDAM
You?re always on top, when will I have the pleasure of being on top.

SADDAM rushes inside and does his ?turkey call.?  The passage automatically shuts.  Lights fade up on BARBOSSA and his enwrapped, horrified listeners.

BARBOSSA
. . . and that?s when I knew a man could know the loving touch of his monkey.

The monkey on BARBOSSA?S shoulder clangs its cymbals in joy.

BILL
Dude, a pirate?s life is most definitely not for me.

BARBOSSA
Enough flapping of the gums!  Aye!  Somethin? ?bout a floggin? that brings out the best in me.

KNOXVILLE and WEE MAN pull out baseball bats and motion for the captives to move towards their most certain demise.  BARBOSSA?S face magically morphs into his true skeleton self.  (UV Wildfire fixtures)  KNOXVILLE and WEE MAN notice BARBOSSA?S transformation.

KNOXVILLE
Whoa, whoa, whoa.  Hold the phone chief.  When do we get the cool undead skeleton powers?

WEE MAN
Yeah!

BARBOSSA
Well, I suppose this is as good a time as any.  Only by the light of the full moon will the true form be revealed.

KNOXVILLE looks to the sky.

KNOXVILLE
Dammit!  There?s no full moon tonight.

BARBOSSA
No problem.

BARBOSSA turns around and pulls down his pants and moons KNOXVILLE and WEE MAN.  We hear a crescendo of music and KNOXVILLE and WEE MAN?S skeleton form is revealed on the satellite stage, above the booth.

BILL
Put away your butt . . . Pirate.

KNOXVILLE and WEE MAN begin hitting each other wildly laughing.

BARBOSSA
Enough!  Bring them to their deaths.  Nothin? can stop me now!

We hear a muffled ?turkey call? from behind the secret door.  It opens, again with music and lighting.  SADDAM and OSAMA enter scene.

MUSIC: GET BUSY (:20)

OSAMA
I beg to differ Captain Barbarella.

BILL
(to TED)
Dude!  It?s Cheech and Chong.

TED
(to BILL)
No, dude!  It?s Juan Valdez . . . and his a**.

OSAMA
Silence!  I am Osama ?Big O? bin Laden.

SADDAM
And I am Saddam Elizabeth Hussein.

OSAMA
Your middle name is Elizabeth?

SADDAM
Shut up!

SADDAM AND OSAMA
And together we will take over the world.

They do a Muslim-esque jig that resembles the famed "Chicken Dance."  SADDAM and OSAMA finish with a flourish.

TED
(to BILL)
That was so wrong, dude.

SADDAM
You will give us the Reality Remote.

BARBOSSA
And why should I be doin? that?

SADDAM
It?s in the pirate?s code.  I quote - Ummm . . . (obviously making the following up) "Any pirate with a reality changing remote must forfeit said remote to the nearest Iraqi."  Ohh, who could that be?  Ohh!  It is me.  I win!

BARBOSSA
A pirate must live and die by the code.  As I always say - "Dead men tell . . . men tell . . . men tell nooooooo ta."

BARBOSSA visually begins to break down, due to his animatronic curse.  BARBOSSA freezes.  "Dead men tell no tales" continues to repeat itself over and over.  GOLLUM enters with his tool belt and opens the back end of BARBOSSA and begins to work on him, pulling wires and electrical components from his a** at the same time Gollum makes a lunge for THE PRECIOUS.  We hear . . .

ATTRACTIONS V.O.
Ladies and Gentlemen, we apologize for the interruption in your experience.  To preserve the dignity of our presentation there will be no flash photography.  (flash bulbs ignite)  Come on, what did I just say . . .  Whatever . . . this character will resume shortly.

SADDAM walks to BARBOSSA and snatches the remote.  GOLLUM pushes BARBOSSA offstage.

SADDAM
It is time for world domination!

MADISON LEE
Not so fast So-Damn-Insane!

MADISON LEE enters from back of house, followed by the TWINS from Matrix Reloaded.  They make their way to the stage.

SADDAM
Who interrupts me?  (looks around)  Oh, Madison baby.

OSAMA
(with disdain)
You know her?

SADDAM
Yeah, we had a thing.

MUSIC: POUR SOME SUGAR ON ME (:25)

MADISON
Give it up Saddam!  You know what I want.

OSAMA
To go through a female mid-life crisis, revive your career, date extremely younger dudes, embarrass Bruce Willis, steal this remote and rule the world.

MADISON
Lucky guess, Ashton.

Turns to the TWIN on her right.

MADISON
Kutcher.

Turns to the TWIN on her left.

MADISON
Be good little boy toys and bring me that remote.

The TWINS begin to run onto the stage towards OSAMA and SADDAM. MADISON walks behind.

BILL
It?s horrible dude.

TED
Are you afraid of ghosts?

BILL
No.  White dudes . . . with dreads.

The TWINS continue toward SADDAM.

SADDAM
(to TWINS)
Not so fast Mary Kate and Ashley.

SADDAM presses remote as we hear downloading sounds.  The TWINS jerk and shake.

MADISON
What are you doing to my cradle robbed honeys?

SADDAM
Observe.

MUSIC: BLAME IT ON THE RAIN (:24)

The TWINS do a quick choreographed Milli Vanilli routine.

Number concludes.

OSAMA
And now these lip syncer?s will terminate you . . . threateningly hot older lady.

The TWINS converge on MADISON.

MADISON
Observe!

MADISON drops her fur coat revealing her Victoria Secret clad body.  SADDAM is unaffected by her.

SADDAM
Ha!  Been there, done that.  And besides I have something much better now.  Show her Sand Pumpkin.

MUSIC: DUDE LOOKS LIKE A LADY (:16)

OSAMA lifts his tunic to show that he is wearing the same exact Victoria Secret selection on his lower body.  OSAMA lifts his tunic up to reveal he is also wearing the same bra.

OSAMA
I don?t think you?re ready for this jelly . . . cause my body is bootylicious.

OSAMA, in the moment, twirls around to reveal his incredibly hairy posterior.  The cast is paralyzed . . . in shock and awe.

BILL
Dude.  I?m disgusted . . . but can?t look away.

GOLLUM rolls BARBOSSA back onstage.

ATTRACTIONS VO
Please remain seated, keeping your arms and hands inside the friggin? boat.  Enjoy the rest of your stay at The Tragic Kingdom.

BARBOSSA
Teeeellll nnooo tales!

BARBOSSA returns to full animation and steps off his rolling dolly.

GOLLUM
It?s alivvvveee!

BARBOSSA
(to GOLLUM)
What did I miss?

GOLLUM points to the Victoria Secret clad MADISON.

BARBOSSA
Shiver me timbers!

GOLLUM points to the Victoria Secret clad OSAMA.

BARBOSSA
What the F*%@?

GOLLUM scampers offstage, as the TWINS begin to converge on MADISON.  She recoils.

MADISON
(to BILL and TED)
Boys?  If you help me out, I?ll make it worth your while.

BILL AND TED
MILF alert!

TED
Even though she?s an evil psycho b****, maybe we should help her out?

MUSIC: PIRATE FANFARE (:16)

Our focus is shifted high above the theater.  CAPTAIN JACK DANIELS is swaggering from above with a rope.

CAPTAIN JACK
Never fear laddies.  Captain Jack is here.  I?ll help the bonnie lass.

JACK swings in to assist, but misjudges and knocks MADISON off the upper deck with a scream.  JACK is oblivious as he walks over to the Victoria Secret clad OSAMA.

JACK
I?m here to save . . .  Eww? (sees OSAMA up close)  You look much better from up there.

OSAMA slaps JACK.

JACK
I?m not sure I deserved that.

JACK passes out cold.

TED
There is only one person who can save us now.

BILL AND TED
Neo!

MUSIC: RELOAD (:20)

Video component enhances the Matrix trio?s entrance.  Rising from behind the mezzanine and steeped in harsh green lights - NEO, TRINITY, and MORPHEUS appear.  The ANGELS take cover.

NEO
Hi?ya fellas.

BARBOSSA
Well, if it ain?t the flying friggin? Walendas.

MUSIC: NEO RELOAD (:24)

NEO crouches down and pushes off the upper level and flies down to the lower level thrust.

BARBOSSA
That was a nice trick.

BILL
(to TED)
That guy totally looks like you Ted.

TED walks over to NEO and they both get a good look at each others face.

TED AND NEO
That?s my face.

TED
Whoa!

NEO
Whoa!

TED AND NEO
Whhhoooaaa!

BARBOSSA
(to KNOXVILLE and WEE MAN)
Get him you fools!  He?s still only human.

SADDAM pushes ?PAUSE? as the stage action freezes.

OSAMA
Ohh, Saddam!  There is going to be a rumble.  It would be much more fun to watch them get their a**es beat to a soundtrack.  That would make me very happy.

SADDAM
I like Christina Aguilera.  She?s a lot of woman.

SADDAM presses the remote and CHRISTINA AGUILERA appears - in a fat suit.

MUSIC: GENIE IN A BOTTLE (:12)

OSAMA
No, no!  I could in sync my teeth into that teen hottie - Justin Timberfake.

OSAMA brandishes the remote and out pops JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE on command.

MUSIC: SMOOTH CRIMINAL (:18)

OSAMA
I could justify stripping his timber by the lake.

SADDAM
Well then.  Let?s party!

SADDAM hits ?PLAY?, and the choreographed action ensues - complete with a remixed soundtrack of their choosing.

MUSIC: TBD - MATRIX, JUSTIN, CHRISTINA MIX (2:00)

WEE MAN and KNOXVILLE run for the Matrix trio, who raise up into the air.  TRINITY runs over to a step unit and kicks off it into KNOXVILLE?S head.  WEE MAN kicks MORPHEUS in the crotch which sends him into the air.  NEO runs over to WEE MAN and begins laying into him.  TRINITY runs towards BARBOSSA.  BARBOSSA pulls out a pistol and aims at TRINITY.

BARBOSSA
I feel bad ruining a beautiful face like that.

BARBOSSA fires the pistol as everything slows down, inclusive of movements, voices and music.  TRINITY bends underneath the path of the bullet, as everything returns to normal speed.

TRINITY
I feel bad for making you miss.

SADDAM
Whoa, whoa, whoa!  What in the green hell was that!  Look at me, I?m so cool!  Look at me, I can dodge bullets.  Knoxville!  Eliminate them!

KNOXVILLE runs into the middle of the stage.  MORPHEUS and TRINITY begin pummeling him, through dance.  KNOXVILLE takes every hit and laughs hysterically.  SADDAM dances with CHRISTINA, as OSAMA grinds with JUSTIN.  The flight sequence ends with the Matrix trio defeated and weary.

KNOXVILLE
(to NEO)
Come on! Hit me, pretty boy! I dare ya!

MORPHEUS
(oblivious to KNOXVILLE?S proximity)
HEAR ME!

MORPHEUS backhands KNOXVILLE to the stage floor.  KNOXVILLE rolls around in pain.

KNOXVILLE
Mother %$#@er!

SADDAM
Hey!  Hear this!

SADDAM presses a random remote button.  Strobe effect.  The letters ?BET? appear on the video screen.

MORPHEUS
SSSOOOUUULLL TTTRRRAAAIIINNN!!!

SADDAM presses remote again.  The letters ?SAP? appear on the video screen.

MORPHEUS
Sabado Gigante!

SADDAM presses remote again.  The letters ?GAY? appear on the video screen.

MORPHEUS
Welcome back to Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, where we take you from drab to fab!

SADDAM
Enough, I grow tired of you people.

MORPHEUS
YOU PEOPLE!?!?

MORPHEUS clasps his hands over his mouth and runs offstage.  SADDAM presses the remote.  Strobe effect.  SADDAM hits ?FAST FORWARD? as all the good guys are forcibly fast forwarded into the makeshift jail.

BILL
(from behind bars)
Great!  Now what do we do?

NATALIE AND TRINITY
You?ll never get away with this Saddam!

DYLAN AND ALEX
You?re hopelessly outnumbered!

SADDAM
Did I hit the stereo button on this b****?  Shut up I say!  I place a jihad on your skinny, but hot - little a**es.

SADDAM hits the remote ?MUTE? button. The girls keep talking but no sound comes out.

SADDAM
Holy crap!  They should put one of these on every woman.  And now, if there are no further interruptions - Prepare for the jihad . . !

The phone booth telephone rings.

SADDAM
Dammit!  Every damn time I get ready . . .

The captive do-gooders look in the direction of the phone booth.  OSAMA answers.

OSAMA
Hello.  This is Saddam and Osama?s Excellent Adventure.

VO CALLER
Mr. O-Sa-Ma, I?m calling on behalf of your local telephone service provider . . .

OSAMA
I am sorry we are not knowing about being interested right now . . .

VO CALLER
(the caller's voice changes)
. . . hang up the phone and I swear I?ll kill you where you stand.

OSAMA
Not interested.

CAPTAIN PIMP (VO)
(the callers voice changes again)
What up cuz?  It?s tha Snoop D-O-double Gizzle in da hizzle.

The ANGELS point towards the arriving CAPTAIN PIMP.

ANGELS
Look!

MUSIC: UNDERCOVER BROTHER (:19)

Lights sweep into the aisle.  CAPTAIN PIMP rolls in on a little girl?s bicycle.

CAPTAIN PIMP
What?s happening, b****es?

ANGELS
Captain Pimp Doggy Dog!

PIMP
What up Angels?  Did someone put out an Angel 911?

DYLAN
Yeah, that was us.

ALEX
Hurry Captain.  Get us outta here.

PIMP indicates the rather large holes within the design of the jail bars.

PIMP
Damn baby.  You can crizzle right outta that hizzle.

The ANGELS all escape and hug PIMP.

ALEX
Did you bring back-up?

PIMP
I brought the Ang-Hoes!

BILL AND TED
Excellent!

PIMP
And here they come nizzle.

OSAMA and SADDAM watch helplessly.

MUSIC: YOU CAN LEAVE YOUR HAT ON (:19)

We see STRIPPERALLA slide down a fireman?s pole affixed to the upper deck.

STRIPPERALLA
My belly ring began to flash and vibrate.  I let it go off twice.  I came as soon as I could.

PIMP
I?m sure you did baby.

MUSIC: SIMPLY IRRESISTIBLE (:14)

LARA CROFT drops from the ceiling, near the tech booth.

LARA CROFT
This had better be good Snoop.  I was chest deep in a tomb.

PIMP
Prob?ly visiting yo? ugly a** ex-billy-bizzle.  Last and certainly least, here comes my Scratch and Denthizzle.

MUSIC: THE PRICE IS RIGHT (:20)

APPLIANCE DIRECT GIMP rises from behind the set on the scissor lift, complete with washer and dryer.

APPLIANCE GIMP
Wow!!!  See it all and save . . . it?s in the box!!!

PIMP
Trust me, my brother, if you pay retail for that tail . . .

APPLIANCE GIMP
. . . you paid too much!

OSAMA clings to SADDAM

OSAMA
(to SADDAM)
Look at all of them?

SADDAM
They are only women!  What are you worried about?

The ANGELS and the ANG-HOES strike a fierce pose.

OSAMA
Ooooo . . . Quick!  Take it back!

MUSIC: KUNG-FU FIGHTING #1: (:27)

The characters break into melees and match-ups, as the remote is passed like a hot potato throughout the choreographed chaos.

SADDAM tries to run, but the GIMP covers his mouth, preventing his voice recognition.  The ANGELS do battle on the fly system.  STRIPPERELLA distracts JOHNNY and WEE MAN with her dance moves.  The TWINS converge on TRINITY.  GIMP takes on BARBOSSA.  LARA whips OSAMA?S a**.

GIMP
(exasperated)
I can?t seem to lick this salty sea man! . . .
What?  He?s a PIRATE!

MUSIC: KUNG-FU FIGHTING #2 (:30)

BILL coaches the GIMP from behind bars.

BILL
Hey, Appliance Direct Lady - he?s a machine!

TED
Yeah!  Like a washing machine.

A change comes over the GIMP, as she launches into her commercial spiel.

GIMP
Machine?!?!  In that case . . . if you bought retail . . . you paid too much . . . and waited for it!

GIMP b**** slaps BARBOSSA - hard.  BARBOSSA?s head snaps to the side, and we hear two heavy, metal objects hit the floor.

BARBOSSA
My ball bearings!

MUSIC: KUNG-FU FIGHTING #3 (:20)

The ANGELS are all in martial arts mode, suspended high above the stage.  NATALIE has the remote.

OSAMA
(to NATALIE)
Oh, miss?  I can see up your dress.

NATALIE drops the remote as she tries to cover herself.  The remote drops into OSAMA?S hands.

NATALIE
I?m not wearing a dress!

CAST
You are so blonde!

As the choreographed frenzy concludes, the ANGELS are lowered into the bad guys waiting arms. SADDAM has managed to get the remote back in his possession.

SADDAM
Victory is mine!  AH-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAAA!  (to ANGELS)  Jihad on you!  And you!  And Jihad on Bill and Ted who started this whole business with their "Whoa?s" and "Dudes"!

TED
Whoa!

BILL
Dude!

SADDAM
And Jihad on you!

(He points at BARBOSSA)

BARBOSSA
I?m on yer side, ye scurvy dog!

SADDAM
Not you, your monkey.  He "Shiited" in my raspberry beret.

MUSIC: RASPBERRY BERET (:12)

Reality T.V. Host enters.

REALITY T.V. HOST
(laughing)
Hey, Hussein in the membrane.  Dude - You?ve been Punk?d!

SADDAM
Who the hell are you?!

HOST
Nice work, Angels.

SADDAM
Punked?  What is this meaning of ?punked??

OSAMA
Oh, I love that show!  It?s like Candid Camera!  He is the host and plays practical jokes on unsuspecting morons.

SADDAM
(realizing the situation)
We?ve been setup?

OSAMA
(looking around, joyous)
Where is the camera?

The good and bad guys high five and congratulate each other.

HOST
We just had to keep you bad boys busy until the place was surrounded.

All around the theatre, search lights from helicopters and flashing emergency lights grow in the distance.  Just then, FBI AGENTS drop in on rappels.

MUSIC: TBD FANFARE (:05)

FBI AGENT #1
By the order of the United States of America you two dirtbags have to come with us!

FBI AGENT #2
Yeah, we tracked your remote.

SADDAM
Well!  It seems you have the element of surprise, which leaves me one choice!

SADDAM throws a pellet down on the ground expecting a huge smoke screen to hide their escape.  However, it only explodes into a tiny burst of smoke.  SADDAM and OSAMA scurry around trying to find someplace to hide.

SADDAM AND OSAMA
(running)
You don?t see us.  No lookie!

SADDAM and OSAMA run foolishly around the stage.  Searchlights follow them to the upper deck.

SADDAM
You may see me now, but I am a master of disguise.

OSAMA
Saddam, I think I peed my pants!

The spotlights are targeted on OSAMA and SADDAM, as ?helicopters? fly just over head.  A powerful sound effect is heard.  OSAMA and SADDAM look out to the audience, realizing their defeat.

SADDAM AND OSAMA
Oh, shi . . .

OSAMA and SADDAM meet their demise.  A huge pyro strike obliterates the pair.  Harsh white light blinds the audience, as the two actors fall off into an air bag.  The actors are replaced by two (2) smoldering skeletons.  SADDAM?s skeleton still has the remote clutched in his hands.

BILL
Whoa!  That was most unexpected.

TED
It couldn?t of happened to two more heinous guys.

BILL runs to get the remote. He pulls the remote out of the charred fingers of SADDAM.

BILL
Check it out Ted!  The power button on this remote is glowing.

TED
Push it dude!

A blinding light appears overhead.  GOD descends down to the middle of the thrust.  It is a man in a white suit.

MUSIC: RELIGHT MY FIRE UNDERSCORING (:45)

GOD
Sorry I?m late.  I was at Holy Land Horror Nights.  O My Self, it was lame.

BILL
Dude.  What?s what all the light?

GOD
(to BILL and TED)
Do you know who I am?

TED
Are the dude from the Electric Company?

GOD
Well, sort of.  I do live in the Bright House.  Did I miss the finale?

BILL
Almost, Holy Dude.

GOD
Well, then we?d better wrap things up.  What have you learned tonight, boys?

GOD lightly touches down to earth.

BILL
The lesson we learned was - share the remote.

TED
Yeah!  That way there will be peace.

BILL AND TED
So be excellent to one another . . .

GOD
. . . and party on dudes!

MUSIC: DISCO MONTAGE MIX CURTAIN CALL (4:00)

The disco CURTAIN CALL consists of all characters singing and dancing, pyrotechnics, and engaging our guests.  SADDAM AND OSAMA dance with little black wings and tattered clothing.

The main rag closes again revealing the emblazoned lighted logo - "Bill and Ted Almighty."

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