Written by: Zack and Cody Beseda
BILL & TED characters are trademarks of Nelson 1991 Inc. The motion picture BILL & TED'S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE & (c) 1989 Nelson Films Inc. All Rights Reserved. The motion picture BILL & TED'S BOGUS JOURNEY (c) 1991 Orion Pictures Corporation. All Rights Reserved. Feel free to share these stories with your friends, but please don't repost on the web without asking the author's permission first. Thanks!!
NOTE: This story occurs right after Excellent Adventure.
Bill blinked sleepily. He could hardly remember anything. He remembered passing his history report and ... Rufus ... and the time machine. But there was something else. He knew he was happy about something last night, but what was it? He turned lazily to his right. As he shifted, he could feel the presence of another body in the bed with him.
He looked up to see a patch of long black hair on the head under the covers next to him. The babes! Of course, Rufus had brought back the babes! Excellent. Bill reached over and pecked Joanna. Bill put his arm over the body next to him, and closed his eyes again. Almost back to sleep, Bill ignored the shifting of the body beside him. Then he heard a voice. "Dude??" Bill's eyes opened wide to see Ted sitting up next to him in bed. He looked over at the other twin bed next to theirs to find the babes still fast asleep.
They stared at each other shortly. "Fag!" Ted pushed Bill in the chest and slid back under the covers. Bill tried to apologize the best he could. "Dude, I'm totally sorry. I thought you were Joanna," Bill whispered, making sure not to wake the princesses.
Ted turned back over to Bill. "Joanna's blonde, dude." Bill mentally kicked himself. "Oh yea...point duley noted, Ted."
Now totally awake, Bill hopped out of the bed. It was all coming back now. After Rufus had gone back to the future, they had checked into a hotel until the morning when they had promised to help the babes find a new pad. Bill hit Ted in the stomach playfully. "Get up, duder! It's time to consume some much-needed breakfast products." Ted sat up, his hair going every direction. "Should we wake the babes?" Bill shook his head. "Nah, let 'em sleep. We'll just order room service." Ted agreed with this. "Most outstanding idea, mi compadre." Ted pulled down the covers and bounded happily over toward Bill. With one look at Ted, Bill turned away in disgust.
"Put on some pants, dude!" Ted looked down at his naked legs. "Woah! Bogus." He grabbed his grey sweats and black shorts and threw them on. He then returned to Bill who was in the process of ordering breakfast over the phone. He turned to Ted. Ted beamed, happy as ever. Bill paused in between eggs and hash browns and shook his head sympathetically. One thing he could say for Ted, not much got him down.
Ted picked up the remote to the TV and clicked it on. The boring news was on and he attempted to change the channel to no avail. He looked at Bill and shook the remote at him. Bill shrugged.
Bill hung the phone up. The princesses were beginning to stir and Ted opened the blinds. Bill came over to Ted and they both sat down at the small table near the door. Bill cleared his throat. "All right, now where can we find a place for the babes to stay? They can't live with either of us. My dad would kill me and he's the laid-back one." Ted nodded agreeing. The solution to this problem had seemed so easy last night, but now after they had gotten a good night's sleep, they realized money was obviously an obstacle that would need to be overcome. "Now they do have a limited amount on those credit cards Rufus got them, but are there any apartments cheap enough for them to rent?" Bill waited for Ted's answer. After one didn't come he continued. "And they need a job, but what could they be qualified to do besides haul hay? I mean the education system in the Dark Ages-- " Bill stopped as he discovered Ted's mind was elsewhere.
Bill slapped Ted on the shoulder. "Ted?"
Ted jerked up. "Yeah. Right."
"Dude, what's wrong?"
Bill sighed. "Dude, don't pull that. I can read you like a book." Bill stopped. The longest book he had ever read was the instruction manual on how to connect his amps. Anyway, Ted got the point.
"We have a time machine, dude, just sitting in your garage. Think of what we could do with it!" Ted stared at Bill, hoping to see the same enthusiasm from his friend.
"Ted, what could we possibly want to change? We are destined to be the greatest band ever. Bigger than the Beatles and Elvis combined!" Bill grabbed a notepad sitting on the table. "Hey that sounds like a good title for a song!" As he jotted it down, Ted continued to explain.
"But what if I wanted to change something?"
Ted looked totally serious for the first time in as long as Bill could recently remember. "I wanna try to save my mom." Bill looked at Ted. He could tell he was serious. As much as Bill wanted to concentrate on other things, he had thought of Ted's mom almost like his own. He saw no reason why they couldn't try ... except for one.
"What if it changes something?"
"I'm hoping it will. I want to know my mom. I want her to be there when we get our first album recorded. I want--"
Bill cut him off. "But what if saving your mom changes something else, I mean remember Back to the Future?"
Ted stared blankly at Bill. "Bill, that was a movie, dude."
Bill busted into a huge grin. "Duly noted, kimo sabe, but I cannot allow this to occur. If you changed the past it could create a paradox. Put the thought out of your head. I miss your mom too, but its just too risky."
Ted began to argue when he heard a voice. "Theodore, we're hungry." Ted looked up to see Elizabeth and Joanna standing sleepily next to them. Before Ted could say anything there was a knock at the door. Ted jumped up and opened the door. He threw his arms out in excitement. "Perfect timing, room service dude!"
The bellboy pushed in a cart of the food Bill had previously ordered as Ted held open the door. He turned to leave and stopped by Ted. He bluntly opened his hand. Ted looked confused at it, then a look of understanding covered his face. "Wait here, dude." Ted walked to the bed and grabbed the busted remote. He then handed it to the bellboy and shut the door. "We gotta remember this place. I didn't even have to tell 'em it was broke!"
* * *
After eating, the quartet checked out and walked the half-mile to Bill's house. It was as good a place to start as any. Upon approaching the door, yelling could be heard inside. Bill motioned for the rest to stay behind as he checked it out. He opened the door and poked his head in to see a lamp fly by. Bill turned to see Missy yelling and his dad attempting to sputter out some sort of explanation.
"That's all you ever want! Why can't you have a little more discipline? You're just like a little kid!" Missy yelled at the top of her lungs. And what great lungs they were too, Bill noted. He pulled the door shut and turned back to the others. "Uh ... maybe it would be in our better interest if we trek on down to Ted's."
After a few blocks of walking, they arrived at the Logan's front yard. Ted let himself in as his dad was already gone. Ted and Bill slumped down on the couch and the princesses sat in nearby chairs.
Bill clapped his hands together, "Okay, what's the plan?"
Ted held up one finger to Bill and went to the table where that day's newspaper was lying, neatly folded. He went back to the couch and flipped through the classified section to Apartment Rentals. Bill looked on. "Yea dude, good thinkin'. What's it say?" Ted pointed to one ad. "Here's one for $450 a month, but its only got one bed and no pool." Ted looked at Bill and frowned.
Bill consoled him, "Dude, we are not in the market for a housing project to suit only your entertainment needs. A pool is not exactly on the princesses must-have list." Bill turned to the babes. Would you two most bodacious babes have a problem with sleeping on a couch?" The princesses looked at each other. Bill got up and went to Joanna. "Listen, as soon as we graduate, we'll be able to move out of here, and we can all chip in on a good apartment. It's only three weeks. You have your credit cards, and Ted and I will pay your rent for this month. Then ... " Bill looked at Ted and they exchanged broad smiles, "... we can all get a most unprecedented living establishment!"
Joanna smiled, "Excellent, William. As long as we don't have to go back to England."
Ted spoke up, "Oh, not to worry. Those dudes are long dead by now."
"We'll protect you, babes." Bill and Ted spoke in unison. Ted picked up the paper and then walked to the phone. "Now back to the problem at hand." He punched in the numbers and waited for an answer.
"Hello? ... Yes ... I am having an excellent day, thank you! My time-traveling colleague and I are looking for an apartment for our girlfriends and--" Ted stopped and a puzzled look crossed his face. Then he laughed "No, sir, drugs are bad for you ... . oh you do? ... Well we will be there shortly ... you have great day too, dude!" He hung up the phone.
Ted walked to Bill, "Bill, my friend, I am pleased to announce that a room is available at a most reasonable discount price!"
Bill grabbed Joanna by the hand and got up. Ted took Elizabeth and helped her up as well. Suddenly, Bill slapped Ted in the chest with a look of concern. "Dude! We have to set up the keys, the recorder, and the trashcan!" Ted's eyes widened.
"Right, dude! I totally forgot!"
Bill thought quickly, "Look, I'll go borrow Missy's car and drive the babes to the apartment, you get the phone booth, go back and set up the keys and the trashcan. Wait for me to set the recorder, that was way too outstanding for me too miss!" Ted agreed heartily. After a short air guitar, they opened the door and walked out.
"Oh, Ted, give me your wallet."
"What for, dude?"
"We have to help pay for the rent."
"Oh yeah!" Ted handed over his wallet and kissed Elizabeth.
"Good luck, Theodore."
Ted grinned sheepishly, "Thanks!" He then turned to Bill, "Well, we left the booth in my garage, so I'll go set up everything." Bill and the babes went on down the sidewalk as Ted went inside his cluttered garage where the phone booth was stashed. After they took back all the historical figures, Ted decided it was best to hide it here, since his dad always left the police car in the driveway and was hardly ever home anyway.
He went to it and after dragging it outside, he opened up the Circuits of Time book. Making sure no one was around, he punched in three numbers lower than today to take him back three days ago.
* * *
Ted arrived in his own front yard. It surprised him that he arrived around two in the morning. He could tell because no lights were on and his dad never went to bed before one. He walked quietly up to the window and peeked in. Nope, no one there. He went around to his room, where he knew it was unlocked. He and Bill often snuck out at night. He looked in. It was weird to see himself sleeping. He never knew he snored so loud.
Ted opened up the window and crawled in. He sneaked out into the hallway and down into the kitchen where his dad hung his keys. He saw them, hanging as usual. He grabbed them and turned ready to leave. As he did, an unexpected voice scared him nearly to death.
"Ted, what are you doing?" It was Deacon. Crap! Ted mentally kicked himself. Deacon used the bathroom during the night more than anyone he knew. He thought quick.
"Uh, just getting a snack, dude," Ted opened the fridge and brought out a piece of pizza. Smiling he showed it to Deacon. Rolling his eyes, Deacon continued on his way to the bathroom. Ted took that moment to get the heck out of there. He went as quickly and quietly as he could back to his room and out the window. He breathed a sigh of relief as he reached the booth.
He looked at the curb where a trashcan sat. He ran quickly and retrieved it. Back at the booth he punched in the number for two days later.
* * *
Ted arrived back at his house. Thankfully, it was in the middle of the day. By this time, his dad had gotten a ride with another officer and Deacon and MeTed were at school. Ted paused, confused at his own thought process. MeTed? He shrugged. Better than nothing. He took trashcan and went inside his garage as he laughed to himself. He had an idea.
He grabbed some spray paint on a nearby shelf and wrote WYLD STALLYNS RULZ on the side of the trashcan. Well, enough of that, he decided. Better get on to the police station.
* * *
It was a long walk, especially with that trashcan, but he made it. Now to get inside and rig the trashcan to fall when they needed it to. Hmmm, what to do? He shrugged and just walked inside. I mean how could I hide a trashcan this big, he thought. Inside, he set the trashcan next to the front desk so no one could see it. It seemed like the guy who was usually there was on lunch, so that was comforting.
Ted's dad was on the phone and most of the other officers were totally busy. Think quick, Ted. He had to come up with something. He picked up the trashcan and went behind the desk. Grabbing the small waste basket nearby, he dumped it into the large one. He did the same with the ones by the desks. Some of the officers gave him odd looks, but they recognized him as the Captain's son and let it slide.
As he got closer to the cell where he would two days later be freeing historical figures such as Napoleon and Socrates, he dumped it all out into a small waste basket that barely held it all. He fished the keys out of his pocket and unlocked the cell. He quickly ducked inside with the trashcan and looked around. The only inmate was asleep or drunk. Either way he didn't notice Ted.
Now how could he get this to work? He glanced at the inmate. His coat had a cord on it so it could be tightened. Ted walked up to him. "Hey! Old funky, drunk dude. Can I see your coat?" The man took his coat off and handed it to Ted.
The man squinted, "You better put it on. You'll get cold out there."
Ted smiled, thanking him. Taking the cord out, Ted tied one end to the trashcan and threw it over a rafter on the somewhat low ceiling. He caught the other end and pulled the trashcan up all the way. Ted then took the other end and tied it to a hook protruding from the wall. Now all he had to do was be there to untie it when his other self broke out the historical figures.
Ted thought. This was a lot more complicated that it had seemed yesterday. Everything just fell into place. It was becoming more and more difficult, but if it worked then it had to work now, or else it wouldn't have worked. Ted stopped trying to figure it out before he went cross-eyed. He left the cell and snuck back out. Just as he got to the desk, a hand dropped on his shoulder. Ted's heart sank. He looked up to see his dad.
"Ted, what are you doing here?" Captain Logan stared at Ted, waiting for an answer. "I just came to see if you ever found your keys. Well, I guess I'll get back to school." Before Ted could get out of there, his dad stopped him.
"Ted, I suggest instead of worrying about my problems, you worry about your own. Two days from now, Ted, you'll be on a ten-mile run ... " Captain Logan inched closer to Ted's face, "...or doing push-ups until your arms can't move anymore. When I get home I expect your bags to packed and you ready to go." Ted walked out the door. Even though he knew he wasn't going to Alaska, his dad was still threatening to listen to. At least that explained why he had been so mad when he and Bill had come home the night before they collected all their historical figures.
Ted ran back to his house and the booth. The recorder could wait for Bill to get back. Ted began dialing the numbers on the phone. As he hit the sixth number, he stopped. Should he do it? Bill had told him not to, but it wasn't his mom. Ted thumbed through the Circuits of Time book.
"November, 16 1984 ... " he looked up the date and punched it in.
* * *
He arrived on the block of Newton and Main. Two blocks from his house. It was 8:15 pm. Great, he had 20 minutes to run four blocks to Elm Street and save his mom. He could do it. He had to do it. He began running. Man, this was cutting it so short. He ran two blocks and had to start walking. He glanced at his watch. 10 minutes. Maybe he should have dialed in for the day before and just waited. Oh, well. Too late now. Ted remembered just what had happened. He hadn't been there, but from what he gathered, his mom had been driving down Main and another car had run the stop sign on Elm. He didn't know what he'd do yet, but he'd know when he got there.
He looked at his watch again. 5 minutes! A surge of adrenaline pushed him to run the last block. He stopped and looked. There his mom's blue Lincoln sped down Main. He glanced to his right. The other car was coming way too fast, definitely not planning on stopping. Ted jumped out in front of the other car. He waved his arms frantically. He looked back at his mom's car. She had her head down, changing the radio. Ted stopped. It was his fault. He always changed her radio station when he rode in her car. She always complained, but he never listened. He stood frozen as the other car sped toward him. The headlights shined in his eyes and he jumped to the sidewalk just in time to see his mom's car crushed by the other car ... a red Chevy truck. Ted cried out. "Nooooooooo!!!"
He ran to the intwined cars as the driver of the Chevy stumbled out, obviously drunk. Ted pushed him out of the way and he fell back. Ted opened the door to his mom's Lincoln as tears streamed down his eyes. His mom was bleeding bad. He kneeled next to her, knowing nothing could be done. "Mom." He could barely talk. What the heck was he doing? He was 13 in 1984. His mom wouldn't know him from anyone. He put his hand down to push himself up.
"Ted ... " Ted looked back down. His mom was looking up at him.
"Mom, I'm sorry ... . It's all my fault."
"No, Ted, it's ok. It's ok, Ted. Your band ... you'll make it."
Ted cried as his mom drifted off. He got up when he heard sirens and ran off. He returned to the phone booth as a thought hit him. He never told his mom about his band. In fact it was his 15th birthday when he got his first guitar. Perplexed, Ted entered the booth. How did she know about the band? How did she know it was him? She knew that's all that mattered. She knew and she was still with him. Comforted a little, Ted dialed the number home. His mom would see Wyld Stallyns. She'd seen it from the beginning.
* * *
Ted pushed the booth back into its place. He had just shut the door when a red convertible pulled up.
"Hey, dude! How'd it go?" Bill pulled the car into the driveway with the princesses in the back. Ted opened the door to the passenger seat and climbed in.
"Great. Did you get the apartment?"
"Yeah! It's stellar. They have cable!"
Ted smiled softly.
Bill looked at his friend, "What's wrong, dude?"
Ted's smile broadened, "Nothing, dude." He looked back at Elizabeth then at Bill. "Everything is excellent."