Bill & Ted's Heinous Expedition

Written by:
Ty


BILL & TED characters are trademarks of Nelson 1991 Inc. The motion picture BILL & TED'S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE & © 1989 Nelson Films Inc. All Rights Reserved. The motion picture BILL & TED'S BOGUS JOURNEY © 1991 Orion Pictures Corporation. All Rights Reserved.

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Seven years have gone by since the legendary fight at the Battle of the Bands, between the Great Ones and the Dark One.  But the world has been engulfed by darkness by a Necromancer, a master in the malevolent arts.  He goes by the name of Lord Zion.  Two years after the Battle of the Bands, the Seal of Evil that protects our world from the dimension of the Necromancers was destroyed by a ripple in time because of the unwritten time jumps by De Nomolos and his minions.  This is where Zion came from.  When he entered our world he foresaw the future and the destiny of Bill and Ted.  He knew if time went its path, he would be defeated, so he took action and killed the Two Great Ones.  He imprisoned Joanna, Elisabeth, Station, and Death, for they would have no chance of saving Bill and Ted. Our heroes are in Hades once again and fighting their fears as before this is where their third adventure begins.

Bill and Ted are in the never ending tunnels of large steel doors.  Ted has been through three bad years of his life, and Bill has been through four.  They regroup at the center of this damned underworld.  They are both tired, hungry, and worried of what might become of their world.

“Dude, this is non . . . non non … non Heinous!!!” screamed Bill

“Your right, dude. I most definitely had enough of this the first time!” shouted Ted

“I wonder if we can get out of here!” exclaimed Bill

“Most correct, dude!  If there is we better do it quickly!” said Ted

Their greatest and recent fear has been behind them ever since they escaped him from the second door they visited.

“Dude, he’s coming!” shouted Ted

They start to run away until the feared entity said ”I’m the real one, wait!”  The Great Ones stop, the thing they’ve been running from was an evilly pimp up Denomolos.  But this one seemed…normal.

“You…I have been trying to find other life in this god forsaken hole.” said De Nomolos

“Dude, how did you get here?” asked Bill

“The insipid judge gave me the death penalty.” said De Nomolos 

Bill & Ted both said in unison, “EXCELLENT!”  But then De Nomolos just started to chuckle.

“Yes, it would be in your mind’s eye.  But I know of a way to con our way through hell and regain life.” exclaimed De Nomolos

“What, you honestly believe that we will take your word seriously, Dude?  You must think we’re fools.” said Bill

“Actually I think you are.  But when I’m alive and your not, you’ll be sorry.” says De Nomolos

“Chuck, why would you even think of helping us, Dude?” asks Ted

“You’re the only ones who can defeat Zion.  I also know how to do that!” said De Nomolos

“Ok…what do we do?” asks Bill

“We need to prove to Satan that our deaths were too soon, and we went when we weren’t suppose to.  And then we will be given the chance to become alive once more.  Now follow me!” orders De Nomolos 

De Nomolos takes them back atop to speak with Satan himself.  De Nomolos shouts “We demand a retrial!” to Satan, he agrees and does so.  De Nomolos tells big red about the Necromancer, and other things that might win their case.  Satan decides, and comes to a decision.

“Nomolos De Nomolos will stay in hell, forever.  Bill and Ted are free to go.” exclaims Satan

“Excellent!  We can go now!  Hey Evil dude thanks!” says Ted

De Nomolos turns to the Great Ones then back to Satan   

“No!  I have to go also!  My plans will be foiled!  Ah!” screams De Nomolos

“My decision stays.” says Satan

“You were planning on using us!” says Bill

Then they fade away and De Nomolos goes on to his knees and begs Satan to resurrect him.  While he tries that, Bill and Ted wake up right in the middle of fallen San Dimas.  In unison they say “Whoa!” all they see is rubble and ashes.

“Dude, what are we going to do?!” asks Ted  

“I was thinking about that, dude.  The seal thing that he came from, maybe we can make him go back through it.” exclaims Bill

“Excellent!  But how are we going to do that?” asks Ted

“I don’t know” says Bill

They start to get up and wonder how to imprison Zion in the Seal once again.  They think about the Booth, they look at each other, and say “Excellent.”

“Thinking what I’m thinking, duder? asks Bill

“Traveling to the past and stopping that seal from breaking?” asks Ted

“Right on the nose, Ted my friend, right on the nose.” says Bill

They go back to their apartment.  They take down a large picture of the princess’, Rufus, and themselves.  They press a button counter-sinked in the wall, and then a booth appears from the Circuits of Time.  Then Bill turns to Ted and Ted turns to Bill.

“Ready Ted?” asked Bill

“Ready Bill.” said Ted

They walk into the booth; program it to send them two years in the past.  The booth gets sucked back in to the Circuits of Time.  All of a sudden the Great Ones watch as a blinding light engulfs them and the Booth.  They then appear in a vast forest, they look around to see a small hut.

“Dude, where are we?  This isn’t the past.” says Ted

“I don’t know…dude, look, it’s Zion!” shouts Bill

A man that appears to be Zion walks up to the Booth and opens the door.

“My friends, I am no Zion.  I am Vion, a humble mage.” exclaims Vion

Vion then walks away from the Booth.

“May we venture to my small hut?” asks Vion

“Sure, dude…” says Bill

The Greats Ones walk out of the Booth and start to follow Vion to his hut.  They look around the forest to see all kind of mythical creatures ogres, Cyclops, and other beastly beings.

“Dude what’s the deal with all of the exotic monsters?” asked Ted

“Well Theodore, this is another world.  Where all of God’s misunderstood creations seek freedom from the mortals.  I will explain more of this when the time comes.” explains Vion


We see a dark and gruesome tower over looking San Dimas.  A black shadow hovers over it, with a clear green orb in it.  The orb is made from pure dark energy; this is where Lord Zion meditates.  Zion’s eyes open, his expression turns to anger.

“Those wretched mortals are alive?!  How can this be, ah, that so called “evil” fool De Nomolos.  And what is this… Bill and Ted are in…my world!  They're within my brother's forest sanctuary, if Vion believes helping those mortals will be my down fall, he’s dead wrong.” exclaims Zion  

A horrible screeching noise calls through out the land; this is the call for the Death Riders.  A section towards the top of the tower opens and five black-armored demons on the backs of what looks to be flaming birds flies out.

“My Death Riders fly to our world of Analoor, and destroy the legendary heroes of time!  Now on your dark phoenixes and fulfill your orders!” Shouts Zion


Now our heroes are in Vion’s hut speaking to him about the plague his brother has brought to their world.

“William, Theodore, this may be hard to understand but I’ll give it my best shot.  Millions of years ago in this galaxy two worlds were created by the big guy him self.  The two worlds were called, Earth, and Analoor.  Analoor was the home for the creatures you saw out side of this hut.  And Earth was the home of mortals.  On Analoor, Mages of the Silver Circle kept the peace between the creatures; a few mages broke away form the Silver Circle, lead by a Mage that talked of a new order.” explained Vion  

“That Mage dude, I’m guessing is Zion?” asks Bill

“Yes William.  The new order told of freedom across the land for all creatures and Mages.  Of course this was all a lie, Zion eventually turned all Mages evil; they soon called themselves Necromancers.  They practiced a new kind of magic that came from the depths of Hell, it’s called Necromancy.  Zion killed this planet and turned most of the creature’s evil.  The last Mage of the Silver Circle, as an effort to save earth, sent is to a different dimension.  And with the last bit of magic he had, created this forest.  That Mage is the brother of Zion, that mage is me.” exclaimed Vion

Bill and Ted just looked at each other and then back at Vion.

“We’re most apologetic for what happened to your excellent planet.  But it sounds like it’s too late for any of us to save it.  But, we need to worry about our planet and save it!” says Bill

“Yes my friends I know, I used a little bit of magic that the creatures of this forest lend to me to send you guys here.  But I will use my own life force to repair the Dark Seal, it’s the only way.  I will need you guys to distract Zion while I do this.” says Vion

Then Vion fell to the ground, his hut vanished in to thin air.  The Forest that was once around was burning down.

“Dude, what going on?!” shouts Ted

“It’s Zion’s Death Riders, they’re destroying the Forest!  Hurry get back to the Booth!” shouts Vion

“Dude, what about you?” asks Bill

“Don’t worry about me.  I will still be able to repair the Seal, just go!” orders Vion

Bill and Ted run out of the hut, and then the Death Riders spot them.  They start hurling glowing red orbs at them, when the orbs hit the ground all that is left is a crater.  Bill and Ted keep dodging the orbs and eventually make it to the booth.  They return to San Dimas, and plan their distraction for Zion. 

“Dude, we need to save Station, Death, and the babes right?  So, when we do that Zion’s attention will be on us and Vion will be free to close the Seal, what ya think Ted?” asks Bill     

“Duder that will most definitely work!” said Ted

They turn to each other and shout “Excellent” then they do air guitar.  While they make their way toward Zion’s tower, Vion makes his way through the Dark Seal.

“It will take me some time to make my life force fuel my magic.  I only hope the Great Ones will distract Zion long enough.” says Vion


Now back at the Dark Tower, Zion already knows Bill and Ted are going to try to free their friends.

“Those…those…incompetent…aggravating…dung for brains…MORTALS.  How could they have gotten away from my Death Riders?  And their going to try free their damn friends?!” exclaims Zion

He turns and grabs his wooden staff; he starts to speak in to a glowing green orb on top of it.

“All Death Guards be on high alert for two mortals that will try and break into the dungeons, stop at all cost.” orders Zion

His voice echoes through out the tower.  All of the statues of Demons within the tower come alive.  They start to walk out of the tower to take their positions and to await Bill and Ted.  Bill and Ted then walk right in front of the Death Guards and say “What’s up, you ugly dickweeds!”  Then all of the Death Guards surround Bill and Ted, they start to shoot out the glowing red orbs, and Bill and Ted are destroyed… Then Bill and Ted enter the tower with out being spotted?!  The Bill and Ted that was destroyed by the Death Guards was the Evil Bill and Ted robots that was scavenged by Station, excellent huh?

Then the Great Ones fine their way to the dungeons.  They find the cells that the others are in and frees them.

“Could you have taken any longer?” asks Death

“Ah, come on dude.  We did the best we could!” says Bill

“Station!” exclaims Station

“Um, you too Station!” said Ted

Then the princesses get out of their cell, and the Great Ones greet them.

“Are you girls ok” asked Bill and Ted in unison

“Yes, thanks to you” says Elisabeth

Then the entrance to the dungeons open, it’s Zion and two Death Guards.

“Take them to the top of the tower.” orders Zion

The guards take everyone up to the top.  And they meet with Zion who is holding his staff.

“Welcome to my home.  Hm, I’m sure my foolish brother told you about my past on Analoor.  How I tricked all of the mage and gained control of the entire planet?” asks Zion

“Yeah by killing the planet, you dick!” exclaims Bill

“Oh please, by killing it I gave it new life, and gave a home for all of it’s creatures and Necromancers.  And I will do the same to this planet!” explains Zion

“Me and Bill will never let you get by with this!” says Ted

“I have already won, the longer I’m in this world my dark power will fix this world like it did on Analoor.  Wait…” said Zion

He ran out to his balcony and watches as his brother tries to repair the Seal.

“How dare you, brother!” shouts Zion

He holds up his staff and a green stream came from it and hits Vion.  Vion fall to the ground in pain, Zion uses his staff once more and brings Vion to the top of the tower.  Vion appears in middle of the room, and Zion walks over to him.  He puts his staff right in front of Vion face.

“You were right to fear me, brother!” Shouts Zion

Then Bill and Ted ran over to Zion and they kick his staff out of his hands.  Zion turns his head to Bill and Ted and says “You damn mortals!” he dives to his staff.  Then Vion tell the Great Ones with his last breath…

“Here use the last of my magic and seal Zion with in Analoor forever!” says Vion

Then mythical guitars appear in Bill and Ted’s hands.

“You know what to do my friends, rock!” says Vion

Vion fades away and Bill and Ted runs out on to the balcony and starts to perform one of their songs, “In Time.”  While they do so, the Seal slowing rebuilds it self and Zion starts to fade away.

“No!  How can this bit of magic my bother gave to them be so powerful with in them NOOOO!!!!!” shouts Zion

He fully fades away, and the Seal does also.  And everything on earth turns to normal, the tower starts to crumble and the Great Ones and their friends appear on a stage performing to all of San Dimas.

THE END