Bill and Ted’s Guide to Modern Parenting

Written by:
Lexi


BILL & TED characters are trademarks of Nelson 1991 Inc. The motion picture BILL & TED'S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE & © 1989 Nelson Films Inc. All Rights Reserved. The motion picture BILL & TED'S BOGUS JOURNEY © 1991 Orion Pictures Corporation. All Rights Reserved.

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Do Not Drop Children Whilst Doing Air Guitar.

“So what do we want to do while Joanna and Elizabeth are out?” Bill asked the babies who stared blankly back at him.

“I know,” Ted clicked his fingers.  “Let’s watch TV!”

Bill and Ted looked at each other before exclaiming “EXCELLENT!” and doing air guitar.  Little Bill and Ted slipped from their arms and hit the carpet with a thud.

“Oh no!” Ted gasped as the two children began to scream.

“What do we do?” Bill asked as he lifted little Ted from the floor.

“I dunno, um maybe sing to them.” Ted suggested.

 

Do Not Teach Children Bad Words.

“Hush little dudes, stop crying now, Bill is gonna buy you a….um…Ted what rhymes with now?” Bill asked.

“Er…cow?” Ted offered.\

“Okay, hush little dudes, stop crying now, Bill is gonna buy you a big brown cow, and if that brown cow doesn’t sing Bill is gonna buy you a diamond ring.” Bill sang.

“Dude, why would a cow sing?” Ted asked.

“Shut up it's working!”  The babies had stopped screaming now and were watching Bill with interest.  “And if that diamond ring turns brass, Bill is gonna feel like a giant ass.”

“Bill you can’t say that!” Ted said.  “What if they start saying it?”

“Nah they won’t, will you dudes?” he asked the kids.

“Ass!” Little Ted answered.

Ted snickered.  “Joanna isn’t going to be happy when she hears little Ted swearing.”

Bill shot Ted a dirty look.  “Shut up Ted!”  He turned to the babies.  “Okay dudes, don’t say ass.”

"Ass!” they both happily replied.

“Look now little Bill is doing it!” Ted cried.  “We gotta stop them.”

“My dad washed out my mouth with soap when I swore at him.” Ted said. "Maybe we could do that.”

“That’s a little mean isn’t it?” Bill asked.

Ted shrugged.  “It worked, I didn’t swear for ages in front of my dad.”

“Hang on I’ll go find some.”  Bill raced off.  Ted stood there whilst the babies gurgled happily.  Bill soon came back with a bottle of shampoo in hand.

“That’s shampoo dude,” Ted pointed out.

Bill shrugged, “It’s the same as soap.”  He unscrewed the lid and poured it into Little Ted’s mouth.

“Dude, I don’t think you should do that….” Ted began.  Little Ted spat the shampoo back onto Bill and promptly began to cry again.  Little Bill followed suit.

“Oh no not again!” Bill groaned.

“I told you dude, kids just don’t eat shampoo.” Ted laughed.

“Yeah, yeah well what do we do now?  I am not singing again.”  Bill threw the bottle over his shoulder.

“Food always makes me feel better.  Let’s see what we’ve got in the fridge,” Ted said.

 

Caffeine and Children Do Not Mix.

“See the little dudes totally love ice cream,” Ted observed as the two kids sat and ate the ice cream with glee.

“Um…dude did you look at the flavour of this ice cream?” Bill asked as he read the label of the ice cream.

“No why?”

“Because its coffee flavoured.”

"Oh.”  They both looked over at the babies who had just finished the ice cream.

“What happens when children eat coffee?” Ted asked.

“They get hyperactive dude.”

*****************************************************

“ASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!” Little Ted screamed at the top of his lungs as he ran through the house naked.  Bill was trying to capture him with no success while Ted tried to stop little Bill from jumping on the sofa.

“I didn’t know that little Ted could run so fast!” Bill panted.

“He’s going to be a good streaker, look at him go!” Ted said as he managed to grab little Bill.

"Gee thanks Ted, that’s all I need to know.”

“Don’t worry Bill we’ve had enough sugar rushes to know that what goes up, must come down,” Ted grinned.

After a good hour running amuck in the house, Bill and Ted finally managed to calm the kids down and made them watch TV while they cleaned the house.

“Gross, dude you can clean this up, this was your son’s doing,” Ted said as he pointed to the large puddle of puke in the kitchen.

“You gave them coffee flavoured ice cream, you clean it up!” Bill said as he picked up the many toys that had been scattered across the room.

“He’s your son and it’s your responsibility,” Ted told him.

“How about we just leave it and we get the robots to do it for us," Bill suggested.

“Bill you are most brilliant, we’ll get the robots to clean this up and we’ll relax and wait for Joanna and Elizabeth to come home.”  Ted threw the broom to the side of the room.

“They're in the bedroom charging up,” Bill called as Ted went to find them.

******************************************************

“We’re home!” Joanna called, walking through the door.  When no answer came they became worried . . . where were they?\

Walking into the living room they soon found Bill and Ted asleep on the couch with the babies on them.

“They are most excellent dads aren’t they?” Elizabeth said.

“Yes they are.”

THE END