with a nod to Samara-Morgan-101 who edited the whole thing and came up with many of the original characters
BILL & TED characters are trademarks of Nelson 1991 Inc. The motion picture BILL & TED'S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE & © 1989 Nelson Films Inc. All Rights Reserved. The motion picture BILL & TED'S BOGUS JOURNEY © 1991 Orion Pictures Corporation. All Rights Reserved.
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“Hello San Dimas! It’s six a.m. and a beautiful day! Coming up in the breakfast show the new song from Wyld Stallyns, traffic tips and the news.” The voice announced.
The sun leaked through the window and onto the heads of two young boys. The dark haired boy groaned and turned over in his bed whilst the other covered his head with a pillow.
“The campaign to have a galactic peace is becoming closer as Pluto agreed to sign the peace agreement. Wyld Stallyns front men Bill S. Preston and Ted “Theodore” Logan were there to personally congratulate the planet and gave a spectacular concert. The only planet not to sign the agreement is Uranus.” The news reporter read. “In other news Bowling averages have gone up a staggering 6.6% over the past few months. Officials say playing rock music has relaxed the players more and makes them play better.”
The two boys half listened to the clock radio as it continued to spout news. “Okay dudes now it’s time for the new single from Wyld Stallyns!” The news reporter had disappeared and the previous announcer has come back on. The room was blasted with heavy rock music and both teens jumped out of bed.
“Where’s the radio?” Bill looked around wildly at the extremely messy room.
“I dunno, where did you last see it?” Ted asked, looking under the bed.
“Dude, if I knew that I would know where it was.” Bill retorted as he stuck his head in the closet.
The reason why the two had decided to get up was the song was by their parent’s band and they had been hearing it over and over for the past month.
“I found it!” Ted shouted over the music. Waving the radio in the air.
“Turn it off!” Bill shouted back.
Ted flicked it off and both breathed a sigh of relief. “Guess we should get ready for school?” Bill said as Ted tossed the radio aside.
It took fifteen minutes for the boys to find clothes, put them on and walk down the stairs to breakfast where their mothers, Joanna and Elizabeth were waiting.
“Morning boys!” Elizabeth greeted them.
“Morning.” They mumbled back and plonked themselves at the table.
“Did you boys do your homework?” Joanna asked as she placed down the plate of toast.
“Yeah we did.” Ted answered through a mouthful of food.
The kitchen door burst open and walking through it was Kevin, their next-door neighbour. With a quick greeting, he sat down at the table and helped himself to some toast.
“Kevin do you ever have breakfast at your own house?” Bill asked.
Kevin shrugged. “I got to make my own breakfast at home, this way I get breakfast without having to make it or pay for it.”
“He’s got a point dude,” Ted laughed.
“I heard your dad’s got to go to Uranus or something.” Kevin said.
“It was Pluto and yes they did get to go.” Bill answered.
“Whatever.” Kevin shrugged. “You guys need a ride to school?”
“Yeah, your car working?” Ted asked as Bill threw the last of his toast a Kevin.
“Yup, it purrs.” Kevin answered as he attempted to tip juice on Bill but missed and threw it on the table.
“Kevin!” Joanna snapped as he attempted to mop up the juice with his sleeve.
“Sorry Mrs. Preston, Bill provoked me.”
Joanna rolled her eyes and Kevin jumped up. “Time to go dudes.”
Bill trail behind him out the door and Ted drank the rest of his juice before following them out to Kevin’s rusty van that was older than them. Squashing into the front of his van, Kevin tried to start it (he was successful on the fourth turn) and they were off to school.
“Your parents are rich and famous yet you guys still have to catch rides with me, talk about injustice!” Kevin groaned. Ted and Bill smiled; it wouldn’t be a morning ride without Kevin whinging about the van. Neither Ted nor Bill could drive, with their parents touring, promoting and just being famous; they didn’t get time to learn.
“Turn on the radio would ya Bill.” Kevin said as he concentrated on the road. Kevin had; had a few too many accidents for him to play around with the radio whilst driving.
As Bill fiddled with the radio, Ted starred up ahead as their school came into view. San Dimas High, the same school their dad’s attended. There was only one teacher who had taught their dad’s and that was Vice Principal Ryan.
Pulling into the parking lot (which was meant for the teachers, the students parked further away from the school) Kevin hit a trashcan and parked the van.
“Nice parking Kevin, you have to give me a driving lesson sometime.” A girl in a cheerleading outfit remarked as they climbed out of the van.
“Babe, it would be my pleasure.” Kevin winked at her. She rolled her eyes and flicked her blonde hair over her shoulder. “Hi guys, Ashley wants to know if you have finished your music assignments.”
“Why would she want to know that?” Kevin commented.
“Because she needs some serious guidance.” A curly haired girl replied as she joined the group. “I can’t do music if my life depended on it, I can’t remember why I even took the class.”
“You took it because you thought Mr. Kenton was hot.” Shannon answered.
“Mr. Kenton? He’s old enough to be your dad.” Kevin locked the van and twirled the keys on his fingers.
Ashley turned to Bill in a gesture of ignorance to Kevin. “Can I borrow you music assignment?” She smiled and battered her eyelashes playfully.
Ted nudged Bill in a suggestive way as Bill pulled the printed-paper that was his assignment out of his bag. “Here, make sure it’s back before class or Mr. Kenton will know.” He handed it to her.
“Thanks Bill, you’re a lifesaver.” She pecked him on the cheek.
“There’s Maria” Ted reached on his toes and waved to someone Bill could scarcely make out. “Catch ya guys!” Ted quickly rushed over to her.
“Are you and Ashley going out yet?” Kevin asked tactlessly as they made there way to the school.
“I’m currently in a relationship.” Ashley snapped, annoyed that he’d asked the question in her presence.
“Yeah but look at him.” Kevin wrapped his arm around Bill and cuffed his hand under his chin. “Isn’t he adorable?”
“As adorable as Bill is, I still am in a relationship with someone else.” Ashley answered. “And are you and Shannon going out yet?”
“I wouldn’t call it going out as such. More friends with benefits.” Kevin replied evenly.
“Hello, still standing here!” Shannon waved her arms around to draw attention.
The bell rang throughout the school and the masses of students began to make there way to class. Amongst the masses were Ted and Maria.
Ted has his arm wrapped around Maria’s waist as they headed towards their first class. They had been going out since they were fourteen and now at age sixteen they were still going on strong.
Ted thought he was the luckiest man in the world because he had Maria. She was tall and petite with olive skin and dark eyes. Bill often laughed at him when he spoke of Maria. According to Bill his eyes went cloudy and he talked dreamily.
“Do you want to do something tomorrow, maybe go to the beach?” Maria asked, her arm linked with Ted’s.
“No can do, we have to do a press release with our parents. You can come if you want.” He answered.
“No thanks, the press isn’t my scene.” She sighed. “I wish you weren’t always so busy.”
“Hey,” He embraced her. “Spring break is coming up. I promise we will spend every moment of it together.”
She smiled. “You are one bodacious boyfriend Ted Preston.”
He laughed. “And you are one excellent babe Maria Larson.”
“With the recent peace agreement being signed with Pluto I thought it appropriate to start our unit on world peace.” Ms. Kursk announced at the start of class.
Ted and Bill were both in this class as were Kevin and Ashley. None of them found history very interesting, despite the fact that Ted and Bill had been back in time on a few occasions.
Ms. Kursk began to speak on the start of world peace, which began with the forming of Wyld Stallyns. Neither Ted nor Bill wanted to hear about it so instead they passed notes throughout the class.
“Since I am boring you Mr. Logan and Mr. Preston I think you should leave my class.” Ms. Kursk told them.
Ted and Bill looked at each other then shrugged and stood up. Kevin followed suit and began to head for the door.
“Excuse me Mr. Leary but where do you think you’re going?” She asked.
“I assumed Miss that you were letting everyone go who was bored.” He explained.
The other students snickered and she narrowed her eyes. “Sit down!”
“But Miss I don’t care about Wyld Stallyns!” Kevin cried. “I have breakfast at their house every morning!”
The class burst out laughing as Kevin bowed to them. “Thank you ladies and gentlemen I’ll be here all week!”
“Good job Kev” Ashley called.
Ms. Kursk had apparently given up on keeping them in class. She waved her hand and continued to speak to the class.
“We are free men now!” Kevin declared as they wandered down the deserted halls of San Dimas High.
“Free men until next period.” Ted added.
“Which we get to meet the new English teacher.” Said Bill.
What happened to Cossack?” Ted asked.
“He’s retiring.” Bill explained.
“Wow. I always assumed that he’d teach until he dropped dead.” Said Kevin.
“Wonder who they’ve got to replace him?” Said Bill.
Kevin shrugged. “I don’t really care. I hate teachers and they hate me.”
Ted smirked as they passed the computer lab and saw Maria and Shannon in there. Kevin knocked on the door and pressed his face against the glass.
The class inside laughed and Mr. Jameson opened the door swiftly knocking Kevin in the head in the process.
“Mr. Leary what are you doing out of class?” He asked.
“Ms. Kursk sent me out. She felt my friends and I did not need to learn about Wyld Stallyns since I have breakfast with them every morning.”
Mr. Jameson laughed. “I see. Well could you use your spare time wisely instead of bothering my class?” He closed the door and Kevin turned to the boys grinning.
“You wanna cruise for chicks?” Kevin asked.
Bill rolled his eyes and Ted laughed.
“What? Don’t you want to go cruising for chicks?” he asked dumbfounded.
“I have got a girlfriend!” Ted exclaimed.
Kevin turned to Bill. “What about you dude?”
Bill laughed. “No chick would be stupid enough to be picked up by you.”
Kevin forged a look of mock hurt on his face. “I thought we were friends Bill!”
Mr. Jameson stuck his head out in the hall. “Boys, take it outside.”
Kevin waved his hand dismissively and winked at the two boys. “Okay, how bout we head to the Circle K and grab some lunch for the babes?” He suggested.
“Done.” Ted and Bill answered simultaneously.
The Circle K wasn’t far from school; it wasn’t the same Circle K that almost two decades ago their fathers had been picked up by Rufus. That was now a historical landmark.
“Wassup Cara babe?” Kevin greeted the shorthaired blonde behind the counter.
“Hello Kevin, aren’t you supposed to be at school?” She greeted him.
“Free period.” Kevin answered and strolled over to the counter. “So how’s college?”
She rolled her eyes. “Splendid Kevin. Are you going to buy something or what?”
While Kevin chatted to Cara, Bill browsed the soda aisle and Ted looked around at the snacks.
“I got one smaller one in the van and a huge one at home.” They heard Kevin say to Cara as they approached the counter with arms full of snacks.
“Should we ask what you’re talking about or just leave it?” Ted asked as he poured the items on the counter for Cara to scan.
“Leave it dude.” Kevin answered.
Once they’d bought the food they piled back into Kevin’s van and sped back to school. Kevin ran a red light and knocked over another garbage can in the process.
“Hello ladies.” Kevin jumped on the seat beside Ashley. “We got some excellent food for you all.”
Bill sat down next to Shannon and Ted near Maria. They passed around what they had bought to the girls.
Shannon examined the packet of chips. “Do you have any idea how many carbs are in these?”
Rolling his eyes Kevin groaned. “Shannon you’re thin and gorgeous and one packet of chips is not going to spoil that!”
Shannon blushed and opened the packet. “I heard you boys got kicked out of history.” Maria said as they all tucked into the snacks.
“Yep. He’s a bad boy that Ted Preston, isn’t that why you love him.” Kevin joked.
Bill snorted some of his soda out of his nose as he laughed.
“BILL!” Ashley jumped up and brushed down her cheerleading uniform. “You got soda all over my clothes!”
“Sorry babe.” Bill snickered and Ashley gestured to Maria and Shannon. “Bathroom. Now.”
The three girls headed to the bathroom while Ted watched in amazement. “Why do they always go to the bathroom in packs?”
Kevin shrugged. “Who knows, it’s one of those unsolved mysteries like who built the pyramids or why do cats always land on their feet.”
“Or why toast always lands butter side down” Ted added.
“Or why you can’t lick your elbow” Bill continued.
“Enough” Kevin smacked them both in the head. “I get the picture.”
“You’ll be happy to know it didn’t stain.” Ashley announced with a damp but clean uniform.
“Damn, I wanted it to stain then you would have had to take off your top.” Bill cursed.
“I heard that Bill!” Ashley snapped and then said in a sly seductive voice “If you boys run around the school naked I’ll take off my top.”
“Done!” Kevin had already taken off his shirt.
“No thanks.” Replied Ted.
“I dunno…..how badly would we get in trouble and how long are we talking about your top being off?” Bill asked.
“Well I’m not taking off my boxers until one of you strips down.” Kevin said, he’d already taken off his jeans and was standing in his boxers. Many stopped to stare and wolf whistle at him.
“Thank you! Thank you!” He bowed to them. “If you want the boxers off, take off your top!” To call Kevin an attention seeker was an understatement. He was constantly trying to find new ways to ‘shock the system’ as he put it.
“Kevin put your clothes back on, Vice Principal Ryan is over there.” Shannon hissed.
Kevin turned to see the vice principal showing a beefy looking man around the school. The other man had spotted Kevin and they were coming over.
“Since he’s seen me should I put my clothes back on?” Kevin asked them.
“Leary what the hell do you think you’re doing?” Vice Principal Ryan asked sharply.
“I’ve decided to start my own nudist colony but no one else with join me so I’ve only stripped down to my boxers.” Kevin replied.
“Go to my office now while I finish showing Mr. Garrison around the school.” He said.
“See you in English.” Kevin winked and jogged off, still in his boxers.
“What would we do without Kevin? School would be so boring without him.” Shannon said.
“Yeah he sure makes life interesting.” Ted stated.
When Kevin came in at the start of English he sure made a statement to the new teacher.
Ted, Bill and Ashley were already sitting down when Kevin strolled in like usual. Except for one thing – he was wearing boxers and a sports bra.
Ashley burst out laughing at the sight of him, as did the rest of the class. “If you’re all wondering why I am wearing a bra it is because school rules say you must have pants and a shirt on at all times and apparently a bra counts a shirt so Morgan James lent me hers.” He announced to the class and sat down next to Bill.
“Kevin you are an idiot! Why is it the jocks never make fun of you?” Ted asked.
Kevin leaned back in his chair casually. “It is because they learnt long ago that I do not care.”
Bill was about to add to it but Mr. Garrison had walked in. He was beefy looking man who looked around forty. He dropped a briefcase on the table and stood in front of the class.
“I’m your new teacher Mr. Garrison. The first thing I’d like to say is most of you look like ordinary teenagers, apart from the young man in boxers and a bra.” Kevin waved when he said this. “And like most teenagers you think you’re being original when you’re not.” Everyone looked surprised at this but he ignored it.
“The punks for example. You’re not being original. There have been punks around since the late 70’s. Same goes for hippies. If you want to change the world you got to be original.” He emphasised the word. “I see we have the sons of the great Wyld Stallyns. They look just like their dads but I won’t serve any judgment yet.”
Ted and Bill exchanged looks but listened with interest. “Their dads were original and therefore started the era of world peace.” He walked around and his eyes fell on Ashley. “A cheerleader, how stereotypical can we get?” He reminded Ted of an army general.
“Do you want to change the world? Do you want to make a difference? Be different. Be original. My methods of teaching are unique and I know they do not suit everyone. You may transfer from this class but if you are serious about changing the world and making a difference I suggest you stick around.”
He turned to the board and began to write on it. “Copy this down.” He snapped and everyone jumped to it.
Some of the course aims were right, others weird and some were completely incorrect.
Ashley’s hand shot up. “Sir, this is an advance English class. We know the basic principals of English.”
He turned slowly and put his hands either side of her desk. Ashley looked up at his intimidating figure. He looked angry for a moment but smiled. “That is what I want. My first rule – question everything. Just because it’s been written down doesn’t mean it’s right.” He straightened up.
“I heard just before I entered this class, this young man here.” He gestured to Kevin. “That he was wearing a bra to be apart of the school rules. That is the second rule – push the boundaries of what is right and what is wrong.”
When class ended forty minutes later all they could talk about was Mr. Garrison.
“He laid it on pretty thick don’t you think?” Bill said.
“I think he’s got a point, no one is going to remember you if you copy someone else. I bet twenty years from know everyone is going to remember Kevin.” Ashley replied.
“Oh thank you Ashley, you should be different and walk around in your underwear with me.” Kevin suggested.
“No thanks” Shaking her head, Ashley flicked her hair. “I'd rather be a ‘stereotypical teenager’ but you keep changing the world.”
“Hey guys!” Shannon came up beside them. “Everyone is talking about you Kevin. Morgan James won’t stop talking about you wearing her bra.”
“I just thought of something.” Said Bill. “If you’re wearing Morgan’s bra what the hell is she wearing?”
Shannon rolled her eyes. “You guys have no idea about girls do you? Its Morgan’s sports bra as in she only wears it to play hockey.”
“I see.” said Bill.
“I think Mr. Garrison likes me. Did you see the way he was using me as an example?” Kevin said.
“Oh god, the world is coming to an end!” Cried Shannon. “A teacher likes Kevin.”
“I think I am very likable.” Kevin remarked as he waved happily to Ms. Kursk who almost ran away in terror.
“Yeah Kevin, real likable.” Bill snickered.
“You know Bill I was thinking.” Said Ted later on back home. “I think Mr. Garrison is right.”
Bill who was playing with his bass guitar looked up at him. “About what dude?”
“About him saying we’re like our dads but he said he would wait and see. Bill we are just like our dads.” He said.
Bill threw the bass aside. “So what’s wrong with that?”
“Dude think about it. Our dads caused world peace. How the hell are we supposed to live up to that?”
“You’re right. I never thought about it, what are we going to do with ourselves?” Bill sagged back on the bed.
“We shouldn’t be musicians. Master other fields, I could be a great scientist and cure world hunger or something.”
Bill sat up with an amused look on his face. “Last time I checked you were getting a D in science.”
Ted shook his head. “Okay, bad example. What’s something cool besides music?”
“Pro wrestling is pretty cool. We could try out for the team at school.” Bill suggested.
“Isn’t that stuff staged?” Ted asked.
“Yeah but you still gotta be able to act. We could do it!” Bill explained.
“Bill Logan and Ted Preston Pro Wrestlers.” They looked at each other and cried “Excellent!” and proceeded with a guitar solo.
“That’s our dad’s thing, do you think we should keep doing it?” Bill asked.
“No way, everyone else does it.” Ted said.
Bill went back to his bass and Ted sat and read a magazine. After a while Bill spoke up.
“I just realized something.”
“What? That you can’t play bass?” Ted quipped.
“No not that. What are we gonna tell our dads? I mean how long have they always said that when we were old enough we could join their band.” Bill answered.
“We don’t tell them straight away, we still hang around and play music but we do our wrestling as well.” Ted explained.
“You can’t be serious.” Kevin said when he
heard Ted and Bill’s plan. “You guys are shrimps. The guys on
the wrestling team are going to squash you.”
“Plus the idea of a bunch of dudes in tights grabbing each other sounds kinda gay.” Ashley added.
“We are not fags!” Snapped Ted.
“Didn’t say you were but it sounds kinda gay to me.” Ashley said.
“We talked to Coach Carlson the other day, we’re trying out this afternoon if you want to watch.” Said Bill.
“As much as I would like to watch you get your butt’s kick I think I’ll pass.” Shannon said.
“I’m in. I might even bring the camera.” Kevin said.
“Wrestling is dangerous.” Maria said in her soft voice. “I don’t want you getting hurt Ted.”
“He’s gonna get snapped!” Kevin exclaimed, much to Maria’s discomfort.
“Gee Kevin your support is gratifying.” Bill said sarcastically.
“I’m trying to stop yourselves from getting seriously hurt.” Kevin’s tone had changed from playful to an uncharacteristic serious tone. “You guys are crazy to try and join the wrestling team. Have you seen the size of the dudes who are on there? Your whole body would be the same thickness as their arms.”
“Kevin’s right.” Said Shannon. “You could get hurt. Why do all of a sudden do you want to join the wrestling team?”
“Mr. Garrison inspired us to do it.” Said Bill.
“Whoa! He never said put yourselves in danger. All he said was to be original. Joining the wrestling team is not original.” Kevin said.
“We’re trying new things, that’s all.” Ted answered.
“We’ve got to go warm up so if you’ll excuse us.” Ted and Bill left leaving their friends looking worried.
Coach Carlson had laid down the mats and was telling a large looking boy to go easy when Ted and Bill walked in. True to his word Kevin was there with a video camera in hand, Ashley sitting beside him trying to calm a distraught Maria and Shannon, despite what she’d said, had shown up and was eying the large boy reluctantly.
“Dude this is it.” Said Bill. “Do you want to go first or should I?”
“You can go first, it will give me a better advantage.” Ted replied and headed to over to where the group was sitting.
“You going first Logan?” The coach asked as he approached him. He nodded and the coach waved the large boy over.
“This is Tony Bruno, he’s one of our lighter boys, if you can get him to the ground at least once out of five tries you’re in.” He explained. Bill looked up at Tony. One of the lighter boys, this guy was huge!
They stood on the mats and Bill felt himself shaking. What was he doing? He wasn’t a sports person.
“Go!” Coach Carlson shouted and Tony thundered towards him.
He launched for his stomach and tried to tackle him but Tony fell forward and pressed him against the mat. “That’s one for Tony.” He heard the coach call.
He stood up woozily. He decided to go for the legs this time. He grabbed him around the ankles and managed to trip him but he could hold Bill down with one hand and he did. “Two for Tony.”
This time Bill decided to let him make the first move. He came forward and pushed on Bill’s shoulders. Bill tried pushing back but Tony shoved him back and then he heard a large crack and everything went black.
“Logan I don’t think you’re wrestling material” Said the coach when he came to a few minutes later. Tony had pushed him off the mat and he’d whacked his head on the hard floor.
He rubbed the back of his head and joined the group where Kevin was still taping everything. “Anything to say for the camera after that brilliant performance?” He asked as he stuck the camera in his face.
“Shove off Kevin.” He grumbled and sat down next to Ashley.
Ted lasted longer than he did by the fact that he was able to dodge away from Tony’s advances easily.
“This isn’t ballet Preston!” Snapped the coach. “Tackle the boy!”
“You know, Ted’s quite light on his feet.” Commented Maria. “He could be a good ballet dancer. My class needs more males in it.”
“Ballet is for fags.” Said Bill as he watched his friend become one with the ground. “Didn’t dodge that one well did he?”
“I think I’ve seen enough,” Said the coach. “You need to bulk up seriously before joining my team.”
“See what did I tell you.” Said Kevin a few minutes later as they headed to his van. “You got snapped. I have it all on tape if you should ever want to wrestle again.”
“There’s Mr. Garrison now.” Pointed Shannon. “Why don’t you tell him how his inspiring words got you snapped.”
“You guys wouldn’t understand.” Ted sighed and decided he didn’t want to go home, especially with Kevin. Bill was having the same thoughts.
“You know I might head over to library and get that book on peace treaties for history.” He said.
“I’ll come with you. Later dudes.” Bill ran to catch up with Ted who was walking briskly.
“You don’t want to go to the library for real right?’ Asked Bill and Ted laughed.
“Are you kidding? I just wanted to get away. I’ve only just realized that we have no ride home.”
“Hello boys, need a ride?” Mr. Garrison had pulled up beside them in his Toyota 4WD. They exchanged looks before he added. “I’m not going to kidnap you.”
They both climbed in the back and sat uncomfortably as riding with a teacher was. “I couldn’t help but overhear what your friends were saying. You tried out for the wrestling team on my advice?”
“Not exactly. Your lesson got us thinking about how we are never going to live up to our dads if we continued with music so we wanted to master something else.” Explained Ted.
He nodded. “Makes sense but you boys aren’t overly sporty are you?” They shook their heads. “Thought not. Why not try something creative other than music, like poetry or art or dance. I know they do those sorts of courses down at the community college. Why not give those a try?” He suggested.
“That’s a great idea dude…I mean sir.” Bill corrected himself.
He laughed. “Don’t try to live up to your parents, there’s some advice for you. My father was a doctor and I thought I could never live up. Just please yourselves, never anyone else.”
They nodded in agreement. While weird and a bit creepy, Mr. Garrison was a smart man.
“Am I taking you to your house or do you want to go somewhere else?” He asked.
“Our house, we just didn’t want to ride with Kevin, he’d be having a go at us all the way home.” Ted replied.
“Now that Kevin is something special, a real eccentric. Those are hard to come by.” He said.
“That he is.” Bill laughed.
“I think you’ll do fine in my class.” He continued. “I’m not a total monster.”
They pulled up out the front of he house. “And this is your stop.” Bill had only just realized that they hadn’t told Mr. Garrison where they lived. He shook it off; most of the nation knew where the house was.
“Thanks for the ride dude.” Ted waved as he drove off.
“I think he’s pretty cool for a teacher.” Said Ted as they headed into the house.
“Yeah. He actually wants to teach us something.” Bill laughed.
“You wanna see about those classes he was saying about?” Ted asked.
“Alright. Give the community college a call.” Bill said.
Ted wandered off to find the phone book while Bill sat down and channel surfed.
“Here it is. San Dimas Community College.” Ted threw the phonebook down on the coffee table and passed the cordless phone to Bill. “You ring them dude.”
Bill rolled his eyes and dialed the number. “Hello I want to know if my friend and I can enroll in a class.” There was silence as Bill listened to the person on the other end. “We’re interested in art.” More silence. “Bill Logan and Ted Preston.” Ted heard a faint screech from the other end of the phone. “Yes we are.” Bill lay back on the couch and kicked his feet up on the coffee table. “Tomorrow at 4.30. See ya dude.”
“We are now officially enrolled in an amateur art class.” Bill announced.
“Most outstanding.” Ted grinned and turned up the volume on the television. They watched cartoons for a while until the lights and the TV flickered.
“There isn’t a storm around.” Bill commented as the TV flicked to static. They were about to turn off the TV when the picture returned only it was black but a sound blared out of the speakers.
“Sounds like farting.” Ted remarked and then it flicked back to cartoons. “That was weird.” Said Bill.
“Hello boys.” A metallic voice sounded.
“Hey good robot dads.” They greeted the good robot versions of their fathers. “Seen our parents around?”
“They are at the studio. They told us to tell you to order take out.” The good robot version of Bill answered.
“Alright.” Ted sighed. “Thanks dudes.”
The robots shuffled off and Ted remarked “You know the pizza guy spends more time with us than our parents and when we’re together for ‘family time’ it’s like a publicity stunt.”
“Face it Ted. We’re the moocher sons of the greatest rock gods of all time.” Bill moaned.
“We’re gonna change all that Bill.”
Art class didn’t turn out to be as exciting or as cool as Ted thought. Bill seemed to be quite good though.
“Wow. Your fruit looks like fruit. Mine looks like a bunch of coloured shapes.” Ted remarked as he looked over at Bill’s sketchpad.
“Thanks dude. This art thing is fun.” Bill stated. “I think I’ve found my calling.”
“We’ve had one lesson Bill. I wouldn’t call that a calling.” Ted remarked as he tried to make his shapes resemble fruit.
“I should take up art as a subject at school.” Bill continued and the teacher, a woman called Zelda looked over the boys' work.
“It looks like I can take that fruit off the page Bill.” She smiled and looked over at Ted’s. “You need to look at the fruit more carefully Ted.”
“Zelda’s a babe.” Ted whispered as she left. Bill shot Ted a dirty look.
“Dude, she’s a teacher. Teacher’s are not babes.”
Ted snickered. “Funny that Ashley thinks Mr. Kenton is hot. He’s a teacher.”
“Shut up.” Bill snarled.
“Or are you just jealous that Ashley is in a relationship with a teacher.” Ted continued.
“She is not.” Bill snapped. “She just said he was hot she never she said she was having a…a…well you know with a teacher.”
Ted laughed. “Dude I’m just playing. You should have seen your face.”
Bill ignored Ted as he continued to colour his fruit with watercolours. “Wow Bill that looks so good. Can I show you something though?” Zelda had appeared once more. She bent over to his paints and he got a full view of down her top. He gaped while she messed around with the colours before coming back up.
“See if you blend the colours like so it will look more even.” She said, running the brush up and down his picture. He gulped heavily and he felt Ted nudging him in the ribs.
“Thanks….I’ll remember that.” He stammered as she tried to fix Ted’s terrible excuse of a painting.
After the class she called him back. “For a beginner you’re pretty good. You’ve got talent there that needs to be nurtured.” She crossed her legs and Bill got a great view of her legs.
“I do private classes for a small fee.” She smiled. “I could give you a few classes if you want. I don’t charge much. Don’t bring your friend though, he’s a lost cause.” She fumbled about in a large handbag and passed him a card. “That’s my number. Give me a call and we can organize a meeting.” Bill took it and thanked her.
“Oh man she was into you.” Ted exclaimed as they headed out the front entrance. They never made it.
“Ted! Bill!” Maria waved from the other side of the entrance hall. She rushed over to them in a ballet costume. “What are you guys doing here?” She asked.
“We took an art class. Which I was totally bogus at though the teacher thinks Bill has some talent.” Ted explained.
“You should come to ballet with me!” She squealed. “You look pretty light on your feet when you were wrestling and you know how to work to a beat you’re musicians.” She looked up at him with her large brown eyes and before he knew it, they were standing with a bunch of girls trying to dance.
“I will get you for this.” Bill hissed as he tried to copy the move of the dance teacher. Unfortunately it was not a babe who was teaching. It was a dude.
“It’s good to see some men involved. Especially the sons of the great Wyld Stallyns. Helps world peace if you get involved with everything.” He said as Bill’s feet disappeared from underneath him. He cringed. “How are you doing Ted?” He asked as he watched Bill rub his rear end in dissatisfaction.
“You know that squat thing you were doing? I think I can do it.” Ted attempted the ‘squat thing’ he had been watching Maria do.
“Oh well done.” He clapped. “You seem to have a natural talent for this.”
Ted blushed and Bill rolled his eyes as he tried to lift his leg in the air. He managed to do it but not very straight.
“You doing fine for someone who has never danced before.” Maria assured him.
They continued the routine of going to art classes and dancing with Maria afterwards for a few weeks. Ted completely sucked at art but both were okay at dancing but Ted felt it was more exciting since he got to dance with his girlfriend.
“I think I want to be a dancer.” Ted announced to Bill about three weeks after they had started the class.
“You and Maria make good dancing partners.” Commented Bill. “You’ll be world famous and it will crush any rumours that you’re a fag.”
Ted laughed. “I think you’d be a good artist. Did you talk with Vice Principal Ryan about changing from music to art?”
Bill nodded. “I gotta drop music to be able to do it.”
Ted bit his lip. “Your dad will flip if he finds out you’ve dropped the only subject you’re any good at.”
“Like he’s going to find out.” Snorted Bill. “Dude we’ve been taking these classes three times a week for almost a month and our parents haven’t even noticed. Doesn’t that indicate something to you?”
“I know.” Nodded Ted. “If I didn’t have you and the rest of my friends to have fun with, I would have gone crazy by now.”
“Me too Ted. You know what makes our predicament even worse?” Bill said. “We’re named after our parents. Little Ted and Bill, how the hell are we supposed to get out of their shadows with their names?”
“Once we turn eighteen we can legally change our names. You can be Jim or something.” Ted laughed.
“Jim Logan.” He said airily. “I like it.”
“What about me?” Said Ted.
“Carl.” Bill said firmly. “Carl Preston.”
“I’m Carl S. Preston Esquire.” Chanted Ted.
“And I’m Jim “Jimmy” Logan.” Recited Bill.
“And together we are NOT Wyld Stallyns!” They exclaimed and banged away at air guitar.
“You wanna start calling each other that?” Ted asked.
“Yeah.” Laughed Bill. “It’ll be our own personal joke.”
“You’re Jim.” Ted announced.
“And you’re Carl.” Bill began to feel giddy. He didn’t know why it just felt…..great to be called something else.
“And we’re NOT Wyld Stallyns!” They shouted hysterically to the world.
“I’ve entered you in an art exhibition.” Said Zelda a few weeks later. “Your painting of the broken guitar was amazing I just had to enter it.”
Bill felt his cheeks burn but his pride swelled. He’d been at this for almost two months. Doing classes at the community college, at school and a few private sessions with Zelda.
“The show starts at 5 on Wednesday.” She handed him two tickets. “If you win they’ll put you in the California Art Fair where you could get a scholarship to any art college in the state.”
“Thanks Zelda.” He said, trying to suppress his excitement. He turned to Ted.
“Did you hear that Carl?” He asked him. “I’m in a exhibition.”
Ted high fived him. “Well done Jim. You know there’s a dance concert just before spring break? Maria was saying about after the concert we should do a road trip.”
“Excellent. We talking the whole group in Kevin’s van?” He asked.
“Yep. Everyone’s up for it. You just have been so busy with this art thing that we haven’t had time to mention it to you.”
“I’m in.” Bill said. “This will be the best spring break ever!”
“We’re releasing a new album.” Said Bill senior at dinner that night. “So you get to miss school on Wednesday for a press release.”
“How long will it take?” Asked Bill worriedly. He was not missing the exhibition for anything.
“It starts at one and you know how long these things last. We have to do interviews and then the after party. It should be finished by five.” Answered Ted senior.
“We’ve got somewhere to be at five.” Ted piped up. “We’re going to the movies with Kevin.”
“You can miss the party but you have to be there for the media release and the interviews.” Bill compromised.
“Fine. I’ve got to go use the computer for music homework. We have to find classical musicians and they don’t include Van Halen.” Said Ted, getting up from the table.
“Don’t you have the same homework?” Joanna asked as she cleared the plates.
“Ah no.” Bill replied. “I…….copied it off Ashley the other day.” He hadn’t told his parents yet that he’d switched music for art.
“You should do your own work Bill.” Bill senior scolded. “You’re only cheating yourself.”
“Um…….yeah I’ll remember that.” Bill cringed and decided to bail.
“Ted dude, don’t mention music class again or they’ll catch on.” He told his best friend.
“Don’t mention the classes either. I started to tell Dad about Maria’s ballet and how her dance partner is a man and he said he was a fag. I want make something of myself but I don’t want to disappoint our parents.”
“Remember what Mr. Garrison said?” Bill said. “About pleasing no one but yourself? He’s right. Do what you want Ted, I know you are not a fag. When you talk about Maria you go all glassy eyed and----”
“Yeah I know.” Ted smirked. “She’s the one Bill. This ballet thing has brought us so much closer. Kevin said to me today that he wouldn’t be surprised if I married her while I was still in high school.”
“How cool would that be?” Bill laughed.
“No thanks. I don’t think I’m ready for marriage just yet.”
“So we’re just Carl and Jim for the time being?” Bill said.
Ted nodded. “Yep. Just Carl and Jim.”
Wednesday rolled around and Bill was shaking with nervous excitement. The reporters mostly ignored them at the press release and the after party was nothing more than a way for the reporters to corner their parents.
Their plan was simple. They would take a cab to the San Dimas Civic Auditorium where the exhibition was being held and hang out there for a few hours then take a cab back home. Their parents would be none the wiser.
“What happens if I win? What happens if I get that scholarship?” Bill asked panicky in the taxi. “How do I explain to my parents?”
“Whoa. Hold up there dude.” Ted put his arms on his shoulders. “You’re getting ahead of yourself. Just concentrate on tonight.”
“Yeah. Okay. It’s only a slim chance I could win.” Bill reassured himself.
“Dude that’s just as bad.” Ted groaned.
“Fine. I have an equal chance of winning.”
Ted smiled and patted him on the back. “You’ll do great.”
The awards weren’t handed out until 6.30, which gave them an hour and a half to wander around and look at other artwork.
“This is art.” Exclaimed Ted looking at a portrait of a naked woman. “Why can’t we do that in our class?”
Bill laughed as he sipped the champagne he was given. “Because you would die of shock.”
Ted looked around as he emptied his own glass. “Wanna grab another? It’s free.” Bill slurped down what was left of his. “Okay.”
Bill had lost his nerve to drink any more champagne as the awards began to be handed out. Ted however did not and was giggling madly. “You’re gonna win Jim.” He whispered loudly.
He brushed him off and watched as they handed out the awards. When his section came his stomach did flip-flops.
“You okay Jimmy?” Ted asked loudly.
“I feel like there are butterflies throwing up in my stomach.” He answered.
“Look they’re by your painting!” Ted pointed and Bill almost fainted. They were pinning the ribbon on his picture.
“I won.” He whispered.
“HE’S OVER HERE!” Ted bellowed and the crowd parted as Ted pushed him forward. His hand was being shaken by each of the judges and his photograph was being taken. It happened in a blur but he savoured what he could of it.
Afterwards he saw Zelda who handed him another glass of champagne. “I know you’re a little young but it won’t matter.” She winked and raised her glass. “To my prize student. Who has twice the talent I have.” She took a gulp.
“Here, here” Ted shouted and slurped down his drink.
“Thanks Zelda.” Bill smiled and took another free glass of champagne. Who said Ted had to have all the fun?
They stumbled out of the civic auditorium at 8. “Carl. You’re my best friend.” Slurred Bill.
“I know man.” Ted nodded.
“We should call Kevin!” Exclaimed Bill loudly.
“Yeah!” Agreed Ted. “He’ll want to know that you won.”
After walking unsteadily around for fifteen minutes they found a payphone. “Kevin dude I won!” Bill screamed into the phone.
“That’s great Bill.” Kevin said earnestly. “Do you need a ride cuz you sound kinda drunk.”
“Yeah a ride would be good.” Bill swayed. “We’re on the road you take to get to the civic centre. I can’t remember the name of it.”
“I know it. Be there soon dudes.” He hung up and Bill threw the phone down.
“He’s picking us up.” Bill told Ted and they both sat themselves in the gutter.
True to his word, Kevin turned up a few minutes after the conversation. “Taxi la Kevin is here.” He announced and kicked open the door.
“Thanks Kevin you are the best.” Bill told him.
“Yeah, yeah” Kevin waved it off. “I take it the exhibition went well.”
“He won dude.” Ted cried. “Got his picture taken by the paper and everything.”
Kevin raised his eyebrows. “Do your parents read the paper?”
“We’ll get to it before them. It’ll only be a small article. I bet I won’t even make the paper.”
“Won’t even make the paper eh?” Kevin’s voice boomed.
“Not so loud.” Bill groaned and heaved the pillow over his head. Kevin tore it from him and slapped something hard in his face.
“Bill you made the front page.” Bill bolted upright and grasped the paper. Sure enough, there he was standing in front of his painting.
“Have my parents seen it yet?” He asked anxiously.
“No. I came over and swiped your paper as soon as I saw. You’re lucky your parents aren’t morning people.”
“Why would they put me on the front page!” Bill shrieked.
“Gee I don’t know.” Retorted Kevin. “Maybe it’s because you’re the son of a rock legend!”
“This sucks. Now everyone is going to know about it.” Bill groaned and fell back on his bed.
“It’s not that bad” Kevin reassured. “Being an artist isn’t that bad. It’s when they find out you’ve been doing ballet that they’ll flip.”
“Don’t even mention that.” Ted groaned.
“You boys needed a wake up call anyway. I’ll be downstairs getting breakfast.” Kevin left the boys to drag themselves out of bed.
They felt in a better mood when they appeared for breakfast but it soon disappeared. Kevin was not there which was a bad sign and both Bill and Ted senior were there looking grave.
“How’s it going dad?” They said nervously.
“Why did you lie?” Bill senior asked slowly.
“Lie about what?” The playing dumb tactic was the one of someone who was out of ideas.
“You told us that you went out with Kevin to the movies.”
“We did.” They said automatically.
“Then why is it that you are on the news about winning some art prize and getting drunk?”
“Damn.” Bill cursed. “Look I wanted to tell you but you would have flipped--”
“Of course we wouldn’t. There is nothing wrong with art. We took it as a subject too.” Ted senior said.
Bill relaxed. “That’s great because I dropped music for art a month ago.”
There was a deadly silence in the room and Bill and Ted senior looked at each other. “Why would you do that? You’re great at music.”
“Well I---” Then everything bucketed out – about Mr. Garrison, the wrestling try outs, the art classes, the wanting to master something else.
“And we’ve been doing ballet with Maria because she convinced us too. Ted’s real good at it. I’m all right. He and Maria have chemistry.” Bill finished.
“Why couldn’t you tell us this sooner?” Asked Ted senior.
“Because you’re never around. We only spend time as a family for publicity. We took art and dance classed three times a week for almost two months and you didn’t even know we were gone!” Ted exclaimed.
“And you would have never found out if it wasn’t for me winning that award. You think you know us but you don’t!” Shouted Bill. Long suppressed feelings were coming up. “You think we’re just like you but we’re not! Just because we’re named after you does not mean we are you!”
“Do you know how rotten it is to have you guys for parents? You are the mighty Wyld Stallyns, how the hell are we supposed to live up to that!” Ted screamed.
“We don’t want to be the moocher son’s of rock icons. We want to be somebody!” Bill yelled.
Both Ted and Bill panted. It was out in the open now. Their dads (and their mothers most likely as they were very loud in telling them) knew how they felt about it all.
Bill and Ted senior looked bewildered. “Don’t you like having us for parents?” They asked eventually.
“No. We hate it. And why couldn’t you name us something original? Like Jim or Carl?” Ted asked and Bill smiled at hearing their ‘names’.
“You hate us?”
The words hung heavily in the air. “No way we did not say that.” Ted said slowly.
“Yeah we just said we hate being your sons.” Bill trailed off. That wasn’t much better.
“I see.” More uncomfortable silence. “Maybe you should go to school.”
“What have done? Now our dads think we hate them.” Ted groaned as they approached the school.
“Don’t you?” Kevin asked.
“No. What gave you that idea?”
“All this about trying to ‘master’ something else. You’re trying to prove that you’re not your dads. That’s saying something.” Kevin replied as he turned into the teacher’s parking lot.
“Why does that say something?” Ted asked.
“Alright. Guys, your dads are cool and I don’t know why you wouldn’t want to be like them. You’ve already proven that you’re not like them anyway.” Kevin told them as he parked.
“Really?” Bill asked.
“Yeah.” Kevin said and pulled his keys out of the ignition. “Your dads wouldn’t have cared what anyone thought of them. You’ve shown everyone that you do care.” Kevin jumped out of the van and was waving to Ashley and Maria.
“He’s right dude.” Ted sighed. “We haven’t proven anything except how much we don’t want to be like our dads.”
Bill thumped his head forward on the dashboard. “Now our parents hate us and even Kevin is having a go at us.”
“I am sick of being stuck in stupid San Dimas. I want to go somewhere better.” Ted exclaimed.
Bill sat up. “Let’s leave then. Everyone wanted to go on a road trip, so let’s go now.” Bill jumped out of the van excitedly.
“Hey Kevin!” He called. “You want to go on a road trip?”
Kevin jogged back. “What? You mean now?”
Bill nodded and Kevin laughed. “You’re crazy but hell I’m in.”
They climbed in the van and Kevin started it up when Ashley, Shannon and Maria appeared beside it.
“Where are you guys going?” Shannon demanded.
“Road trip. Want to come?” Kevin asked.
“We’re in the middle of school and you don’t having any money!” Ashley exclaimed.
“Money is no problem our parents happen to be rich.” Ted explained.
“What about school? You guys can’t take off because you feel like it.” Maria said.
“Do you want to come or not?” Bill asked impatiently.
“Of course. Who knows what trouble you’ll get into.” Ashley slid the van door open and climbed in the back. “You girls coming?”
Maria and Shannon looked uneasy but climbed in with Ashley. “Excellent!” Grinned Kevin.
“Where are we going?” Maria asked as they sped out of San Dimas.
“Anywhere but here. We’re just going to drive in any direction and hope for the best.” Said Ted.
“Anyone else got a bad feeling about this?” Moaned Shannon.
“It’s the thrill of an adventure. Besides what could possible go wrong?”
“So this is what the thrill of adventure feels like” Drawled Shannon as she leaned against the smoking van.
“It’s overheated.” Said Kevin from the front of the van. “If we let it cool off we should be to drive it in a few hours.”
“And what are we supposed to do until then?” Ashley asked. “I don’t know if you know this but we are in the middle of the desert.”
“Ashley calm down, someone will come past before it goes dark.” Bill said.
“I’m thirsty, do we have anything to drink?” Maria asked.
“Um…” Kevin stuck his head in the back of the van. “I had the water for the radiator, if you’re that thirsty just wash your mouth out with it.”
Maria cuffed her hands and Kevin poured the water into her hands. “Anyone else want some?” He offered.
Everyone else shook their heads. “What do we do now?” Ted asked.
“You wanna play twenty questions?” Suggested Kevin.
“No thanks. I could get a really good tan out here though. Wish I’d brought my bikini.” Ashley sat down on the van.
“Me too.” Said Bill in an undertone.
“What was that Bill?” Kevin asked cheekily.
“Nothing Kevin, you must be hearing things.” Bill retorted.
“Now we just wait it out.” Sighed Ted.
“Yep. Just wait it out.”
Several hours had past and it had gone dark. Yet not a car had gone past and the van refused to start.
“We’re going to die!” Cried Maria and buried her head in Ted’s shoulder.
“We are not going to die.” Bill said sharply.
“I agree with Maria, we are going to die.” Shannon said lazily from the front seat.
“I bet they’ll find our bodies all huddled together in this van.” Shivered Ashley and moved closer to Bill. “At least we’ll be legends like the Texas chainsaw massacre kids.”
Maria began to sob harder in Ted’s shoulder. “Stop it. You’re upsetting her!” He snapped.
“I don’t care. We’re going to die so what’s the point?” Shannon said.
“We won’t die for a few days, we’ll slowly starve and then run out of water. Oh and if I die first no one is to try and eat my corpse.” Kevin tried to joke but it came across badly.
“Whose stupid idea was it to come into the desert anyway? I wanted to go to New York.” Ashley groaned.
“Look on the bright side, death is in our parents band.” Bill laughed hysterically.
“Yeah, you should challenge him to a dance contest.” Kevin remarked.
“I don’t want to die.” Maria cried.
“You think we do?” Shannon asked. “This is our way of dealing with it. We’re joking around.”
“If I die before everyone else I give you permission to eat my clothes and my left arm.” Bill snorted with laughter.
“Then you’ll be a naked corpse with one arm.” Kevin stated.
“Doesn’t really matter does it? We’re all going to be corpses anyway.”
The adrenaline that had been pumping through Ted’s veins had long disappeared and had been replaced with fear. He did not want to show it though. He was being strong for Maria who was still sobbing hard into his shoulder.
Everyone lounged around the van, as there was nothing left to do. Hours (or what felt like hours) past in silence.
Ted noticed Ashley and Bill were lying together. They looked comfortable, Bill was whispering something to her and stroking her hair. Shannon was lying on Kevin in the front seat.
“There are headlights outside!” Kevin sat up and pushed Shannon off him. “Let’s flag them down.”
Everyone rushed out of the van and into the middle of the road. They watched the lights coming towards them.
“They're too high to be headlights of a car.” Maria whispered.
“I bet it’s a helicopter looking for us.” Kevin guessed.
“There’s no sound. Helicopters or a car would have sound.” Ashley said.
The light came closer and no one knew what to do. Any sort of ‘alien abductions’ had stopped since the galactic peace treaty was settled. But yet this was the stereotypical being of abduction. Kevin ran back into the van and everyone followed.
Ted clung to Maria who was whimpering softly. Ashley and Bill’s hands had merged into one and Shannon had attached herself to Kevin’s side. They could see the lights through the grubby windows and it was close now. Suddenly the van burst into life, the stereo blaring and the engine had roared to life.
Yet they were all transfixed as a beam of light shone down on them. The last thing anyone heard was Kevin saying ‘who farted?’
For one bleak moment Bill thought he was dead. There was a great white light in front of him. Then he felt a large weight on his chest. He looked down to see Ashley’s unconscious form lying on him.
“Ashley” He hissed and shook her. Her eyelids flicked and opened. A shriek escaped her mouth.
“Bill. Where are we?”
He didn’t answer but she took it as a ‘I don’t know.’ She slipped off Bill’s chest and slowly walked around the room, each step she took she absorbed the surroundings. The room was grey and dull but yet Ashley was transfixed by it. There was a beam of white light but where it was coming from was impossible to tell. There was no indication of a bulb or even a hole in the ceiling. The whole room just seemed to be grey, no windows or doors, which was impossible – how the hell did they get in.
“Now we’re really going to die!” She cried and ran back to him. “Bill, If we die I just want to . . . . ” She didn’t finish her words as she pressed her lips against Bills.
“How sweet.” A voice said coldly.
They turned and saw an old man who Bill recognised immediately. “No way. Aren’t you from the future?” He asked.
“I see you know who I am, your cousin had a hard time picking who I was. I think it had more to do with he was trying to calm his girlfriend down.” De Nomolos continued.
“What do you want?” Ashley snarled.
He chuckled. “Weren’t you just blubbering about dying?”
She said nothing but looked vicious and ready to fight.
“I am here to change the course of the future. By breaking up Wyld Stallyns.” He said.
“Shouldn’t you have kidnapped our dads then?” Bill asked.
“No as a matter of fact. You see with the death of their sons they lose immediate interest in everything.” His face twisted into an evil grin.
Bill’s face blanched. “No way. You’re going to kill us?”
De Nomolos cornered Ashley and Bill. “No. I am not going to kill you. At least not yet.”
“Where are Ted and Maria and Kevin and Shannon?” He asked, his voice shaking.
“Your friends? They’re in separate cells. Your cousin and his girl are in one together and that spiky haired boy and the other girl are in one together. You all seemed so desperate to cling to each other that I thought it was appropriate that you been together.”
“How do we know you’re not lying? For all we know they could be dead.” Ashley snapped.
He leaned closed to them, their faces inches from his own. “You’re just going to have to trust me.” He straightened up. “Besides I cannot kill you now, the Grim Reaper happens to be in the band, he’ll let you go because it was an unfair death.”
“What are you going to do with us then?”
He laughed. “You’ll see.” He turned on his heels and walked straight through one of the grey walls.
Bill sprinted forward but was thrown back when he tried to go through the wall. Ashley helped him to his feet.
“At least we know we’re not going to die.” She said, trying to be upbeat.
“Yeah that’s true.” Bill smirked. “You think the others are okay?”
Ashley nodded. “If he’d killed them he’d be boasting about it. They’re alive and around here somewhere.”
“We’re going to be fine. He said he wouldn’t kill us.” Ted rocked Maria back and forth as she sobbed silently.
He was looking around for a way to escape but the room seemed to be impossible to get in or out of, yet he’d seen De Nomolos walk in.
“If he’s not going to kill us then what’s he going to do?” Maria whispered as she leaned her head against his chest.
“I don’t know but I won’t let him touch you. I promise.” Ted mustered all the courage he could in his voice but he did not know if it sounded reassuring.
“I hope everyone is safe. We didn’t ask if they were killed.” She shivered.
“They’re fine.” Ted had told her but in his own mind he had doubts.
Maria lapsed into silence and Ted sat and stroked her hair. He wanted to be calming but he had no idea if it was helping.
At that moment a strange sound, like a rattling came from the other side of the wall. He stood up and went closer and pressed his ear against it.
Then a blast of smoke came streaming in. Ted ran over to Maria and he took off his shirt. He covered their faces but it didn’t work to well.
Here we go again. Thought Ted as the darkness covered his vision.
Bill opened his eyes to find what looked like someone mooning him. Repulsed, he shut his eye immediately. He heard sounds like farts and shut his eyes tighter.
“Do the Uranian’s offend you?” De Nomolos’ cold voice asked.
“Uranian’s.” Murmured Bill. “You mean beings from Uranus?”
“Open your eyes boy.” He commanded. “It's offensive and besides, don’t you want to see your friends?”
Bill sat up and opened one eye, preparing himself for something disgusting. Nothing was there and he blinked a few times since the light was strong.
“Hey dude” Said Ted. He was standing in a large glass tube. “You’re the last to wake up.” Bill looked around and saw that all five of his friends were enclosed in a large glass tube.
“Where are we?” Bill asked as he placed his hands on the tube. It was cool and smooth to touch.
“Uranus.” De Nomolos answered and Kevin snickered. Figures he’d find the situation hilarious.
“This is why the Uranian’s have not signed the Galactic Peace Treaty because you believe it to be a big joke.” De Nomolos explained. “That is why they came to me. They believed me to be the perfect man to help them.”
“They’re giant butts that have farts for a language. If that isn’t enough to laugh I don’t know what is.” Kevin remarked.
“Silence you fool.” He snapped. “I will not have my master plan challenged by a bunch of pathetic teenagers.”
“So you’re just going to keep us in tubes for the rest of our lives?” Bill asked.
“Not quite.” He drawled. “To give your parents closure, we’ve planted that decrepit van and a few bodies in the middle of the desert. They should be finding it very soon.”
“That still doesn’t answer what you will do with us.” Shannon pointed out.
“You’ll remain here on Uranus. Stop laughing boy!” He snapped at Kevin who was giggling. “You can wander around all you want when Wyld Stallyns is over. Get married, have a few kids for all I care, no one will come here and everyone will think that you’re dead.”
“We could marry a giant bum and have butt babies!” Kevin declared and everyone couldn’t help but snigger.
“You won’t be laughing for long.” He said and walked out of the tube room.
“So Ted you wanna have some kids? Then we can all get married!” Kevin joked.
“Kevin stop joking around. This is serious. We’re going to be stuck on Uranus forever if we don’t think of a plan.” Ashley said.
“These tubes are glass right?” Said Maria, running her hand down them.
“Feel like it.” Kevin answered.
“So why can we just smash them?”
Everyone scuffled to try and break their tube. Kevin had lent against the opposite side and kicked it. Shannon was punching it; Ted was doing a mixture of both. Maria however had gotten her stiletto heal shoe and tapped it against the glass like a hammer.
Suddenly De Nomolos had swept back into the room and Maria instinctively dropped her shoe.
“I thought you should see this.” He smiled and clicked his fingers. The wall opposite the tubes turned into a screen and on it was a female news reporter.
“This Kate Axlerod for channel 12 news. The search for six missing teenagers, including the sons of Wyld Stallyns band members, Bill Logan and Ted Preston came to a close earlier today when the van driven by San Dimas High Student Kevin Leary was found in the desert. Found in the van were the bodies of Bill Logan, Ted Preston, Maria Larson, Kevin Leary, Ashley Shepard and Shannon Timmons whose cause of death has not been determined though it has been suggested it was a suicide pact. Memorial Services have already started at a number of different locations. Witnesses say that Bill Logan was the one to suggest this outrageous road trip. Why the teens went into the desert is unclear but sources say that Bill Logan and Ted Preston were suffering from depression.”
“We are not!” Snapped Ted as if the screen would respond.
“It is also been revealed that Kevin Leary, the owner of the van, is a known delinquent having been expelled from his last school.”
“You were expelled?” Shannon asked in surprised.
“No I wasn’t. They got it wrong, I was suspended a great many times and left after the sixth suspension.” Kevin explained.
“Wyld Stallyns front men Bill Preston and Ted Logan refused to comment on the tragedy as did the rest of the band. The teens were just sixteen.”
De Nomolos clicked his fingers again and the screen disappeared. “It has begun. It a matter of hours you parents will declare the retirement of Wyld Stallyns and the world will go into panic.”
He disappeared once again and Maria commenced trying to break the glass with her shoe. She hit a hole through the glass and made it bigger.
“Come on Maria!” Ted edged her on. She soon had made the hole big enough to climb through.
“What do I do?” She asked looking around wildly.
“Try and break our tubes.” She ran up to Ted’s tube and hammered wildly on the glass. When she had freed him she cried: “There’s not enough time!”
“Ted, take her other shoe and start on Bill’s tube. Maria you start on mine.” Instructed Kevin. “Shannon, Ashley, you try and break the glass on your own.”
Time passed so slowly as Ted and Maria hammered away at the tubes. Shannon and Ashley were having no luck; both had flat shoes on.
Kevin was the first to be free and tried to walk through the wall but all he ended up with was a face plant in the wall.
“Even if we get everyone out, there is no way we can walk through the wall. We’re trapped in here.” He groaned.
“Try and break down the wall.” Bill suggested as he climbed out of his own tube.
Kevin and him did a run up hoping to break it down but with no success. “This sucks, everyone thinks we’re dead and we’re going to be stuck on Uranus forever.” Bill cursed as he slid down the wall. His ear was against the wall and he heard footsteps. Not that he cared about De Nomolos anymore. He’d done what he’d set out to do.
But the man who walked through the wall was not De Nomolos.
“Rufus!” Ted cried.
They had met Rufus on a few occasions, mostly he would show up when he though the future of Wyld Stallyns was in jeopardy.
“Greeting gentleman and ladies.” He smiled warmly at them. “You’re in quite a mess here.”
“Well duh!” Kevin retorted.
The sound of shattering glass and Bill saw Shannon climbing out of her tube. “You’re here to help right?”
He nodded and watched as Maria broke through Ashley’s tube. “We have to get back to earth before Wyld Stallyns break up.” He announced.
“We can’t get through the wall, door, whatever the hell it is.” Bill replied.
“I’ve disabled it. You should be able to get through.” He disappeared through the wall and they followed. As he said, they walked through it with ease.
“I have a booth near here. I don’t know how good we’ll do in fitting you all in there.” Rufus explained as he took off down the left hand corridor.
“Those booths only go back in time. We learnt about it in science.” Maria said as they turned again.
“They do but we can go forward or backward in time to anyplace, so we’ll go forward by a minute but we’ll be on earth. Then we will straighten out this mess.”
They found the booth and managed to squash all of them in there. Rufus dialed and the booth dropped through the floor.
They appeared outside their house, only problem was police and a large crowd of people had surrounded it. It looked like a concert, a stage had been set up and there were police barriers around the stage area. Bill and Ted sprinted forward through the crowd but were stopped at the police barriers.
“No one can go past here.” The thickset officer told them.
“This is our house!” Ted cried but the officer would not have anything of it.
“Here they are!” Someone shouted and Ted and Bill turned to see the whole band on stage, Station (who was in two parts), Death, the good robot versions of Bill and Ted Senior, Joanna, Elizabeth and finally Bill and Ted themselves.
“They’re going to announce the end of the band!” Cried Ted as the crowd pushed forward to hear them speak.
“As you know we lost our sons this morning. We are not sure what possessed them to do it but we know that the band had a lot to do with their state of mind.” Said Bill senior, his voice quivering.
“It was a bogus way to die and we blame only ourselves.” Ted senior added.
“Dudes, what are you doing here?” Kevin asked as he and the girls pushed through the crowd.
“They won’t let us near the stage. They didn’t recognise us.” Ted explained.
“We’ll see about that.” Kevin pushed through the crowd and approached the police officer. He began to say something but Kevin punched him square in the jaw. He fell limp on the ground and Ted and Bill knew their cue.
They jumped over the barriers and made for the stage as the other officers chased after them.
“STOP!” They bellowed simultaneously as the police tackled them to the ground.
“Get off them!” They heard Ashley say and they were pulled to their feet. “You boys get back there. How can you be so heartless?” One of the officers said as they were ‘escorted’ back to the crowd.
“WAIT!” Bill heard a familiar voice cry. They turned to see Captain Logan running towards them.
“That’s my grandson!” He said and Bill would have hugged him if not for being held back by a large policeman.
“Deacon doesn’t have a son. Does he?” A policewoman asked.
“No I mean that’s Ted’s son. The one who died.” He said looking astonishingly at them. The policemen let go of them instantly and they ran up the stage steps and slid to a halt in front of Joanna and Elizabeth.
They fainted and the whole crowd who had been screaming because of the announcement fell silent. Ted and Bill turned to see everyone’s mouth agape.
“I see dead people!” Kevin had decided to break the silence. “Hang on. I am dead!” He laughed.
“Thanks Kevin.” Bill called to his friend who waved back.
“So……how’s it going dudes?” Ted tried to act natural but all the staring was unbearable. For once they were staring at them.
“I’d like to point out we’re not dead or zombies.” Kevin had appeared at their side with the girls standing beside him. “I was not expelled from my last school, I was suspended a heap of times and left.”
“And we don’t have depression.” Bill added.
“And like I would commit joint suicide in the middle of the desert.” Shannon remarked.
“I suppose we should tell you what happened since you’re all staring at us.” Bill stated and Ted started with the story.
“We had decided to start our spring break road trip early and Kevin’s van broke down in the desert. We waited for ages and no one came then we were abducted by aliens.”
“We woke up in this grey room and it turned out De Nomolos was behind it all. He and the Uranian’s had joined forced to try and break up Wyld Stallyns. They faked our death but we managed to escape thanks to Rufus.” Bill continued.
“Then we came here.” Ted finished.
“Then I punched out this cop and Ted and Bill got tackled by them and then they came up here and Joanna and Elizabeth fainted and then--”
“That’s great Kevin.” Bill cut him off.
Ted and Bill turned to their dads who looked shocked. “We’re really sorry about yesterday--” They didn’t finished their sentences as they were pulled into an embrace.
“Aw. Isn’t that sweet folks?” Kevin asked the audience.
Many of them laughed at Kevin who had decided to entertain them while Ted and Bill had their ‘family moment’ with their dads.
“We’d thought we’d lost you.” Ted senior whispered as he continued to hug his son.
“There was a period there where we all thought we were going to die in the desert.” Bill laughed.
“Is it true that you kissed Ashley? She was telling Shannon while you were unconscious in the tube.” Ted asked.
“Shut up Ted.” Bill smacked him.
“Oh. I get it.” Ted laughed as they were released. “It was just a ‘caught in the moment’ thing right?”
Bill rolled his eyes and realized that when he thought he was going to die, all he could think about was holding onto Ashley. He didn’t know what possessed him to do it but he stepped forward and kissed Ashley.
“Go for it Bill!” Kevin shouted.
Ashley snorted and broke away from him. “I hope my boyfriend wasn’t watching.” She sighed and kissed him again.
“Get a room!” Someone from the crowd called.
“Since we’re all in the kissing mood.” Shannon shrugged and launched herself on Kevin.
“Since we are the only official couple we should join in to.” Ted told Maria who laughed and kissed him gently.
They all broke off and the crowd was flashing vividly with cameras. “I hope we make the cover.” Kevin remarked and the group burst out laughing. They laughed long and hard as the whole world watched them.
So that was how Bill Logan and Ted Preston (with the help of their friends) saved the world from ultimate destruction and found themselves in the process.
Rufus explained to them that they had a large part to play in the Wyld Stallyns band and the process of peace.
They eventually became the guitarists of the band (Ashley the drummer, Shannon the bassist and Maria the keyboardist). They were the ‘next generation’ of the band. Maria and Ted also achieved groundbreaking awards from the dancing movement as they danced to their music. Bill continued with his art and was compared to Michelangelo.
And Kevin? He did not join the band. Indeed his girlfriend (and later wife) was the bassist but he achieved his goal of making a difference by comic means. His comedic genius was the reason the Uranus eventually signed the Galactic Peace agreement.
They were known for so much more than just being the sons of Bill and Ted. And in good humour, when they had a son each, they named them Carl and Jim.