A Non-Non-Heinous Valentine's Day Gift

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BILL & TED characters are trademarks of Nelson 1991 Inc. The motion picture BILL & TED'S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE & © 1989 Nelson Films Inc. All Rights Reserved. The motion picture BILL & TED'S BOGUS JOURNEY © 1991 Orion Pictures Corporation. All Rights Reserved.

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"Happy Valentine’s Day, Elizabeth." Ted said as he greeted Elizabeth with a hug.

She giggled and said "Happy Valentines Day, Theodore."

"Wait!  It’s Valentine’s Day?!" Bill asked trying to remember.

"Yeah." Ted answered.

"Bogus!" Bill mumbled putting his face in his hands.

"What’s goin’ on, dude?" Ted asked as he walked up next to Bill who was sitting in his car.

"I thought Valentine’s Day was only on Wednesday, It’s Friday…" Bill said.

"What?  Only on Wednesday?  No, Dude, It can be on any day." Ted replied.

"Oh, Bogus!  This is non-non-heinous." Bill said.

"Why?  What do you mean?" Ted asked.

Bill looked at Elizabeth and looked back at Ted.

"What?" Ted asked.

Bill pointed at Elizabeth.

"Elizabeth?  What?" Ted asked extremely confused.

"Other princess." Bill mumbled.

"Oh!  You forgot to get something for Joanna!" Ted said.

"Shhh!  I don’t want her to know!" Bill exclaimed.

"Oh, Sorry..." Ted mumbled again and turned to Elizabeth, "Where is Joanna right now?" He asked her.

"She’s in our apartment," Elizabeth answered.

"How long do you think she’ll be there?" Ted asked.

"I knoweth not.  Should I ask?" She asked.

"Yeah… Bill has something he needs to do, so we need to do that really quick." Ted answered.

"Okay, I’ll go ask her." She said as she walked quickly up to their apartment.

Bill and Ted sat in Bill’s car and waited for Elizabeth to come back with an answer to their question.

"She apparently just woke up.  So, she is nowhere near ready." Elizabeth explained.

"Okay, well, do you wanna come with us?" Ted asked.

"Sure, just let me tell Joanna..." Elizabeth answered as she walked up.

"Okay, dude.  What do I get?" Bill asked.

"I don’t know." Ted replied.

"Dude, How am I gonna know what to get, Joanna?" Bill asked.

"Ask Elizabeth..." Ted suggested as Elizabeth walked back to them.

"Ask me what?" She asked.

"What I should get Joanna for Valentine’s Day…" Bill said.

"You should look around for something at the mall." Elizabeth suggested.

"Good thinking, Elizabeth!" Ted said.

"Yeah!  That’s a most excellent idea!" Bill agreed as he drove to the mall.

When they got to the lobby of the mall, Bill asked, "So, what kinda stuff would Joanna want?" Bill asked.

"I think, you should look around at Aeropostale.  She likes that store…" Elizabeth suggested.

"Oh, Okay." Bill said.

Ted and Elizabeth started walking in the opposite direction of where Aeropostale was.

"I thought Aeropostale was that way…" Bill noted pointing to his left.

"It is," Elizabeth said.

"Then why aren’t you going the right way?" Bill asked.

"Sorry dude, but we wanted to walk around on our own. Is that okay?" Ted asked.

"Yeah, Sure," Bill said and walked to Aeropostale.

He looked around and pretty much bought the first thing he saw, which was a purple bandanna with red hearts on it.

He walked to the lobby of the mall, finding Elizabeth and Ted sitting on a bench waiting for him.

"Did you find something, dude?" Ted asked as soon as he noticed him.

"Uh, Yeah," Bill replied.

"Excellent." Elizabeth said.

"Well, let’s get going." Bill suggested.

"Okay." Ted and Elizabeth said as they walked to Bill’s car.

They drove back to the apartment Elizabeth and Joanna were staying at.

"I’ll go get Joanna." Elizabeth said as she got out of the car.

"So," Ted said.

"So, what?" Bill asked.

"What did you get her?" Ted asked.

"What’d you get Elizabeth?" Bill asked.

"You’ll see…" Ted replied as Elizabeth walked back with Joanna.

"Hey William," Joanna greeted with a flirty smile.

"Hey Joanna." Bill greeted as Joanna and Elizabeth sat in the back seat and Bill drove back to his house.

As they went in Bill’s garage and were about to practice for the upcoming talent show, Bill took the small Aeropostale bag and handed it to Joanna.

"Happy Valentine’s Day…" He said with a smile.

Joanna smiled back and pulled the purple bandanna out of the bag and had a face of surprise.

"Oh, Thank you, William." Joanna said.

Bill just smiled and Ted gave Elizabeth a small pink box.

Elizabeth opened it to find a pretty silver bracelet with September birthstone in it.

Elizabeth gasped and said "Thank you so much, Theodore!"

"No problem, babe." Ted replied with a smile.

"It’s even Blue," She said still smiling.

"Of course.  Blue’s your favorite color." Ted replied as she hugged him tightly.

Bill was shocked, he got Joanna a purple Valentine’s day bandanna and Ted got Elizabeth some extremely expensive looking bracelet that was Elizabeth’s favorite color.

"Well, should we start practice now, dude?" Bill asked.

"Most definitely." Ted replied letting go of Elizabeth.

Bill and Ted grabbed their guitars as Elizabeth went to her piano and Joanna sat at her drums.

"What song are we gonna do?" Bill asked.

Everyone sat thinking for a minute, until Ted got an idea.

"Why don’t we play one of your favorite songs, one of mine, and we’ll see which one we like better." Ted suggested.

"Excellent idea, dude!" Bill paused, "But, who’s favorite song will we do first?" Bill asked.

"How about yours?" Ted asked.

"Sure," Bill replied, right before they started playing Sweet Emotion by Aerosmith.

"I think that went very well." Ted said after they finished.

"Yeah, most definitely," Bill said looking at Joanna, thinking how he thought he should’ve got her something cooler than a bandanna.

"Are you alright, Bill?" Ted asked.

"Yeah I’m fine…" Bill replied.

"Are you sure?" Ted asked.

"Yeah…" Bill said.

"Okay…" Ted said.

"William, What time is it?" Joanna asked.

"Uh, Seven twenty-four…" Bill answered looking at his watch.

"Oh, I think it’s time we should go." Joanna said.

"But it’s not even seven thirty…" Elizabeth noted.

"Well, I think it’s best if we go now." Joanna said.

"Okay, then." Bill said, then they left his garage to get to his car and he drove the princesses to their apartment.

Ted got out of the car and opened the back door for Elizabeth, "Bye Elizabeth, I hope you had a most excellent Valentine’s Day." Ted said.

"Bye Theodore." She said and leaned in closely to whisper, "I’m sorry we had to leave, I just think Joanna might be a little upset." She whispered so Joanna couldn’t hear her.

"It’s okay.  Will I get to see you tomorrow?" Ted asked.

"I hope so." Elizabeth said and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek as she followed Joanna up to their apartment.

Ted smiled and got back in Bill’s car.


"Yeah, Bill…"

"I did really bad on the Valentine’s Day gift, didn’t I?" Bill asked.

"Well, you did okay…" Ted answered.

"How were you able to afford something that unrivaled?" Bill asked again.

"I know a place…" Ted answered.

"Ted, you really are the ladies’ man…" Bill paused  "Can you take me there?" He asked Ted.

"Sure." Ted said right before giving him several directions to get to a pawn shop.

"You went here?" Bill asked.

"Yep." Ted answered.

"Whoa!" Bill said before they walked in the pawn shop.

"Ted!  Hey!  How’s it going?" a bald man who seemed to be the owner said as they walked in.

"Most excellent.  This is my best friend Bill." He introduced as the owner walked up to them.

"Hi Bill, I’m Tony.  Ted here has told me alot about you." He greeted with a pause, "How can I help you today, Ted?" Tony asked Ted.

"Well, Bill is looking here to get something resplendent for his girlfriend for Valentine’s Day…" Ted answered.

"Aren’t you a little late for that?" Tony asked Bill.

"Yeah, but I didn’t know today was Valentine’s Day, I thought it was days from now." Bill answered.

"I bet you completely ruined your relationship." A guy at the counter said.

"I sure hope not…" Bill said.

"Did you forget to get her something?" Tony asked.

"Yeah, but I went to the mall and got her something today." Bill answered.

"What did you get her?" The guy at the counter asked.

"A bandanna." Bill answered and the guy at the counter laughed extremely loud.

"Well, you got your girlfriend a cucumber for Christmas, Eric…" Tony noted to the guy at the counter who stopped laughing as soon as he said that.

"Well, I can help you find something." He said motioning for them to follow him to an area with all kinds of jewelry.

"What’s her favorite color?" Tony asked.

"I think it’s pink." Bill answered right before Tony pointed at a row of jewelry that had a ton of pink stuff.

"How much is the necklace right there?" Bill asked pointing at the necklace that had a pink jewel shaped like a heart.

"Fifteen dollars." Tony answered.

"No way!" Bill said shocked.

"Yep.  That’s the price." Tony said.

"I’ll most definitely take it." Bill said.

"Okay then," Tony said as he took it off where it was hanging and brought it over to the counter as Bill and Ted followed.

"Like I said, It’s fifteen dollars." Tony said.

"Okay, one second." Bill said as he pulled out a twenty dollar bill and gave it to him.

"Here you go." He said handing him a five dollar bill back. "Good luck." Eric said with a small laugh as Bill and Ted left to Bill's car.

"I better get home now before my dad has a cow…" Ted said.

"Okay," Bill said and right before starting the car he paused, looked at Ted and said, "Thanks for helping me."

"No problem." Ted said as Bill started his car.

"How’d you find this place anyway?" He asked as he drove to Ted’s house.

"Well, I was walking home from school and I wanted to go look inside cause I heard they had cool guitars in there.  So, I went inside and I found guitars and drums and keyboards, and that’s actually where I got all our band stuff." Ted answered.

Bill smiled and pulled up to Ted’s house, "Catch ya later Ted." He said.

"Catch ya later Bill." Ted said as he walked into his house.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

The Next Day 10:47 A.M.

"Preston residence, This is Bill speaking." Bill said answering his phone.

"Hey Bill, It’s me dude." Ted said.

"Oh, Hey dude.  How’s it going?" Bill said.

"Pretty good, Are we gonna see the babes today?" Ted asked.

"Yeah, We’ll pick them up, Just call them up and let them know and I’ll come get you." Bill said.

"Okay, catch ya later dude." Ted said and hung up.

Bill drove and picked up Ted, "Did you call the babes?" He asked as Ted got in the passenger seat.

"Yep, they are waiting for us." Ted answered.

"Okay, well let’s go then." Bill said as he drove to the apartment.

When they arrived at the apartment Elizabeth and Joanna were waiting for them, this time Joanna was ready to go.

"Hello Theodore," Elizabeth said giving him a kiss on the cheek before she sat in the back seat of the car.

"Hey Elizabeth." He said blushing.

"Hey Joanna." Bill said as he turned around to Joanna smiling.

"Hello William." She said smiling back.

Bill drove back to his house and they all went back into his garage.

"Joanna, come here for a second," Bill said.

Joanna walked up to him.

"Joanna, I realize I had an egregious Valentine’s Day gift for you yesterday, so I got you this." Bill said and pulled out a tiny white box and handed it to her.

"Oh, Thank you, William." She said, opened the box and pulled out the pink necklace with a gasp.

"I knew you’d like it because it was pink." Bill said with a smile.

"I love it, William, Thank you so much." She said.

"Happy Valentine’s Day, babe." Bill said.

"Happy Valentine’s Day, William." Joanna said.