BILL & TED characters are trademarks of Nelson 1991 Inc. The motion picture BILL & TED'S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE & © 1989 Nelson Films Inc. All Rights Reserved. The motion picture BILL & TED'S BOGUS JOURNEY © 1991 Orion Pictures Corporation. All Rights Reserved.
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December 24, 1977
"... and I'm Ted "Theodore" Logan!!"
"And for one night only, coming to you *live* from the front seat is -- *Ted's Mom!*"
Much cheering and applause could be heard from the backseat as Ted's father drove through the crowded Christmas streets of San Dimas.
"Thank you! Thank you very much!" Ted's mom replied in her best Elvis impersonation. She played dashboard percussion for emphasis.
"Ready, Bill, my friend?"
"Yes, Ted, my friend!"
"And I'm ready up here," chimed Mrs. Logan. "Are you ready, Deacon?"
The baby gurgled a reply, which the trio took as an affirmative.
"Honey, you ready?"
Ted's dad gave his wife a look, but recovered with a quick thumbs up from the driver's seat.
"5, 4, 3, 2, 1..."
Robin laid an egg!
The Batmobile lost its wheel,
And the Joker got away! Hey! Hey!!"
"That was most melodious! What should we sing next?" Bill asked.
Ted's dad glanced away from the road long enough to look at his son and Bill in the rearview mirror. "How about something traditional?"
The boys glanced at each other and in unison replied, "No way!"
"We Three Kings!" Ted shouted.
"1, 2, 3..."
"We three kings from Orient are
Tried to smoke a rubber cigar
It was loaded and explo-o-oded--
To create a yonder sta-a-r."
The trio paused in their rendition and looked somber until Ted's mother continued, "Silent Night..."
The boys erupted into a fit of laughter.
"Okay you three, settle down now. I need to concentrate," Ted's dad ordered as he turned on the blinker to signal the traffic behind him. The vehicle slowly backed up, as the car was parallel parked perfectly.
As Captain Logan had instructed earlier in the car trip, Bill and Ted waited until he had gotten out of the car and opened the back passenger door before getting out themselves. "Hold my hand, boys. You know the drill." Ted's dad turned back to his wife. "You all right over there, sweetheart?"
"Sure am," Mrs. Logan replied as she unfastened the baby from his car seat in the back. She made her way over to where they were waiting.
"Let's look both ways. Traffic's stopped. Looks good. And let's *march*!"
The group made it safely across the street and onto the sidewalk at a brisk pace. "It's really good of you to agree to let me hang out with you guys on Christmas Eve, Mr. and Mrs. Logan."
Bill got a quick ruffle in his hair from Ted's mom. "It's no problem, Bill. You're always welcome with us. What time does your parents want you back?"
"I'm not sure. It just depends on how long dad's Christmas party lasts, but I'm okay if you need to drop me off early. I have my house keys in Ted's backpack."
There was a brief pause and then an exuberant, "No, I didn't mean it like that, silly! If it was up to me I'd keep you 24/7. I know Ted wouldn't mind sharing his room. Would you, sweetie?"
"Are you kidding? That would be so awesome!" Ted exclaimed, a big grin plastered to his face.
Bill ducked his head sheepishly, but made no reply as he concentrated on keeping up with Captain Logan's long strides.
As they walked, Ted's father fired off rounds of questions. "And what do you do if a stranger comes up to you asking for directions?"
"Keep walking 'cause nobody in their right mind would ask a child for directions, sir," Ted fired back.
"And what if a stranger starts following you? What do you do?"
"Run to the nearest mall employee and stick to them like glue, sir. If that doesn't work, make the employee aware of the situation. Tell them that the creep is not your mom or dad. Then have you guys paged," Bill replied.
"Good. And is it okay to cause a scene if you're in trouble?"
"Yes, sir!" Bill and Ted shouted.
"And if a stranger grabs you, what do you do, Mr. Preston?"
"Hit him in the nuts!" exclaimed Bill loudly. He was startled when the party stopped their march and looked at him oddly. He gulped. "Sir?"
Captain Logan's mouth curved upwards with mirth. "The answer I was looking for was to break his grip by windmilling your arms, Bill. But if that doesn't work, you have my permission to, as you so eloquently put it, 'hit him in the nuts.'"
Ted's dad glanced quickly to see his wife smile approvingly at him. He inhaled deeply before continuing. "So, are you two going to be okay on your own? I don't have any need to worry, do I?"
"No, sir." The boys replied.
"Affirmative. We'll meet the pair of you in front of the fountain at 21:00 hours. That's nine o'clock, Bill. Ted, I want to see you wind your watch, mister."
Ted quickly wound his watch and stood at attention before his father.
As an afterthought Captain Logan took his son's wrist to see if the time displayed was the correct one. Satisfied, the man smiled. "Have fun, you two. Dismissed!"
The pair quickly saluted him. "Excellent!" With that the boys disappeared toward the nearest toy store.
Ted's father waited for the ringing in his ears to die down. He shook his head and turned to his wife and baby. "Hit him in the nuts?"
His wife rolled her eyes. "One slip up! Count 'em. One. I thought he's been very polite throughout the evening."
Mr. Logan paused to think about it. He said nothing, which was good because his wife wasn't finished. "I'm proud of you, soldier. You behaved yourself with the utmost poise and grace." When that didn't get the desired reaction, she patted him on the back. "Most exemplary."
Ted's father frowned. "Then why don't I feel any better about this setup?"
"Because you're a good dad and a good cop. And you want to keep your son safe." His wife interjected. "I wouldn't worry. Bill will take care of Ted."
"That's what has me worried."
Mrs. Logan rubbed her husband's arm affectionately. "I think you've got that child pegged wrong, Chet. Bill's very protective of Ted in more ways than one. You're on the same side, so relax. Besides," she moved to straighten his tie one-handedly. "Haven't you ever heard the expression that goes something like -- the atonement for the sins of the fathers should not be suffered by the sons?"
The man cocked his head. The saying didn't calm him. "You may have that quote wrong, hon. I think I've heard the exact opposite to that statement somewhere."
Ted's mother tried again. "Just because we have issues with Bill's parents, doesn't make Bill a bad kid. Nor does it make him a bad influence." She soothed. She leaned in and kissed her husband on the cheek.
Ted's father sighed and smiled at his wife. He looked sheepishly down at his shoes. "I know you're right..."
"Then have a little faith, ya big scrooge." The nurturing was gone and she slapped him playfully on the back.
"Ba humbug," Ted's father said. There was a mischievous look in his eyes. He wrapped his arm around his wife's shoulders and they moved away.
It must have been clear to Ted that Bill was getting bored waiting in line with him to see Saint Nick. "You know you can go over to the music shop if you want. I can still see you from here so its not like we'd be on our own."
Bill shook his head, "Nah, I'm good. Why is it so urgent to speak with the jolly old elf dude anyway?" he asked. He noticed how unjolly the elf appeared at the moment. If truth be told, the man posing as Santa Claus looked rather irritated and unSantalike with that big scowl on his face.
"I need to speak with Santa, most urgently. I want to make sure he got the right letter."
"Excuse me?" Bill asked. He didn't understand. He cocked his head to the side and folded his arms in confusion.
"The list I gave my parents to send to the North Pole was bogus, Bill. I knew my dad would read it so I asked for lots of GI Joe stuff. You know I'm not into that, but I didn't want to disappoint him." Ted grew quiet and looked down at his shoes. He continued, "So what I ended up doing was giving the one with all the GI Joe stuff to mom and dad, but I wrote a second letter of apology explaining myself and gave it to our teacher to send off to Santa. I'm just making sure Santa got the second letter and understands."
When there was no immediate reply from Bill, Ted looked to his companion. Confused by the sad, almost pitying look his best friend was giving him, he cocked his head. "What?"
The expression quickly faded. "Huh? Oh sorry. Must have spaced for a minute." Bill replied. He ran a hand over the top of his hair. "So, what did you ask for in the second letter?"
Ted shrugged. "Nothing too fancy, the biggest thing I think I asked for was one of those life savers from "Star Wars."
Bill furrowed his brows and shook his head. "Ah Ted, you mean, 'lightsabers,' dude."
A myriad of expressions played out across Ted's features. "Oh no! Now I really need to talk to Santa!" He leaped into the air a couple of times, gauging the distance between himself and his target.
Bill couldn't help but laugh. He eyed his friend who was now craning his neck around the crowd of children and adults. "Red?"
Ted turned back to his companion absentmindedly. "Hmm?"
"Am I too off base if I said the color of the one you wanted was red. You know, like the one Vader has?"
"Dude, you know me too well." Ted said, in awe.
Ted slouched in his seat on the bench. He was inconsolable. "I think I really cheesed off Santa, dude. I sounded so stupid!"
Bill grinned and sat down beside his friend. He extended an arm around his friend's slumped shoulders. "I thought you were brilliant."
"Not," Ted replied half-heartedly.
"You handled a tough situation with the greatest of ease. When the real Santa hears of this travesty he will be very proud of you for keeping your cool and will so totally fire the evil imposter Santa running around here."
Ted bit his lip and looked over at his friend. There was a faint spark of hope in his eyes. "You mean that wasn't him?" he asked.
"Nah!" Bill said. He shook his head vigorously.
Ted slumped forward and rested his elbows on his knees. "You're just trying to make me feel better."
"Totally, mi amigo. Is it working?"
Ted thought it over. "No."
Bill leaned over and bumped his shoulder against his friend's. "How about now?"
Ted glanced at Bill but said nothing.
"Now?" Bill answered immediately. It caused Ted to laugh.
"I guess," he shrugged.
"How much time do we have on the old time piece?"
Ted looked at his watch and did some careful calculation on his fingers. "Looks like we got...an hour and about forty-seven minutes -- no -- forty-eight minutes left."
Bill grabbed Ted's arm and pulled him to his feet. "You hungry, Ted?"
"Oh yeah!" Ted paused, "But I don't have any money with me."
Bill grinned and started to run, dragging his friend along behind him. "Gotcha covered. My dad gave me tons before I left the house!"
"And you know there's only one place guaranteed to sooth the burdened soul and deliver a most bodacious and refreshing pick-me-up!"
"Zyggies Ice Cream!"
"Got it in one, duder!"
Ted's mood had improved significantly with the arrival of the ice cream.
They were halfway through the pair's shared Zyggies 'Pig Trough' Ice cream bowl when Bill dropped his spoon and groaned. "Oh man! Hey Ted, do you mind if I borrow your backpack?"
Ted shrugged. "Sure why? What's wrong?"
"We forgot to stop by the record store and it's almost nine. Do you mind hanging out here for bit while I buy some cassette tapes?"
Ted's eyes widened, horrified, as he realized he'd forgotten that Bill had mentioned wanting to go there earlier. "Oh man! I'm so sorry! No problem! Hold on and I'll come with you!"
"No, that's okay. I don't mind making the trip alone. You stay here and finish the ice cream." Ted made a face and started to get up. "Don't worry. Nobody's going to snatch me. I'm armed with your seriously heavy pack o'goodies and you're dad's excellent advice."
Ted didn't look convinced. "I'll be okay," Bill reassured him again. "Just stay here and don't talk to strangers. I'll be back quicker than you can say, "Rubber baby buggy bumpers!"
"Rubber baby..." With that Bill was gone.
"... buggy bumpers!" Ted repeated again. He didn't know how long it had been. He'd stopped counting after saying the stupid tongue twister for the hundredth time. All he knew was that it was almost nine and there was still no sign of his friend.
Ted was definitely going to be giving Bill a piece of his mind for making him worry when he finally showed up. He was tempted to go looking for his lost compadre himself.
Only trouble was that it would require him to actually get up. At the moment he didn't believe he was able to support his own weight. As it was, he was sprawled out in the booth Bill had left him in. He felt, and probably looked, like a trauma victim from one of his parents' favorite drama shows.
Was it possible to die from an ice cream overload? If that didn't get him with the massive tummy ache, surely the brain freeze he was experiencing would.
He could imagine what his father would do if he expired in his seat. His dad would have to make a chalk outline of his body right there. He'd go on national television along with Ted's mom, who'd be crying, and warn parents against the evils of Zyggies and the importance of self-control.
And that wasn't the worst of it. They'd never find Bill. He'd appear years later wandering around the mall looking worn. He'd have a full beard down to his knees. He'd have a dazed expression on his face and he'd be holding on to the tattered remains of a red backpack. He'd look like a lone version of ZZ Top, a band whose photograph he'd recently seen on an album cover.
The lonely, pitiful image of his poor friend made him sniffle.
Bill reappeared in his line of vision. He was upside down and he looked concerned. The hallucinations had begun.
"Ted, you okay?"
Ted blinked a couple of times. Bill was still there looking down at him.
"Bill, you jerk!" Ted shot up from his prone position in the booth and hit his head on the underside of the table. "Ow!!" He rubbed his aching noggin and glared up at Bill. "Where have you been?"
His best friend's jaw dropped in shock, as Ted rarely lost his temper. Bill reddened and lowered his head. "I'm sorry. The line was a lot longer than I thought it'd be. I didn't mean to take so long. Forgive me?"
Feeling like he'd done his duty and that Bill was properly chastised Ted relented. He sighed. "Yeah, I forgive you. You just scared me is all. Did you get what you were looking for?"
"Yeah! It was a most triumphant shopping spree," he grinned. Bill swung the pack on his shoulder for emphasis.
Ted answered with a grin of his own. "Its time to get back to my parents," he stated.
However, he made no move to get up. Ted continued to smile pleasantly at his best friend, who smiled back. After a moment Bill gave him a confused look when he didn't get up. "There's a slight problem."
Bill looked at him expectantly.
"I can't move."
"I ate the pig, dude," Ted moaned. He pointed to the purple and white 'I was a pig at Zyggie's Ice Cream Shoppe' button pinned to his chest.
That was all the explanation needed. Bill nodded in sympathy. He grabbed Ted's arm and wrapped it around his neck like a soldier would do in an old war movie.
Bill steered them toward the door. "Let's see if your mom and dad are done shopping yet."
"Ted, sit up straight. Don't crowd Deacon back there." Mr. Logan ordered his son.
Ted groaned and tried to get himself back to the sitting position. He'd already had one lecture on gluttony from his father. He was too miserable to hear it again. "Yes, sir."
The car pulled up to the lighted Preston residence.
"Thank you again for letting me come with you guys. I had a blast," Bill was saying from the opened passenger door. "I hope you feel better, Ted."
Ted smiled and waved to his friend. "I'll catch you later."
Nodding, Bill grabbed Ted's pack and started up the driveway. He suddenly remembered something and turned back. "Mrs. Logan, my parents left a Christmas card for you and Mr. Logan on the hall table. Would you mind walking with me to the house?"
"Sure, sweetie." Ted's mother answered. She unbuckled her safety belt and stepped out of the car.
"Mele Kalikimaka, Bill."
"Merry Christmas, to you too, Ted," Bill answered as his mother guided his friend to the front door.
Ted took the opportunity to doze against the window.
He was jerked awake when his mother returned, shutting the car door behind her.
"What was that about, Sarah?" his father asked. He pointed to the pack in her hands.
"Hmm? Oh nothing. Bill accidentally walked off with Ted's pack. Good thing, really. His keys were in it."
"Where's the card?"
His mother gave her husband a questioning look. "Oh! Bill didn't know. They must have mailed it off this morning. We'll probably get it after Christmas if it isn't lost in the post holiday shuffle at the Post Office."
Even from the back Ted could tell his mother was pleased about something. Ted's dad gave her an odd stare.
His mother turned her head back to glance at Ted before returning her attention to his father. She was grinning from ear to ear. "You know, Chet. I'm thinking very seriously about adoption."
His father shook his head in amusement and put the car in reverse. "You are."
"Yep. By the way, do we have any extra bits of wrapping paper handy at home?"
There seemed to be some silent communication between his parents but he felt too terrible to really care. Ted soon fell back asleep.
The next time Ted opened his eyes, it was Christmas morning. He all but flew out of bed and into the living room, eager to see what Santa had brought him.
Well, he wouldn't be running out GI Joe toys anytime soon. That was certain.
Ted sat in the middle of the floor, an opposing army on either side of him. He was definitely reporting the evil imposter Santa to the San Dimas Mall Security post haste.
"Did you have a good Christmas, sweetie?" his mother asked, cleaning up the papers from the floor.
"Oh yeah! GI Joe! He's the Great American Hero, ya know."
"So I hear," his mother said. She patted his head. There was a twinkle in her eyes as she spotted something to the left and behind him. "Though I think you missed a gift."
She moved over to the tree and rummaged around. "Aha, this sucker must have fallen in your backpack. I guess I shouldn't have left it so close to the tree last night, huh?"
"Where did that come from?" Captain Logan asked. He stood fixing his tie in the hallway as he prepared for work. He eyed the gift suspiciously.
Ted's mother shushed him with a glance and walked over to join her husband. She handed the gift to Ted as she passed.
Ted read the side of the package.
Have an Excellant Christmas!
Ted opened the package to reveal a ready-to-be assembled red lightsaber. "Whoa!! I guess Bill was wrong. I *was* talking to the real Santa last night!"
His mother's eyes danced. "I'd say Santa is a pretty outstanding fella. What do you think, Chet?"
Ted's dad picked up the tag and stared at the stiffly printed note. "I think Santa misspelled the word 'excellent.' Umph!"
"What was that, dear?" His mother asked, staring hard at her husband.
"Nothing, sweetheart. Just that I agree with you." His father rasped holding his side.
Ted jumped up and ran to the phone and quickly dialed his friend's number. "Hi, Mr. Preston. Is Bill there, sir? Bill! You'll never guess what Santa brought me!"
Author's notes: I am no authority on this subject
of toy lightsabers. I had one when I was a kid but I had the 1983-1985
version for "Return of the Jedi." I did a little research into
what lightsabers looked like around the time of this story. From what I've been able to find the lightsaber, in
question, was only a fancy looking flashlight. Whether they had different
colored light bulbs to make them red or blue I haven't been able to determine.
Also from what I've been seeing, there were some imitations out there at the
time so its very possible that someone else may have thought to put in different
colored lights if the original creators didn't.