The show starts with Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen
coming out on stage. Mary Kate is roaringly drunk, much to Ashley’s
consternation. As Mary Kate explains, "You go into rehab with one
problem and come out with a whole new one!" Mary Kate explains to the
audience they might hear swearing and see some offensive material during the
show, plus loud music. A guy (their dad?) comes out and says Mary Kate
must go back into rehab, but Mary Kate insists Ashley is her and the man carts
Ashley off instead. Mary Kate encourages the audience to start singing
"We Will Rock You" before she rushes off stage to throw up.
The song "We Will Rock You" starts playing
but is interrupted by someone yelling "Stop!" The song
"Things Just Keep Getting Better" starts and the Queer Eye for the
Straight Guy guys come out and start criticizing the sets and audience
members. They decide to help their male straight friends by exciting the
females in the audience by singing "Sweet Cherry Pie." A host of
beautiful hot female dancers come out perform with them.
"We Will Rock You" starts again and plays
through one chorus. When it ends we hear the audio soundtrack of a special
news report saying that President George Bush and Senator John Kerry have been
kidnapped. The phone booth arrives and out step the Presidential nominees
followed by Darth Vader and a storm trooper. George Bush protests and
calls their kidnaper Ralph Nader by mistake. Vader instructs the storm
trooper to take the phone booth back before Bill and Ted realize it’s missing.
Bush demands to know who’s behind the kidnapping
and out steps Dr. Evil. Bush warns him that there are probably Secret
Service guys everywhere and Dr. Evil assures him they are well underground in
his secret lair . . . he also adds the decor is from the "Martha Stewart
Prison B**** Collection." John Kerry assured Dr. Evil they will not
cooperate with him while George Bush runs around looking for a bathroom.
Dr. Evil explains that it doesn’t matter, as he will become President.
Kerry tells Dr. Evil he can’t just steal an election. Bush laughs and
says, "Yes, he can!"
Kerry points out that Dr. Evil will need a running
mate, and out comes Montgomery Burns. Dr. Evil then introduces the rest of
his cabinet . . . Michael Jackson as Secretary of Child Services. He
further explains he’s invited a bunch of villains to their first convention,
which they have titled Shock a Con. Dr. Evil also says he will have
interns and brings out Paris and Nicole Richie. The girls say they have
been looking for Clark Kent, the student reporter Dr. Evil hired to cover the
Clark Kent appears from above. Dr. Evil
comments on the mild mannered reporter’s entrance and then cries "Oh
crap, it’s Superman! Oh, my mistake. Superman doesn’t wear
glasses, people!" Clark sees that Nicole has his camera and asks what
she was doing with it. She tells him to check the internet in a
week. Paris cleans the lens of Clark’s camera, leading to a very naughty
Mr. Burns tells the girls to take the Bush and Kerry
to their "rooms" where they will be subjected to an all night Trading
Spaces marathon. Paris and Nicole take them away in the elevator.
The Wicked Witch of the West arrives on her
bicycle. The baddies assemble on the stairs to have their pictures taken
by Clark Kent. Dr. Evil announces his first Presidential act will be to
kill Bill & Ted. He says he has invited them to perform for a special
charitable show booked by a rich celebrity. The Wicked Witch points out
that Bill & Ted know what Dr. Evil looks like, but Dr. Evil assures them he’ll
be in disguise. Mr. Burns guesses they will kill Bill & Ted by cutting
them down with a super laser, then the Witch guesses they’ll drop a house on
them. Burns guesses they might use some kyptonite he has against them and
when Dr. Evil says "No" Burns tosses it aside casually. It lands
next to Clark Kent who collapses on the stage. Darth Vader says he likes
the super laser idea. Dr. Evil says they will keep it simple and that on
his signal they’ll just beat the crap out of them until they’re dead.
At this point the Queer Eye guys come back on
for a "Queer Eye Quick Tip" on how to use the "back door
approach" to kill a mortal enemy. In demonstrating, Mr. Burns becomes
irritated and says "You’re taking advice from Ellen DeGeneres?"
Dr. Evil says "I don’t even know what that means!"
The phone booth begins to arrive and everyone runs
and hides. Bill and Ted step out of the booth, excited about
performing. Michael Jackson greets them and they respond with "Wacko
Jacko!" Bill and Ted make their traditional introduction.
Michael Jackson introduces the sponsor of the event, Mr. Donald Trump. Dr.
Evil walks down the stairs wearing a Donald Trump wig and welcomes them.
"It is I, the Trumpster. I hope you’re both ready to die . . . I
mean play! Play play." Bill mentions about the cat and Dr. Evil
throws it clear over the back of the stage, then starts saying "You’re
fired!" to everyone. Bill and Ted are convinced it’s Donald Trump
and Bill comments on how his hair looks better in person. Dr. Evil says
"You think so?" and absent-mindedly removes the wig, talking about how
he likes it better than the bald look. Seeing him bald, Bill and Ted gasp
"Dr. Evil!" Dr. Evil takes a moment to react to what he’s done
and then cries "Oh son of a b****!" He gives the signal to kill
Bill and Ted and soon they are completely surrounded.
But Bill and Ted turn the tables and say this has
been a trap for the bad guys! They give the signal (an air guitar) and the
elevator doors open and Garfield comes out strangling Mr. Burns. Dr. Evil
scoffs, "Is that the best you can do? Puss in Boots?"
Garfield angrily tells them who he is, aggravated at always being confused with
Puss in Boots. He goes off into the corner to sulk (and lick himself).
Harry Potter then arrives through the
fireplace. Harry tells the Wicked Witch she’s cast her last spell, but
his voice comes out cracked. Someone comments "Boy, puberty hit you
hard!" Hellboy then descends from above and joins Bill and Ted.
The dudes ask Dr. Evil if he really thinks they would fall for his bogus plan
and that they will save the President dudes. Dr. Evil says no one will
disrupt his Shock a Con which leads to an impromptu performance of "Chaka
Khan" by everyone. During the song the elevator doors open and Bush
and Kerry are seen inside dancing close together.
Dr. Evil gives the order to kill them and a fight
and chase takes place all around the set until everyone disappears.
Finding himself alone, Garfield decides to indulge in some catnip. But
then Paris and Nicole come out and say they loved him in Shrek 2.
Once again Garfield explains he is not Puss in Boots. But the girls
intrigue him and they start to flirt. In the midst of their near orgy,
there is a noise and Garfield says it’s his wife. Catwoman drops down
from above and starts to berate Garfield for cheating. Garfield says
"Are you that upset your movie did worse than mine?" Garfield
insists he did not have sexual relations with the women . . . and then Paris
coughs up a hairball. Catwoman goes after the three of them.
Bill and Ted appear and say they need to find the
Presidential dudes. Just then Darth Vader appears and uses the force
against them (let’s just say Bill and Ted clutch their crotches in agony and
say "The force sucks!"). Bill says "Dude, if we’re gonna
die, I wanna tell you something! I’m really jealous of your movie
career!" Ted answers, "I too must confess . . . I really like
you’re a** in those jeans!" Darth Vader then confesses "That
was me!" and waves his cape, knocking Bill and Ted back from a pungent
smell. "Behold the power of cheese!" Vader exclaims.
Clark Kent appears and says "This is a job for
Superman!" He runs down to the front of the stage and tears off his
clothes so he is only wearing a cape and a pair of tight briefs with the
Superman logo on the front. "Now I know why they call the show
Smallville!" Bill laughs. Superman runs into the elevator as Garfield
runs out. Hellboy shows up to fight Darth Vader. Vader uses the
force to knock away Hellboy’s gun, but Hellboy grabs Vader in a not so
pleasant place and throws him into the phone booth which takes off.
Harry Potter and the Wicked Witch show up to have a
wizard’s duel. Harry Potter throws a spell that ricochets all around the
theater. The Wicked Witch throws a spell which knocks Harry off his feet .
. . and into the waiting arms of Michael Jackson! "Looks like
Christmas came early this year!" Michael cries happily as he carries Harry
The Wicked Witch chases after Bill and Ted and
accidentally steps on Garfield’s tail. She calls him Puss and Boots and
that’s the last straw. Garfield backs her into a corner and . . . well .
. . lifts his leg to her, causing her to melt. Dr. Evil and Mr. Burns
arrive back on stage with Bush and Kerry. In order to show they mean
business, Burns kicks John Kerry in the shin, but Kerry shrugs it off, saying it
didn’t even hurt. "Bet you’ll still get a Purple Heart for it,
though!" Bush snaps.
Bush and Kerry start fighting with each other.
Dr. Evil tries to break them up, saying it’s his show, but Bush socks him in
the jaw with a hearty "Don’t mess with Texas!" Kerry
approaches Burns and Burns says "Wait wait! I have some good
news! I just saved money on car insurance by switching to Geico!"
Kerry replies, "I hate those commercials!" and punches Burns out as
Kerry and Bush start to go at each other again and
Michael Jackson starts singing "Beat It." The cast members
gather behind Bush and Kerry to form opposing gangs and they dance like the
original Jackson music video. There follows several music numbers,
including a brief bit of William Hung singing "She Bang."